A Bloody Good Show – Tales From The Crypt – Bordello of Blood

Usually, I do reviews of movies I’ve known and loved. But this time around, it’s one I’m watching for the first time, and typing up as I watch.

Tales From The Crypt – Bordello of Blood
Directed By Gilbert Adler
August 16th, 1996

I’m obsessed with vampires, and Miller rocks, so this should own.

Whatever happened to tarantulas? They used to be all over the place, man. Awesome special effects, digging it. I  haven’t seen a new vamp movie in forever. Robert Zemeckis helped write this? Dig it. I count 12 boobs in like, 2 minutes, awesome. Chicks have small bite marks on their necks, guys have their hearts ripped out of their chests and eaten. We always get the raw deal.

Lilth and Rafe. Odd I haven't seen her anywhere else.

Lilth and Rafe. Odd I haven't seen her anywhere else.

Ooh, think we’ve got our line of the movie, the Private Eye who’s named Rafe Guffman, played by Dennis Miller, is on the phone with his ex and has to part ways. His parting line is “Gotta go, fuck you”. Love it. Loving it.

I should probably say that the plot is a private eye is hired to find some chick from Baywatch’s brother, who’s played by Corey Feldman. Of course, he’s all dead and such up at the bordello. Also, the Baywatch chick works at one of those evangelistic type places. The preacher, is played by Chris Sarandon! Hell yes. Jerry Dandridge, back up in this piece.

Goddammit, I want to be a private eye so bad.

So, Guttman gets into the club, pokes around. Ends up sneaking out but leaves his wallet behind by accident. Now Lilith is all up in his spot after he’s found the body of the guy who’s suppose to lure folks in. Lilth ripped his head off, it was rad sauce. Now before Lilth can do the same, that Baywatch chick mobs in, and he’s chasing after her, and they’re at the cop station now. So, it’s off to the whore house, no? Of course, they can’t find nothing, and we learn that Jerry Dandridge is running the whore house. Dig it.

I guess the Rev actually brought Lilth back to kill sinners. A sort of, rocking the Punisher motif via hot vamp chicks. Loving it. Corey calls, says he needs help, they go to help, oh snaps, he’s a vamp.

Ah, the Rev and Guttman….Guffman, whatever, have busted in and are taking names with supersoakers filled with holy water. Awesome. You know, I watched Fright Night today as well, and had no idea Sarandon was in this as well. What are the chances that someone is going to watch two vampire movies in the same day, that contain the same actor? Not by choice either, but by chance, and not in the same series. I always think about weird chance shit like that. Eh.

OK, movie over now. I totally dug the fuck outta this. I love vampire movies, I love shit with private eyes, so, hells to the yeah, kids. You need to check this bad bitch out if you haven’t.

Best Kill:
I’m gonna say when Lilth ripped the head off of a guy. It was unexpected, and it looked really f’ning cool. Watch this video for about 3 minutes or so to check it out. Oooh yeah.

Best Line:
Oh, you already know.

Best “HOLY SHIT” Moment:
This was more of an action/horror/comedy. Kinda like Shaun. So, there wasn’t really any scary moments. But it was cool when Rafe drove an ax through the shoulder and down to the stomach of Lilth. So, there you go.

Awesome stuff. Great vampire movie, and a shame that Miller didn’t have more roles like this, he owned.

– Caliber


~ by Caliber Winfield on October 9, 2009.

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