I AM a real American

So, yesterday I was bombing around in the mighty 84 Volvo station wagon. I turn into a bank, and there’s this other car coming out of it. Well, it’s a fat woman behind the wheel. Thus, two strikes against her already. The dumb bitch has her car taking up the whole goddamn exit, and has the nerve to look at me like I couldn’t enter there, even though it was clearly marked. Then, then she did it.

The fucking stupid and ridiculous move that all assholes do. The shoulder shrug and hands in the air move. Now, I’m in my Hulkamania bandana, so I REALLY can’t take any shit. And that shoulder/arm thing, is the SURE fire signal of a commie. I was expecting to see Ludvig, or Nikita up in that piece. So, I couldn’t let this go, no way.

I stopped the car, and got out…

hogancaliber

You gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide!

I came pounding on her window screaming “IT’S ABOUT TO COME CRASHING DOWN! DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DAH-NA-NA-NA!”. I pulled her out of the car, and like a woman she starts screaming and complaining. So, I get all wide-eyed and cool looking, I grab her by the hair, and grab the car in the other hand. I look around, and ask the growing crowd “You want it?! Should I do it?!”, to which they responded with a bunch of cheers and such. Although, for a second I thought they were saying “What are you doing?! Stop! you’re hurting her!” but, that couldn’t have been. So, I gave her and the car a double noggin-knocker, which was awesome!

She must have bladed, cause she fell to the ground with a bunch of blood coming out of her face. So, I start laying the boots to her. At this point, someone tried to do a run-in. It must have been someone in her group or something. Well, being awesome, I sensed this, and grabbed the laptop this lady had on her passenger seat and bashed the guy in the skull with it. He sold it really well, as he just collapsed to the ground and started twitching. At this point the crowd was in a frenzy! Screaming “Way to go!” “Yeah!” “I’m calling 911!” Which was nice of them to offer, but I didn’t need 911’s help. A chokeslam would have been over kill.

So, I pick this commie bitch up from the ground, and body slam her onto the hood. Now, this was a fat bitch, so it was the slam heard round’ the world! I was so elated, that I tripped and hit my head against the car. I fell to my knees, and was quite dazed. But, as I sat there, I could hear the cheers of the crowd! Even we were obviously in this bitch’s hometown, cause they kept cheering “Leave her alone!” “What’s going on!?” “Oh my God, he’s killing her!” “Is he high? Is he psycho?” Which I thought was funny, because I don’t look anything like Sid. Anyways…

There I was, on the ground, feeling this all slip away. But then, I bring up my hand start to wiggle my finger back and forth, as to let this dumb girl know that “UH-UH!”. I climbed up on top of the roof, and dropped the leg! It was all over. Her friend was still out, and over-selling if you ask me, cause he was still laid out, and at this point vomiting.

Before I could get the three count, the cops came. They were so excited and impressed with how I stood up for my country, that they took me to the station! They even let me try on a pair of hand-cuffs, and didn’t make me drive, which was totally rad of them. They wanted to take me to the station so all the cops could meet me and such, and then they wanted me to go in the holding cell to tell all the bad-guys how to change their life’s around, brother. How to climb to the top of the mountain, dude, the eating of the vitamins and the praying and the training. I left after they said something about not reading my miranda rights after the match earlier. Which is fine, I didn’t need to hear their promo.

Anyways, I’m home now and just wanted to tell you guys about how I stood up for my country and kicked major ass, brother.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on November 7, 2009.

2 Responses to “I AM a real American”

  1. Good work Brother. You stood up for all those hulkamaniacs around the world brother.

  2. Way to go, this definitely makes me feel like a real American. I can’t tell you how pissed off I get when some poor driver gets angry and honks their horn at me when they are the one in the wrong. Or people who just sit at the damn 4-way stop waiting for me to go when they clearly got their first. It makes we want to lay a real American legdrop on them, brother, and it’s good to know you’re out there getting rid of the trash.

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