Hit 88MPH with….a random Monday Nitro
What’s the good word, fellow gang-bangers?
I don’t have WWE 24/7 yet, I will soon. So, sometimes I’m able to venture to a friends house and watch it over there. When I do, I take advantage and watch as much shit as I can.
This time around, I caught a Nitro. Thought I’d review it, just for the hell of it.
Man, did it suck
I don’t know the date of it, it’s 2 weeks or so after Starrcade ’97, so, take that for what it’s worth and kiss my ass.
The show starts, and Tony says they’re 2 days removed from Souled Out. It’s Monday, right? Don’t PPV’s air on Sunday? So, wouldn’t that be one day? But then again, Schiavonne is an idiot, so I trust him.
Right off the bat the production crew screws up, and has Heenan’s name underneath Zbyszko, and vice versa. Let’s get to some wrasslin’!
Ultimo Dragon vs. El Dandy – this match blew. The end.
Goldberg vs. Brad Armstrong – this match blew. The end.
After a sack of crap, we get some real action and watch the first of what will be 138 showings of Nash dropping The Giant on his head at Souled Out. Dillion comes out and bans the powerbomb. How about banning excessive weight gain and lazy wrestlers? No? OK.
Konnan vs. Jerry Flynn – AWESOME. No, just kidding. I watched this match, then kneed myself in the head. I then felt good because I was right. Kneeing myself in the head was better than watching that match.
They show the Giant/Nash thing for the 4th time.
Then they cut to a pre-taped segment of Luger standing like Superman after taking a huge dump, and speaks of his disgust about the powerbomb. Why can’t Nash just get really coked up and not pay attention while his girlfriend dies like a regular human being?
Mongo McBoner comes out, and says he isn’t afraid of people from up north. Then Mean Gene asks him what he thinks of the Superbowl. To which Mongo says he doesn’t care about the superbowl, or football. As he stands there in a Chicago Bears jacket, with his old number on his wrestling trunks. He truly is a master. So, The British Bulldog comes out to make his debut. He asks Mean Gene if he has any morphine on him, then Mongo says he doesn’t care about painkillers as he shoots a syringe the size of The Giant’s forearm fulled of morphine into his chest. Or, The Bulldog does a very quick, very horrible interview and challenges Mongo to a match later. Pssh, and people get on Bisch about giving away Hogan/Goldberg? What about this? To this day it’d sell out the Silverdome.
Buff Bagwell vs. Rick Steiner – This was actually a fun match. Till the stupid ending. Scott comes out and just starts beating people up. He then says he hates refs because they’re incompetent AND stupid. Man, Scott not only rapes the English language, but it’s like an incestuous rape.
Rating: * * 1/2th
Now they have Page talking about the powerbomb on the Giant. God, what are they talking about? It’d be nice if they’d show a video or something so the audience isn’t left in the dark.
Nash comes out for an interview. They show the powerbombing AGAIN. I’m not even fucking kidding. But it’s OK because this is where Nash debuts the name Big Sexy The Giant Killer. Which, I then forced my 9th grade Environmental Studies teacher to call me that for the rest of the year. He didn’t seem to mind.
Neidhart vs. Wayne Bloom – Oh my God. I need to contact my local Special Victims Unit because that was so bad it ranks as a sexual crime.
They call out Ray Traylor for an interview. Good. God. Why?! Lemme guess, even HE has something to say about the fucking Giant? Sure, why not. He wants to fight Nash because of his lack of disrespect. That’ll show’em.
Spicolli vs. Gurrera – No match, really. Macho came out, beat everyone up, did a kilo of coke in one line then flew around the arena in a make-shift zepplin. He wants DDP. OK.
Raven vs. Mortis – Man, Raven sure was great. Man, Mortis sure had a sceptor with a skull and jester hat on it.
Rating: * *
DDP vs. Wrath – Heenan said the funniest fucking thing. I don’t know why, but they got on the subject of of Macho renting a car, and Heenan did an awesome impersonation and screamed “MIDSIZE!!”. I laughed till I shit my pants, then gave a near-by 5 year old a backbreaker onto a cactus. It was awesome.It ended in a DQ because of Macho running in.
Saturn vs. Booker T – TV Title Match. Yeah, it sucked
Rating: * 1/4th
Bulldog vs. Mongo – God almighty. This was just as bad as you’d think.
Nash vs. Ray Traylor – AWESOME match. They get in the ring, Nash throws hot coffee into Ray’s face. Hits him in the man-parts, then gives him an illegal Jackknife powerbomb. You know, it’s illegal because Nash dropped Giant on his head. Easily the best Traylor match ever. I assume this was him on his way out.
Rating: No rating
Well, this Nitro was fucking horrible from top to bottom. Yikes.