The Only Ranking of Friday The 13th’s You’ll Ever Need
This last Friday, we had ourselves a holiday that has since dropped by the way-side. When I was younger, Friday The 13th was something to be celebrated, dang-nabbit! The USA Network, or TNT, would air Friday the 13th movies all night. The Sunday before hand, I’d get the TV Guide in the Sunday newspaper, and immediately skip to Friday night so I could see which Jason movies would be going on. Then all week at school I’d sit in class, just waiting…and waiting..talking to all my friends about’em, drawing pictures of Jason kicking the ass of children and old people. And not old people.
But now? Oh no. Our nation is WAY too pussy to celebrate something like this. So, I will, goddammit. I was busy all week and weekend, so I’m just now finally getting this posted. It was a lot easier back before I started making graphics and such, oh, the pains I go to keep you, the kids, entertained.
Here, is the Friday The 13th movies, ranked in order from Worst to Best. Now, with exception to number 12 [in the list, not in chronological order] all the movies are awesome. Just because there’s one at #11, doesn’t mean it sucks. It’s still an awesome movie, that I’d probably put over most other ones to start. Also, for the uninitiated, I’ll post what Jason looks like in every movie, both with mask, and without. Let’s get busy.
12 – Friday The 13th
I hate this movie. I’d seen bits and pieces growing up, but never actually saw the whole thing until I bought the Uncut version 6 months ago. This movie is fucking horrible. It’s really low-budget and cheap looking, it’s boring, the characters suck, and the effects, for all the hooplah it gets, blow. The Kevin Bacon arrow-through-the-neck-thing? Look how cheap that looks. His skin is a different color, his neck looks like it’s 10 inches too long. It only gets good when Pamela makes it known she’s kicking ass, and that’s it.
1/5 Hockey Masks
11 – Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday
A lot of people hate this movie, and I can understand that, but they’re wrong. Sure, it would have been so much better had Jason actually been in throughout the whole thing, but oh well. Heck, if he had, this would easily be in my top 3. He looked so awesome in this. Anyways. If we nixed the whole body-jumping thing, and just had Jason tracking down his relatives to off them, it would have been fine. The acting was great, the movie looked awesome. The effects are top notch. I mean, how fucking gross is it when the coroner eats the heart? The fat lady getting her mouth punched in, the chick getting her head crushed, the broken wrist, bullets in the head…all types of awesome shit.
2.5 / 5 Hockey Masks
10 – Friday The 13th Part V: A New Beginning
I don’t understand people’s beef with this movie. They say it sucks because it isn’t Jason. What the hell does that mean? It’s a dude in coveralls with a hockey mask, killing some peeps. The beginning sequence is awesome. Yeah, it sucks that the movie was raped by the MPAA, but Jason was a repeat victim back in the 80’s when it came to censorship. Anyways, I dug the story about Tommy just losing it, and I don’t understand people’s beef with Reggie. Sure, he’s annoying, all kids are. But I thought he made for an alright character, he was at least less annoying than Tommy from Part 4. It had a decent mystery through out, with a crappy pay-off, but it gets beaten over the rocks for no real good reason.
3/5 Hockey Masks
9 – Jason X
To hear the writer Todd Farmer, talk about this movie, it should have been a lot better. It seemed that he’d originally imagined a much darker movie. I’ll admit, I really enjoy the movie, but it is rather colorful. Almost in kind of a self-parody kind of way. Which, if done right [see: Jason Lives] can own, but in this one it didn’t work that well. I liked the huge body-count, a good portion of the deaths, I mean, c’mon, he gave a kid a back-breaker! The kid looks like the type who when uses a computer he double-clicks internet links, so a back-breaker is exactly what he deserves. The series had one of the best deaths ever in the liquid nitrogen, but then seemed to stumble with generic, and not all that spectacular deaths. And Uber-Jason was pretty interesting.
3/5 Hockey Masks
8 – Friday The 13th – Jason Takes Manhattan
Yet another movie that people like to shit on. They complain that the title is misleading, and blah blah. But hell, he isn’t at the camp, we got new scenery through out the whole picture, and one of the best kills in the entire series. The violence was once again all sorts of messed, and to watch the deleted scenes it’s laughable compared to what you see today. Good thing the MPAA is around, Lord knows how many lives they’ve saved by editing out a frame of blood from J Takes Manhattan. There are a few other points about the movie that make people cringe, such as the ending, and the way Jason looks without his mask. I can agree with all this, but there’s so much other great shit that it all makes up for it.
3.25/5 Hockey Masks
7 – Friday The 13th – Part 3D
This one gets mixed reactions from fans. People complain about having overly-bland and stereotypical characters that you really don’t give a shit about. Hammy acting that came from the directors caring only about the 3D effect working, and not so much anything else. But. c’mon, doesn’t the majority of Friday The 13th have all that? I really like this movie. Shelly is one of my fav characters from the whole series, just because of what an asshole goof he is. He’s an actor! And a dude who begs for pussy. Jason gets some rad kills in this one; spear through the eye, guy getting almost split in two, guy getting his head crushed until his eye leaps off the screen. Awesome, awesome stuff. Not to mention, you get that great story about Jason trying to get his rape on, hells yeah! Plus, Jason looks scary as hell when he’s without his mask and running down the embankment during the dream sequence.
3.5/5 Hockey Masks
6 – Freddy vs. Jason
I took the day off work to make sure I saw the first showing of this the day it was released. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was disappointed to find that Kane wasn’t going to be Jason, but Ken did an alright job. I just feel that Ken didn’t play Jason with any kind of killer edge. No aggression, nothing. He was just like a lifeless corpse lumbering around with a machete. The whole fear of water thing was ridiculous, but oh well. The way Freddy used Jason and such was an awesome, awesome story line and no other would have worked for this movie. Really great deaths, the fights between Freddy and Jason were as expected, and didn’t really disappoint any where else.
4/5 Hockey Masks
5 – Friday The 13th 
How on Earth there are Friday fans who didn’t like this movie is beyond me. It’s the same exact formula as the others, so I don’t get it. Some complain about him taking a prisoner, and how Jason never did that. Sure, but have any of them reminded him of his mother? These are the early years of Jason, his minded isn’t as degraded yet, so there’s still something floating in there. I loved the traps, and the way he’d play with people. The Uncut version, although didn’t add much, gave me so much more. The deaths were longer, and just that much more brutal. I loved the look, and the feel of this, it’s an awesome fucking movie.
4.25/5 Hockey Masks
4 – Friday The 13th Part 2
I’d always wondered how Jason found the girl from the first one. Did he take a plane? Was he sitting in coach? Wearing that sack on his head while he bitched about how he ordered the kosher meal? Regardless, great way to start the movie. There’s a lot to like about this movie, from Jason’s creepy-farmer appearance, to the variety of deaths, especially the dude in the wheelchair. You had a pass, man, but then you were gonna get laid, TADOW. We also got to see Jason’s batcave, which was a nice touch. So we at least get to see where hangs his burlap-sack when he gets done with a day.
4.25/5 Hockey Masks
3 – Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter
Is there much else to say about this classic? Savini returns, we get great characters, great deaths, and an awesome Jason. So many phenomenal moments; meat clever to Crispin’s face, Jason pining his body up in a door way, then tearing it down, ripping the guy’s head off who works in the morgue, and the list goes on. There’s little to nothing I don’t like about this movie. I find Corey Feldman’s character to be a little annoying, and it’s also laughable when the brother dies. Screaming “He’s killing me!”…I dunno, it was just weird. Goddamn, it’s such a masterpiece. [note: Jason looks identical in the 4th as he did in the 3rd. Kudos to them for the one time continuity]
5/5 Hockey Masks
2 – Friday The 13th: Part VII – The New Blood
This was the movie that USA Network always played, and by chance, the one I always watched. So while number 4 may be better, I have a sentimental and nostalgic attachment to this one. Jason has never, and will never look better than in this movie. With, or without the mask. He’s a fucking beast in this one, thanks to Kane Hodder, and Jon Carl Bucher. It’s such a shame it was edited so badly, because the cut out scenes are so marvelous. I loved that Jason had such a match in Tina, it really upped the stakes in this one, and made for some awesome fight scenes. Fantastic movie.
5/5 Hockey Masks
1 – Friday The 13th: Part VI – Jason Lives
Considering I most recently named this the number 1 greatest horror sequel, it should come as no surprise. The atmosphere, the script, the effects, the actors, the score, everything. It’s a perfect horror movie. Nay, it’s a perfect movie. You had car chases, shoot outs, dudes getting their back broken by being bent in half, what more could you want? It’s fucking awesome. Dig it.
5/5 Hockey Masks
There you have it, the only ranking of the Friday The 13th films you’ll ever need. Coming soon, Halloween…