Man Movie Enyclopedia Entry: Hard to Kill

Anyone man the fuck up and watch Steven Seagal: Lawman, last night? It was rad. Steven fucking flew around like Superman, and broke at least 15 people’s necks. The guy is seriously no joke, and I’ve always known that. I’m glad to see everyone else is getting to peep the scene.

So, in celebration, one of the manilest movies of ALL TIME, motherfuckers. So, put some ice on your junk, because so much testosterone is going to flow into you, your cock will pop off and punch you square in the nuts. Then it’ll get a job as a  lumberjack. Man, people who kill trees for a living kick ass.

Movie: Hard To Kill
Star: Steven Seagal
Year: 1991
Director: Bruce Malmuth

Here we have one of Seagal’s finer pieces, it’s first set in 1983. Seagal plays Mason Storm, a rogue cop who ‘plays by his own rules’, which is a theme that one or two of Seagal’s characters had. He starts out on the docks, surveying some bad dudes. Man, remember the docks? ALL the bad guys use to hang there, but no more. What better setting than a seedy dock? With ships that carry drugs, guns, and hookers. And plenty of water to throw the body of the right-hand-man who’s fucks up once too many times. But anyways. Mason is doing his thing, and catches some politician up to no good with some no-good-knicks. Well, he splits, and all of a sudden they here him. So after they go, however, they don’t catch.

As always, he can’t trust anyone, because he’s a rogue cop. Well, the bad-guys find out anyways, and come to finish Mason good. Well, wouldn’t you know it, Mason just got done getting busy with his women, so he’s in his refractory period. Otherwise, he could have heard these bad guys coming 10 years ago. So that’s why he was unaware, until that is, as always….it’s too quiet. That’s how you KNOW some shit is going down, when …it’s too quiet. TADOW! They bust open the door and lay down some hot lead, killing his wife, and they assume, Mason. His kid, who looks exactly like Ben Savage, jumps out of a 10 story window like Spider-Man and lives. *shrugs* He’s Seagal’s kid alright. Anyways, thankfully before all this, Mason hid his video-camera in the wall of his kitchen, because, remember, a rogue cop trusts no one, so the evidence is safe.

Flash forward 7 years later.

Mason is laid up in an LA hospital, he’s got a rad beard, and a nurse [Andy] who’s got the hots for him [Kelly LeBrock. Who, Seagal married]. He gets instant man points because the nurse wants him to snap out of it simply because he has a large penis. No truth to the fact that Seagal insisted they put that in. Mason comes out of the coma, because he’s sick of not killing people, and knows that soon they’ll be coming for him, which they do. So, Andy helps him out of there, and they crash at her pad. He quickly gets back into ass-kicking mode, because atrophy is for sissies.

So, as it were, the crooked politician is now a Senator. This doesn’t sit well with Storm, as most things don’t. So, he hooks up with an old friend who had been taking care of his Spider-Man kid, and they get some revenge. It’s sweet carnage, and Storm is never touched. It’s as it should be, kids.

This movie comes with the highest recommendation. As it ranks high in the Man-Movie Encyclopedia, hitting almost EVERY criteria, which has yet to be done. It’s mind-less good times. It’s Seagal, baby.

Official Man-Movie Encyclopedia Count:

1-Liners: 4
Beat-Up: 16
Killed: 12
Swear: 32
Boobs: 1
Explode: 1
Slo-Motion: 8
Car-Chase: 1
Foot-Chase: 3
Broken Bones: 4
Fight at Motel?: Yes
Guy Get Girl?: Yes
Guy Smoke?: No


[Storm reflecting on what he heard the Senator say on TV, as well on the tape]

Senator: You can take that to the bank!
Storm: I’m gonna take you to the bank, Senator. The blood bank!

[Storm fires a shot between the Senator’s legs]

Storm: I missed! I never miss! They must have been smaller than I thought!

[Storm kills a crooked cop]

Storm: Now you’re a good cop

Also perhaps the greatest one-liner of all time. Storm is just about to kill a dude
Storm: This is for my wife. Fuck you and die! [he then proceeds to kick a guy so hard in the head it breaks his neck]

Box Office Business:
47.5 million. That’s damn good for a guy’s second movie.

Hard to Kill is just plain awesome. Easily one of Seagal’s finest, and some believe his best. I couldn’t put up much argument for that. It’s just a great time.

4.75 head-butts out of 5

– Caliber


~ by Caliber Winfield on December 4, 2009.

2 Responses to “Man Movie Enyclopedia Entry: Hard to Kill”

  1. This and Out for Justice are the two Steven Seagal classics. I remember I wrote partly on this movie when I was writing a paper on “revenge films,” just because I couldn’t resist mentioning such a badass movie in a serious college essay.

    Lawman is a reality show ala Cops, right? I saw the previews and that’s what it seemed to be.

  2. Out For Justice is great. The bar scene where Seagal whoops everyone is stellar.

    Yeah, that’s what Lawman is. It’s actually really well done. Seagal is a funny dude, and people really respect him. He was showing the cops a few Akido moves, and goddamn, man. Even as old as he is, with his extra weight, he moves at the speed of light. It’s crazy.

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