The Mac Files – Vol. #1

You. Me. We all need MacGyver in our lives.

You. Me. We all need MacGyver in our lives.

Alright kids. We here in the manlyverse known as The Cheap Seats pride ourselves on rocking out with the utmost man-stuff as possible.

So, here we have Vol. 1 in the dissection and study of the adventures of one of the manliest man to ever man-up;

You know he built that missle out of a packet of oatmeal and the body of someone who pissed him off

You know he built that missile out of a packet of oatmeal and the body of someone who pissed him off

MacGyver!

He doesn’t like guns, he ALWAYS knocks people out with one punch and then shakes his hand because it hurts, and bangs a ton of chicks. You go Mac.

In case you don’t know, MacGyver is a sort of all-around spy, secret agent, and uber-cool dude. He works for the Phoenix Foundation, which I guess is like a special-agent temp service. Good gig, if you can get it.

Today’s adventure:

“The Invisible Killer”
Season 4

Mac and the P-Foundation cooked up a little wilderness retreat program for all the stressed out guys who work for the company from all ’round the states. No one knows anybody, no one knows the terrain, so it’s all about the relax and avoiding the ‘invisible killer’, work-related-stress! Tadow!

Well, as luck would have it, a few miles down the road a prison bus that was on escort to another prison got in an accident. A couple guards died in the crash, and 6 of the inmates escaped. One of them snatching a guards gun, in order to do some no-good-knicking, I believe. Because as fate would have it, while waiting outside an off the road rest stop, one of the P-Foundation Retreat campers happened to stop in for a pee-pee. The con then approaches the building, brandishing the pistol so we know he’s about to lose his mind, up in here, up in here. Sure enough, he caps the guy, and drops him off in the bushes. Like, 2 feet from the road. My question, is what criminal mastermind hides the freaking body of a guy you’re impersonating so close to the public? Might as well throw some sun-glasses on  him and rock out Bearnie style, you know? Or just throw’em threw the windshield of the next passer-by. Either of those would have been smarter, and less obvious than what this guy did.

So, we get to the base-point of this retreat, where MacGyver is hanging out, and everyone shows up. There’s 4 guys, 5 if you count Mac, and the brilliance is, you never saw the con’s face so you have no idea which member of the group is the baddy.

MacGyver tells everyone what the retreat is. A place for everyone to just let their stress roll out, blow off some steam, and COMPLETELY forget that the Phoenix Foundation even exists. He makes sure to drive that home…

Pheonix Foundation? Never heard of it

Phoenix Foundation? Never heard of it

…while wearing this! I wrote inside the letters, so they’d show up better. My camera made it too bright. So, he’s trying to tell people to forget The P-Foundation, while rocking the biggest,  bluest hat ever made that just says “PHOENIX” on it. So, forget The Phoenix Foundation for the next 5 days. Oh, and as a bonus every 2 minutes I’ll be hitting you with this Phoenix Foundation Special Edition Weed-Whacker right on the spot where you’ll be getting your Phoenix Foundation tattoos. Let’s hike!

Well, as the 5 men brave the elements, word gets out about the escape. Also, some how, and it must have been a super-sleuth to have found it, but some how someone discovered the body of the former Phoenix Foundation employee. Or, it was just a couple kids playing because the con hid the body like a scarecrow.

So, Mac’s partner Pete Thorn is called in. The Sheriff and Pete come to a scary conclusion; The con is out there with MacGyver!

Meanwhile, back on the hike, we keep getting little clues to who just may be the con man. Backpacks not fitting because the person who had it before was so much smaller; an interest in holly berries; one of’em asking if anyone had any of that toilet wine that you find in the clink. Lots of small, but note-worthy clues.

They stop to take a rest, as one of them turns on the radio. Another becomes noticeably agitated and demands it be turned off. It hasn’t, then just as a bulletin comes across about the break-out, one of the guys grabs it and turns it off. Mmm, you say. I say mmm too…Mac tells everyone to cool it before he punches each of them, knocking them all out, and then shaking his hand afterward to signify that it hurts. So of course, they do. As spirits brighten, one of them enjoys the fact that there isn’t another soul around, and screams “Hellllooooo”. At that moment, another soul appears with a gun. She works the look-out and has heard of some neir-do-wells wondering around these parts. But one look at MacGyver’s soft good looks tell her she’s got the wrong guys.
They chill at the look-out place for a minute, mobbing coffee while this chick tries to get all flirty with Mac. But he’s all like “We’re out here forgetting that The Phoenix Foundation even exists, ignore the hat. And I get plenty of tail at the Phoenix Foundation, which we’re forgetting exists, and nailing you would remind me of  The Phoenix Foundation, so I can’t have that. Scram.”

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

She gives Mac a cool little bird-call whistle that she made, and it’s off to the races. The night comes along, and the dudes post up shop to sleep. We see the silhouette of a guy going through a pack and finding a gun, then another dude coming from behind and choking the shit outta the dude.

At least come the morning there’s a fresh pot of coffee.

Mac and the guys wake to find one guy dead. Mac asks if anyone there had made the coffee, they say nope. So he dumps it out, TADOW. Holly berries. Enough to kill the whole gang. So Mac punches the coffee pot, knocking it out and then shakes his hand to let us know that shit hurts, son. The guys want to know why the guy would kill Mac, he’s the only one who can lead’em out.

Oh snaps.

Mac knows that the girl can also lead them out, and that in fact she knows a short-cut. So they race back to the look-out.

It’s too late. She’s ghost.

So our boy Mac heads down the short-cut while the other two guys stay and fix the radio [the bad guy smashed it]. Soon Mac comes across them just a couple hundred yards down the path. He zooms ahead of them and Mac’s up a cool little device. I really can’t explain what it is. It’s like, I dunno….a Ryu Fireball made out of twigs and sticks. Here, peep the video kids.

So, after the bombness they head back. Mac asks one of the guys where the other is, he says he doesn’t know. He came outside, and hasn’t seen him. So, Mac puts this guy in charge of the baddie while they go deal with the radio. But…but then, the two guys start chatting. OH SNAPS. There’s TWO convicts. Oh hell to the yes. Mac’s fist is really gonna hurt when he finds out about this shit.

MacGyver being MacGyver, he figures that shit out pronto. He makes a mini-cannon out of a telescope, air-horn, and a bunch of stuffing mixed with vinegar, pepper, and some other shit. Bad guy #1 comes up, TADOW, harsh shit all up in his grill and he flies off the look out and snaps his leg. Bad guy #2 tries his luck, but once up in the station he sees no one, just as Mac says “going down?” like ANY bad-ass would do before one-upping the no-good-doer. Cuz, see, there’s another way in through a trap-door that you can use. So, Mac seeing some rope and a rug made a nice pit-fall and captured up some bad guys. Rock on.

Oh, by the way, the 2nd con killed the other guy. So now 4 innocent men are dead.

The sheriff, who did nothing but absolutely nothing in this episode thanks MacGyver, then gets a call from his wife about the twins having the measles. He then asks when the program is starting up again and they all have a big hardy laugh. Even though 4 innocent men are dead. They’re just having the time of their life, with Mac’s big, blue, Phoenix hat. Hell to the yes.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on August 27, 2009.

One Response to “The Mac Files – Vol. #1”

  1. Hey buddy. Haven’t heard from you in awhile. Just checking to see if your okay.

    -Amber

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