The Only Ranking Of The Halloween Movies You’ll Ever Need

Who’s the King of the Slasher Films? Michael? Jason? Freddy? Well, to your boy, I’d say it’s Jason. He’s stayed consistent, relevant, and is just as recognizable as Santa.  Man, speaking of Santa, did anyone else hear the Goldberg interview he did where he said the reason he left WWE was because he wasn’t comfortable with the product’s content, and how it was inappropriate for kids?  Acting like a real champ for kids, but then goes on to make a movie called Santa’s Slay. Where he’s playing Santa, who’s actually  Satan’s brother and was cursed to be nice for 1000 years. Now that those years are up, he’s looking to hit kids in the face with a yule log. Fucking nuts…I digress

While Jason is the King, Michael Meyers is the father of it all. One could argue that Leatherface is, but Halloween brought it all to the mainstream and beyond. Brought the cliches’, built the blueprints, you name it Halloween did it.

The original Halloween is still the scariest slasher movie of all time, and easily in the top 5 scariest movies period. With the exception of the black sheep of the franchise, Ressurection, they’re actually all damn scary. The white mask, the bland jump suit, he really is The Shape. Jason and Freddy gained personalities as the series went on, so the movies weren’t that scary anymore, but still a lot of fun. However with Michael, he remained The Shape. Truly what Dr. Loomis said; A child with a pale, blank, emotionless face. With the blackest eyes, the Devil’s eyes.

Michael also showed up to pose with my collection, he’s down to help the little people, so let’s get on with the awesomeness, prepare for me to kiss your face…with my knee.

8 – Halloween [2009]

Yuck. That’s all I have to say. Well, no. I always hate when people say that, then go on for 16 paragraphs and just nerd the place all to hell. I looked froward to this movie, I really did. But then all I got was a lot of tired, and cliche’ “shocking” language,  chase scenes, and a disgusting rape scene that was beyond unnecessary. Rob said he never liked how they didn’t explain how Michael became the way he was. Well, Rob didn’t either. What, he killed because his mother stripped and William Forsythe over-acted? Also, what was with all the teenage girls having to be killed while naked? I dig naked chicks and all, but extreme violence against naked chicks just doesn’t work. The rape scene was completely unnecessary, and it’s a growing trend with horror filmmakers. They use crap like that to “shock” the audience. It’s a lazy, and cheap ploy to get a reaction. Then, what was with Michael chasing Laurie all through the house? It was so over-the-top and stupid. The beauty of Halloween is the subtlety. Rob might as well have had Michael running around screaming the lyrics to the Batman TV show or something. Bah.

1.75/5 Coat-Hangers To The Eye

7 – Halloween: Resurrection

Now, a lot of people shit all over this movie. I can’t blame them, but I still find it entertaining. One of my problems is that people nit-pick the wrong parts. Like Busta Rhymes using kung-fu against Michael. There is no way in hell that was meant to be taken seriously. It was funny as fuck that he’d use some martial arts he learned from TV. A good portion of the characters were annoying as all hell, which was great because you couldn’t wait for them to get off’ed. The whole “We’re watching you online” was so fucking stupid I couldn’t express my rage, which in turn all goes to my dick and I get a boner. I still have that boner. That was 6 years ago.  I absolutely hated that part, as well as the connection between the girl and the guy at the party. The beginning with Jamie Lee was a terrible way for her to go, and I’m sure one day they’ll try and explain it when they don’t want her dead. Plus, the way they explained Michael not dying in H2O was beyond ridiculous. So, even after all that’s wrong with it, I can still find a pinch of enjoyment because it’s a Halloween.

2.25/5 Coat-Hangers In The Eye

6 – Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers

Another black eye on the series. A lot of people say The Producer’s cut is far superior. Actually, that’s a big fuck no. What would be ideal, is to take the ending of the theatrical version, and attach it to The Producer’s cut. That would be A-OK. Sure, both endings are stupid in either version, but the theatrical is the lesser of two evils. I still enjoy this movie though. John Carl was rocking special effects, we had a good amount of killing, and we had Dr. Loomis. So I think that makes up for other annoyances. The one thing that the Producer’s cut has up on the theatrical, is it explains the Man in Black from part 5, as well as the ending. Regardless, the whole Thorn thing is beyond stupid. However, it isn’t a film you’ll want to run and hide from.

2.75/5 Coat-Hangers To The Eye

5 – Halloween II

I love the fact this is a direct sequel. You don’t get that often from movies, so it’s rad to see it. I ranked this one a little lower on the list, just because it’s a bit boring. There are some great kills, and the empty, dark hospital is a great atmosphere. It brings back a lot of the same elements that made Halloween great. My only real complaints are, again, it’s a bit boring. Why on earth is the fucking hospital that empty? I’ve been in hospitals at all times of the night, and it’s always booming. I can always find some wuss with a full body cast to yell at and head-butt. I also find it very un-menacing that Michael is  mobbing around with the tiniest par of fucking scissors man has ever known. Geez, why not just mob with those plastic kind that school kids get? Those are my only real gripes though, great movie.

3.75/5 Coat Hangers To The Eye

4 – Halloween 5

Most people’s biggest complaint about this film is Michael’s mask. Which I find odd, as the mask looks scary in this film, and in 4 it looked so fake. To each his own I guess, but everyone who doesn’t agree with me is wrong. Dig it. Anyways, Moustapha Akkad said making this so soon after the success of 4, was a mistake fueled by greed pretty much. Although the story was a little odd, and the character of Tina was fucking annoying as all hell, I like this movie. It’s got a great feel and atmosphere. Hell, one of the main characters is a kid, who can’t speak. A movie that shows it how it should be. We get a great chase scene between Michael and Jamie through out the house. And Dr. Loomis loses his fucking mind. It’s great.

4/5 Coat-Hangers To The Eye

3 – Halloween 4: The Revenge of Michael Meyers

After they tried to break off the Halloween series with Season of the Witch, there was a lot of horror nerds that were really pissed they didn’t get Michael. Well, the gang wasn’t about to make that mistake again, so they brought our hero back. Along with Haddonfield, Dr. Loomis, and a lot of people who need a good shotgun through the chest. The opening really set the tone. The silent atmosphere of the Midwest, with the Halloween decorations. The creepy sanitarium at night, with the storm. The guard, who played his small part damn well, did a fine job of reminding the audience of the ominous presence our boy brought.  For a while, I couldn’t believe the mask they used for this. It looked so low budget, and so bland. But then I came to love it, for the reasons I hated it. It really makes Michael seem like just a blank slate. The mask doesn’t look evil, or good, or anything. It’s completely empty, and that’s what Michael is. Besides all that, we had great chase scenes, explosions, gun fights, and some great actors. People were rejoiced to have their boy back, and this movie stayed at #1 for two weeks straight. So, it’s no mystery why they rushed out #5.

4.5/5 Coat-Hangers To The Eye

2 – Halloween: H20 – Halloween Twenty Years Later

Really, this one and the movie I have at number 1 are pretty interchangeable. It’s fucking incredible, really. It goes back to the basics by bringing everything from the first around again. However it wasn’t just a boring clone, it used some of the same elements from the first and supplemented them with it’s own gangsterness. It’s one of the few movies we get to see how the surviving victims deal with life after something as traumatic as the events of Halloween 1 & 2. Laurie Strode has faked her death, moved to California, had a son, and become a raging alcoholic. It’s great to see her being a paranoid mess through out the whole movie, and perhaps wondering if it would have all been easier if she’d just died. While this movie doesn’t outright negate 4, 5, and 6, it certainly doesn’t go out of it’s way to mention them. Sure, the events of the previous sequels could have happened in the cannon of 7, but it’s unlikely. Why on earth would she have just abandoned her daughter? Why does everyone act and talk about Michael not being seen in 20 years? We get some awesome deaths, and a great climax. I think the whole chase/fight scene at the end between Michael and the whole gang is the best out of the entire franchise. It also had an awesome ending, that unfortunately was fucked up by Resurrection.  But of course, one must mention, what the fuck was up with the mask? It was like Michael kept a collection in his backpack or something. He had his hors d’oeuvres mask, dinner mask, and jamming the salad fork into your Adam’s apple mask.

5/5 Coat-Hangers In The Eye

1 – Halloween

Isn’t it obvious? This bad-boy is always going to be on the top of everyone’s Halloween list. There’s really nothing I can say that people haven’t read or heard about it. The day time setting, the music, the appearance of the shape, the acting, it’s all their. I really don’t think it’s one big great thing, I think it’s a million little great things that all just piece together to make a TBM. What’s a TBM? Total Boner Movie. Meaning the movie rocks, and it gives you a boner, and then you build a house with your boner. It rocks. Matter of fact, my grandkids will sleep in the house that boner built. Hell yeah. For me, the scariest thing about it is when Tommy looks outside, and across the street you see a shadow of someone just standing there, glaring at the house. Goddamn, that owns. TBM all the way, baby, TBM.

5/5 Coat-Hangers In The Eye

Once I’m able to see Halloween II, I’ll let you kids know what I think. Since it’s all Michael, all the time, I’m thinking it won’t be half as bad as the first.

Also, I don’t own all the DVDs yet, that’s why Michael wasn’t able to pose with part 6 and 8. He wanted to pose with Adventures In Babysitting instead, but I told him it didn’t make sense. He got pissed and killed my neighbor with my Jabba The Hutt action figure. Which was pretty rad, because my neighbor went down all hacking and shit, with his tongue wagging, just like Jabba! Dude, total TBM. Total Boner Moment. I was gonna call an ambulance, but my brownies were almost done, and well…brownies are awesome, nobody’ll blame me.


~ by Caliber Winfield on November 24, 2009.

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