You should have a license to have kids.


Need a license to fish? To hunt? To drive a car?

Then why the hell can people just have kids at any point and time they see fit? 99% of people are fucking idiots, and shouldn’t even be allowed to make decisions for themselves, let alone have children.

You see, most children are born because of this series of events;

Stupid asses believe that having sex is something that only “cool” people do. Despite the fact the most rudimentary of life forms are capable of doing the act. These people are too stupid and inept to do anything else in life so they try and rack up a high number of sexual partners.

Now, since these morons are the type that like reality TV, mp3 ringtones, and tanning beds, they often have sex without protection. Using awesome methods of birth-prevention such as the pull-out. Or, just throwing a hail mary.

Then they give birth to kids they aren’t smart enough, or capable enough to care for and said kids end up neglected and pretty much fucked for life. These douche-bags who like to trick out their cars will spend more time “smoking bud” and “banging bitches” to really give a shit about their daughters. The daughter will grow up in a world with an absent father, and have all sorts of mental problems. Which will then lead to her constantly switching between partners and boyfriends, most of whom will be abusive [just like dad!]. Or, in case of a boy, he’ll take his anger out on society. Be it robbery, murder, or just being an annoying, sissy little Goth kid.

BUT, if we force these assholes to get a license, the world will be a better place.

But Caliber, you say, how can we enforce this?


We either force people to get yearly injections of some kind of solution that makes them sterile, or every time one of these assholes has a kid by accident, we abort it. But then again, that’s what these jack-asses do anyway. Why bother wearing a condom, or just NOT having sex when we can force a life to pay for our mistake. But, don’t get me twisted. I would much prefer these assholes to not have kids then have’em. However, I’d prefer if no abortions were needed at all [as I am VERY pro-choice] and fucking morons WOULD’NT have sex.

So, the test to get the license is as follows;

A monetary test. Those who don’t know what monetary means [which will be most] will be shot on sight. Those who do, must make more than $50,000 a year. As it stands, it cost about 1.1 million dollars to raise a child from birth to graduating a 4 year college. Now, I did the math. It works out to about 136 dollars a day. Now, of course you won’t actually spend that, but that’s the mean. Factor in all of your living expenses, plus your Mrs. $50,000 will BARELY make it comfortable.

A physical test. You must be fit. Fat people are stupid and lazy. They make their children fat and stupid. We aren’t going to be having that.

An intelligence test. Oh, yes of course there will be one of these. Because it’s the most important thing. If you have it, all will fall into place. You’ll have a mix of history, current affairs, math, common sense, and a good mixture of other things. As it stands, most people are fucking idiots. I’ve known people in high school who didn’t know what the HOLOCAUST was. Yes. You heard me. If any one point in time you’ve enjoyed the works of Pairs Hilton, a Kardashian, or anyone famous for being famous, you will not be allowed to have kids. You’ll also be punched in the skull.

Stop having kids.

– Caliber


~ by Caliber Winfield on October 28, 2009.

2 Responses to “You should have a license to have kids.”

  1. Ahhh, this is something that crosses my mind all the time when seeing all the f’ing morons out there. Especially when I was delivering pizzas, and I’d drive my car to some horrible ghetto with a rude, disrespectful, non-tipping customer and there would be about 14 loud, obnoxious kindergartners running around the living room of their $200/month apartment. That’s the main reason I quit after 5 years, because I decided I should have at least an ounce of self-respect and have nothing to do with these people.

    Anyway, I’m a definite advocate of that intelligence test, and I think it should be the main thing required to procreate. The monetary test: good idea, but there are a lot of good, hard-working, respectable people who simply haven’t found the means to make money, or perhaps they’re working as a teacher or charity worker or some other good occupation that doesn’t pay well, or maybe they have some random medical issue that eats away at their savings. The physical test: great idea, but I know some good people who get a little fat because they need things like food and lots of alcohol to get them through the bullshit of everyday life, and they don’t have much time to exercise because they have to study so much.

    The intelligence test is a WONDERFUL idea, and I think it should definitely be required of anyone before they’re allowed to have children.

    However, I think instead of punishing the parent or aborting the child, you should just automatically sterilize the child when the parent doesn’t have the license. So if the child turns out to be a useless jackass (like most of them will), it cuts off their most potent way of leaving a legacy– having more children. But if they wise up and decide to make something of themselves… Well, they can’t have kids, oh well, that’s too bad.. but maybe they’ll find a cure for cancer, or make lots of good money to feed starving children or promote music education in their community, which I think is much more meaningful.

    Ah, anyway, I’m a little drunk, but it’s the opening night of the NBA season, so I’m allowed a little rambling celebration!

  2. Yeah, as far as the money thing goes, it would be a case by case basis. If they really excel in other places, but aren’t able to swim in a vault with a bunch of gold coins, I’d allow something to be worked out.

    Yes, but if they get to keep the child, then the license is almost moot. Because, sterile or not, the kid will still be around to rob me at the ATM a few years down the road. However, I suppose we could take the child and place them with a pair who are unable to have kids of their own. I’d agree to that.

    Maaan, I bet you saw a lot of obnoxious, crazy shit delivering pizzas. I’d like to hear about some of the worst sometime…

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