50 Things EVERY Guy Should Know

I’ve seen this pop-up on myspace, facebook, and the sorts now and again. Thought I should have a look at it, and add my two cents. Plus, you guys are going to want to read it, so you know how to be a perfect guy! Let’s get it cracking!

50 Things EVERY Guy Should Know:
1. Don’t tell us when you think other girls are hot –
Why? It’s not like you don’t do it about guys. Besides, you’ll later on say you want us to be a little jealous, so why can’t you be? Hypocrite.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials –
What? When I tell you to make me a goddamn sandwhich and/or “shut up”, I’ll do it whenever I please.
3. If you don’t act like soap-opera guys, don’t expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models –
Huh? You guys dress like the skanks because you’re all vapid and all you have in life is your never-ending thirst for attention.
4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar –
No real man owns a calendar, unless it’s a bad ass comic-strip one, or a Simpsons’ quote calendar.
5. There is no such thing as too much spooning –
When there’s more spooning then forking, it’s a problem
6. Just because you L the C doesn’t mean we have to S the D –
Oh yes it fucking does. You’re lucky I let you even do it. Greedy bitch.
7. This is how we see it . . . Don’t call = Don’t Care –
Yeah, same here. That’s why I’m not calling your dumbass.
8. Which also means that if we don’t call, take the hint –
It’s taken. And thank you.
9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary –
So don’t piss and moan when I point out how I’d sell your soul just to touch that girl’s ass
10. Putting things in our butt does not turn us on –
I don’t care. It’s all about me. If your opinion mattered, I’d ask.
11. Return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave (and not just your face) –
Fine. We don’t argue about pointless, inane shit. You don’t ar….ah, who are we kidding, that crap is in your blood.
12. Foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite.
Oh, is that where I go down on you for half n hour and you go down on me for about 1/60th the time you spent arguing about having to even do it at all?
13. We’re allowed to be late . . . you are not –
Fine. We’re allowed to cheat, you are not
14. Eye contact is key –
So put some eyes on your boobies.
15. Don’t take longer to get ready than we do –
Sweats are on. Pancho is rocking. I’m ready
16. Laugh at our jokes –
Make sure they’re funny.
17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty –
Practice what you preach.
18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers –
No. Girls are stalkers. I’ve had to threaten 2 ex’s with physical violence if they didn’t leave me alone.
19. We never have to wonder if your orgasm was real –
Yes, because if you’re a good girlfriend you’re either full from it, or wearing it
20. Do not start with us. You will not win –
How can you win against a blathering, inane, seemingly def opponent?
21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didn’t think so –
I don’t have a sister. So shut up and work with my nipples a little bit.
22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way –
Yeah FREAKING right….
23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes!
Eh, it’s not like you worked for the money anyways…
24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month –
Fine. I have a reason to cheat on you every single time you don’t give me sex. Stop acting like your period is such a right of passage, you bitch.
25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car –
Open the door for me, jackass. I’m not a fucking valet, I’m a boyfriend.
26. We love surprises!
I’m leaving you for someone who knows when to shut up and can grill a steak like a Texan. Surprise!
27. We liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue –
Deal. Then don’t try and kiss me in fucking public.
28.Pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most.
Goddamn. You just want attention for every single thing you’ll ever do, huh? “..honey, you took a shit the other night? That’s amazing! Woo! High five! Lemme get that door for you!..”
29. Boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometiems . . . NEVER whitey-tighties, NEVER!
Who says I even wear underwear?
30. Clean your room before we come over –
uh, why? Isn’t that why you’re there anyways? If not, leave the same way you came in..
31. Always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity –
Wow, reasonable…
32. When we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor –
Oh bullshit. You use teeth because you’re fucking horrible because you never, ever do it. You just complain and bitch about it day and in and day out. Go to hell.
33. Even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt us, we still love you with everything we are –
Good. I love you with what’s left of my sandwich. So get in the kitchen and make me some love nachos….
34. Hit it and quit it, because later I’ll be with you’re best friend and he lasts for hours –
Well, you’ll both be dead. And that last forever, so it’s a win/win. Plus, whoever wrote this used the improper your. So, you should be killed based on that anyways.
35. Don’t act hard around your friends because I won’t make you hard tonight –
Don’t act like a snoody bitch around them.
36. Sometimes “NO!” really means “NO!”
what? Un-snap my bra? 4 fingers? Ah, I thought that’s what you said…
37. “Wife Beaters” are not an adequate form of fashion –
Did I fucking ask?
38. If we wanted to be on video tape, we’d be a porn star not your girlfriend –
It’s not like I was going to tell you about it. That’s why it’s hidden.
39. Sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isn’t right –
That’s funny, because I actually know a few sissy asses who do that…
40. Don’t let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough –
Nah, you’ll be causing all the drama for both of us. And for everyone else in the world for that matter.
41. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays –
I remember mine. Last time I checked that was the only one that matters.
42. Guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman –
If making a steak for me doesn’t satisfy you, prepare to be drastically, drastically disappointed.
43. “Fat Chicks” have feelings too –
So? Since when did ANY girl’s feelings matter?
44. Silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!
Or, you only think I did something wrong. Because you’re an over-dramatic drama queen who needs something to be upset about every 16 minutes.
45. If you are not a good dancer, please be self-aware –
Dancing is for idiots. Unless it’s break-dancing. That’s kick ass.
46. Just because a girl doesn’t pick up on the first ring doesn’t mean she’s not waiting by the phone –
So, she’s wasting her time by sitting by the phone but won’t pick it up soon as it rings? She’s a moron.
47. You don’t have to spend a lot, if it means a lot –
48. Don’t say you love me if you don’t mean it –
How am I gonna be able to touch your boobies then?
49. Don’t lie to us . . . we will catch you –
No. No you won’t.
50. When the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you –
Same here. So everything you’ve done in bed that was really nasty that you made me swear on our relationship and love and that kinda crap all my friends know about. And probably a few other people that I’m not even very close to.
Well, there we go guys! We finally have a list that teaches us the what to do and what not to do! We’re fully ready to go out there and be the best guys we can be.
Hell, I think they’re forgetting number 51!
51. Carry women around on our backs all day long like a human rickshaw! Cuz gosh darnit, they deserve it!
psssh…bitches are crazy, man.

– Caliber


~ by Caliber Winfield on October 13, 2009.

One Response to “50 Things EVERY Guy Should Know”

  1. Haha.. Good of you to make it through this, because the person who wrote this (the original list) lost my interest after about #6 or 7. This type of bitch would have a good place on your “why I hate America” post, cause you know she has to be from here.

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