Hit 88MPH with…The Top 5 Movie Scenes From My Childhood
How you living kids, ready to get it crunk? Jiggy, perhaps?
The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was on, and it got me reflecting on all the great movies I use to watch over, and over, and over as a child. So, let’s hit the flux and go back….
5. Keno & The Turtles mop the floor with burglars – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II – The Secret of the Ooze
Director: Michael Pressman
Release Date: March 22nd, 1991
Did I mention that I study martial-arts?: What the FUCK happened to Ernie Reyes, JR & SR? They rocked the fucking house when I was young. Sure, they were only in TMNTII and Surf Ninjas, but they made a huge impact on me. I thought I’d see them, or at least Jr on the big-screen for years to come. But, nope. He had a bit part in Rush Hour 2, then did a stupid kung-fu show on MTV2. Anyways. Keno is taking some pizza to the boys, he sees some bad guys doing bad guy stuff, and there you have it. He beats the shit out of like, 3 guys at first, walks over to the hospital and finds some whiny ass people in the burn unit and axe kick them to hell. A whole mess of bad guys then show up, and Keno is about to give the morgue some business, but the turtles want a piece of the action and make him sit it out. He’s cool with that. He just goes out side to break the hip of some old guy pissing him off [or not pissing him off. or maybe the old guy knew someone who doesn’t eat meat]. Anyways, this was an awesome, awesome way to open up the movie, and Keno became my hero for the next couple of years. I’d watch this all the time, and it was my favorite at the time. Now a days, I much prefer the first one, but I get down to the 2nd every now and then.
4. Dutch and the boys blow the fuck out of a village – Predator
Director: John McTiernan
Release Date: June 12th, 1987
If it bleeds, we can kill it: I recorded it off TV when I was 8, and I watched it twice a day for two weeks straight. I couldn’t get enough of it. That and Rambo: First Blood Part II were my first tastes of what it was to be a man. Shooting vegans with exploding arrow-tips, beating people with microphones because they’re nerding up the joint, and cramming your schedule with so much suplexing children into cactus’ that you don’t have time to bleed. Hells yeah. The scene of them taking out the base-camp is just jam packed awesomeness. You’ve got explosions, tons and tons of gun fire without reloading, a fucking CHAIN GUN, endless one-liners, and Arnold lifts up a truck. The movie could end after that and still be an all time classic, but it just keeps going with so much awesomeness that you can almost guarantee you’ll die from your own boner. Oh, I stopped watching it for awhile because I had a nightmare that the Predator killed my entire class. It scared the holy hell out of me.
3. Ninja’s with red-bandannas ruin everyone’s shit – Revenge of the Ninja
Release Date: September 16th, 1983 [the day I was born, fucking ninja-boner!]
Director: King of the Ninja movie directors, Sam Firstenberg
Only a Ninja, can kill a Ninja: Or an art dealer who just happens to be packing a nine-milly. As you’ll notice, I lived for ninja movies a kid. This one right here was one of my top 3 favorites. Sho Kosugi is the man, through and through. Way more awesome than Norris on his best day. Anyways, a bunch of Sho’s family is having a get together. Then a bunch of ninjas with some awesome red-bandannas pissed in their Wheaties. I mean, they drank like, a case of beer each and took turns punching one another in the bladder and took the piss of all pisses in this family’s Wheaties. I’m sure what happened is the ninjas were hanging out next door, doing something awesome like watching porn, or playing Mortal Kombat and heard the damn neighbors baby crying. They thought about shutting the window, but just went over there and massacred them. Some decisions you just have no choice in. One guy tried to attack them with a garden hoe, but got a knife in the gut, then like, 6 other weapons in the back. A kid caught a ninja star in the head, that’s what he gets for not being a ninja. Everyone dies, and it’s rad city. So, then Sho comes heading down the path with his art-gallery friend, Braden. All of a sudden, Sho senses that some bad-news bears on on the prowl. He whips the shit outta every motherfucker there. He even catches three arrows! Two in his hands, and one in his teeth, then another one that he caught in his urethra. What a man. Over-all, it’s just an awesome beginning that throws you right in the mood. It’s brutal with how merciless the ninjas are, and get’s you all giddy to see them get their comeuppance. I’d highly recommend this movie to anyone who hasn’t seen it. Of course, if you haven’t seen it, I’d suggest cursing God for having you born a woman.
2. Sean fights a gaggle of ninjas in the woods – American Ninja 4: The Annihilation
Director: Cedric Sunstorm
Release Date: March 8th, 1991
The Big-Blue Wrecking Crew: No series of movies, or hell, much of anything else took up my time like the American Ninja movies did when I was a kid. Uber-obsessed with ninjas and the martial arts, these bad boys were my holy grail. This one had my favorite scene from any of the movies. Sean, two of his buddies, and this mortician chick are on the run from some bad guys and they’re almost in the clear whilst running through a forest when all of a sudden. TWHIP! An arrow strikes a tree in front of them. Oh, snaps. So, Sean has his friends take cover, while he gets ready. He sits down, does the splits and begins his bad-ass transformation. He does the splits, pieces together his bow & arrow, does his ninja hand-signs, rolls up his bandanna has a half ninja-mask, does his taxes, builds a model of a windmill, takes a trip to Krispy Kreme. I mean, seriously, he does a ton of shit and takes a boat load of time and all these ninjas are just chilling and playing fairsies until Sean is ready. So, once he’s game he kills a ton of motherfuckers. Using his bow, razor wire in his watch, ninja stars, and his convertible nunchucks! Hell yes! I was OBSESSED with those from the day I saw them. I’m proud to say that I own a pair. For the uninitiated, untuck your penis from beneath your legs, and know that convertible nunchucks are such that they look like a bar, but you can un-screw in the middle and TADOW, girl scout beating tool at your dispense. I just loved how awesome this whole scene was. I had woods right by my house, so I’d recreate this scene damn near every day. I’m pretty sure I impressed all the girls that would often walk through the woods and see some kid dressed all in black with a plastic ninja sword.
1. The final battle with Johnny – The Karate Kid
Director: John G. Avidson
Release Date: June 22nd, 1984
UUUUPP…DOOOWWWN…UUUUUPPP..DDOOOWWWNNN: No joke, even to this day if I watch the movie I cry at the end. It’s all just so damn great. At this point, the story is extremely cliched’ and all, but thankfully I grew up when Rocky was the only story like this in the game. Even with this plot being done to death, this one is still unique and above par. But for me, it all culminates with that last scene. It’s a crescendo of perfectly crafted cheese. Not to mention how damn original it was. I mean, if the crane kick wasn’t so well known and you watched this for the first time, would you have ANY idea that’s what he was gonna do? No. You would have just got your face put back together after it was rocked off by Joe Espicedo’s “You’re The Best Around” when BAM! It’s all fucked up from the awesomeness of the crane kick, bitch. The only sad thing about this scene, is the fact that John Kreese is defeated in some sense, and he’s honestly such a bad-ass that he can’t grow body-hair because the hairs themselves are that afraid of meeting him. Parents are signing their kids up for defense classes, and he’s making them do knuckle-push ups, screaming at them in order to create mindless killing machines, and you know there’s no damn sign-up discount. Hells yeah. But as far as this scene goes, it’s really a photograph of my child hood. I loved this shit so goddamn much and would have givin’…fuck that, still would give up a nut to have a Japanese neighbor who taught me karate through the use of yard-work. One day, maybe, one day.