Bloody Good Show – Top 5 Greatest Zombie Movies
Welcome, one and all to another rousing rendition of a Bloody Good Show. Since it’s the greatest time of the year, peeps are always mobbing on the horror movies and the such. I’m often asked what’s the best of this, or the best of that, so in the next couple days you’ll get an ear full of what’s worth it, and what should be used to bash over the fat head of Khloe Kardashian.
Director: Tom Savini
Released: October 19th, 1990
Damn yous! Damn you all to heeeelllll!!: We all know of the classic version from 1968. But what we don’t know, is the color version from 1990, is a lot better. From the acting, to the drama, tension, and awesomely the gore. The beginning is one of the best in all of horror. Got yourself a couple of people, getting their nerd on in a cemetery when TADOW! One pissed off zombie comes from out of no where to introduce the colon-crushing side of his shoe on this dude. The guy, being a total pussy, dies, where as someone like Stallone would have bit the zombie and infected HIS ass. With what, I dunno. But the zombie, although all-man, wouldn’t be burly enough to handle whatever Stallone gave him. Unless it was a zombie of Arnold or something. But we can leave those discussions for the scholars and scientists. Anyways, this is an awesome remake, waste no time getting to the good stuff, and gives you your money’s worth and then some.
Rating: * * * *
Director: Zack Snyder
Released: March 19th, 2004
Get down with the sickness: I’m sure a lot of horror fans will scoff, as any true nerd does when someone prefers a remake to the original. Look, I love the ’78 Dawn of the Dead, it’s amazing. But for pure scare, and down-right awesomeness, I have to go with this one. There’s more characters, more action, and the zombies aren’t blue. That was always my biggest problem with the original Dawn for a while. I hated the fact that the zombies were blue. But they got all types in this one, plus they run and are just pure instinct. Kids get thrown around, zombie babies get shot, fat women get fire-pokers through the skull. What the HELL else could you want?
Rating: * * * * 1/2th
Director: Steve Miner
Released: April 8th, 2008
He’s a vegetarian: Look, the original is an awesome movie, but c’mon, doesn’t anyone get a little bored at times? It’s a pinch thick in the middle, and I feel it drags. Sure, once it gets to zombie time, it’s incredible, but it’s a bit muddy at parts. This one, I heard a lot of bad reviews for, and to be honest, I can’t see why. It’s so much goddamn fun. It’s nothing like the original, so I’m not sure why they even bothered with the name. But, regardless. These are probably the meanest zombies on film, with some being able to scale walls and such. People complain about it, but who the fuck cares? It makes the threat that much greater. I love how the disease makes you look decomposed immediately, that was a nice touch. All the actors did their damn job just fine, and the only gripe I have is Nick Cannon. That guy is corny as you can get, and him trying to act all “hard” made me twitch in my seat because I wanted to back hand that low-rent Carrot Top. But besides him, no complaints. One film you must see.
Rating: * * * * 1/2th
Director: Edgar Wright
Released: April 9th, 2004
He’s gotta arm off!: It’s Shaun of the Dead. If you need an explanation, take your balls out of your pretty pink purse, re-attach them, and then have someone kick you in them. An unbelievably incredible movie.
Rating: * * * * *
Director: George A. Romero
Released: March 7th, 2008
Dead things don’t run: How on Earth people hate this movie is beyond me. I chalk it up to stupid. Because, if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong. This movie was so awesome because every single zombie flick that had been coming out since the first Night of the Living Dead has just been trying to take it higher, and higher, and higher. More zombies. More effects. More deaths. But this one, it stripped it allll back down and made it simple. Simple and beautiful. Now, I dig Blair Witch and Cloverfield, but I didn’t want to see another POV film. But this one doesn’t even seem like that. There’s little to no running around, it’s never shaky, it’s done with professional cameras, and looks great. The zombies are the classic shamblers. We don’t have any of the digital effects we’ve come to see in zombie flicks as of late, but just some awesome organic shit. There was no over-blown plot or anything, it was just some simple “What the fuck are we going to do?”. It took us around to see what the world was doing at the beginning of the end, and no other flick had done that. It was ‘shit happens’, ‘people hunker down’ ‘end movie’. Everything is just incredible about this movie, and I urge you to check it out and fuck the nay-sayers.
Rating: * * * * *
Welp kids, that does it for now. Check in soon and I’ll give you the low-down on the best vamp movies to get your going on with. Till then, hollar at cha’ boy with your fav zambo flicks…