Man-Movie Enyclopedia Entry: Showdown In Little Tokyo
An absolute man-action CLASSIC from the awesome hay-days of early 90’s martial-arts/ShowTime-esq action movies.
It stars Dolph ‘So Burly He Could Build A Brick House With His Penis’ Lundgren, and Brandon ‘Not Enough Action Movies To Earn A Cool Middle-Name’ Lee. They use a formula not really done in the action world, two mis-matched cops who are thrown together yet end up liking each other, despite themselves.
Our tale begins in the Little Tokyo section of LA, there’s some sort of underground fight-club going on, and Dolph, who’s known as Sgt. Chris Kenner, is looking to break this little box-social up. So, he sneaks around a whole bunch, before seeing fit to just rope-swing into the middle of the ring. He kicks the crap out of the two fighters, then
proceeds to get his shooting on, because it’d been almost 5 minutes without any death, and he was getting pissed. He’s unable to get the man he came for, but people died, and he spat cool one-liners; so all was well. Oh, and once he left the club and got out into the street, some fools tried to run him over. So what’s an action hero to do? Step
to the left? Step to the right? Pssh! That’s what you pussies might do, but he fucking JUMPS OVER IT! BOOYA! He gets a shit-ton of man-points for that, as well as rope swinging. God, what a bad-ass.
After this event he’s having some breakfast in a little Japanese restaurant that he frequents often. As luck would have it, some of the same guys from the club the night before come busting in, to hustle the old lady who owns the joint. Kenner, having just picked his teeth with a rail-road spike, walks up, and let’s them know the score. He also
warns them that he hasn’t had breakfast, and that can make him grumpy. He proceeds to kick the holy hell outta everyone, WITHOUT spilling his tea. Of course, it probably wasn’t tea. I’m willing to bet it was a
melted bacon-burger. Kick-ass. Welp, Brandon Lee, known as Johnny, walks up in the scene, and we have a small little fight. They find out they’re on the same side, and now the ball is rolling.
Back at the station, they have a guy they arrested from the restaurant. Little do they know, this guy is an uber-bad-ass. Because once this guy finds out that his one call from jail can’t be to a phone-sex line, he breaks his own neck. Fucking kick ass!
Basically here, the Yakuza are in town. Sgt. Kenner is steeped in Japanese-Samurai tradition, because he grew up there. Brandon Lee is a valley-MTV-generation kid, because his dad is a white dentist.
The gang-leader we find out is Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat movie, but here he’s known as Yoshida. This guy is one bad son of a bitch. He’s all having sex with methed out strippers before cutting their heads off [which is awesome, saves giving them a ride home. Or worse, cab fare]. Getting pissed at bikers and cutting their hands off. Selling a ton of drugs and killing his own hench-men because they’re cutting their OWN fingers off before he gets a chance. He rocks.
So, on the search for Yoshida, Kenner and Johnny hit the spots all over the place. Including clubs, where dudes eat sushi off of hot naked chicks. Bath-houses. Where Asian dudes sit in towels that look like thongs and have hot naked chicks bathing them…..fuck. Little Tokyo sounds great. So, anyways. Kenner and Johnny are kicking everyone’s ass, and killing quite a few as well. It’s great. They also have to protect a witness, who was early-90’s hot chick, Tia Carerra. Known as Minako.
Before shes in their possession, she’s kidnapped and held at Yoshida’s place. Kenner breaks in, rescues here, and kills a ton of guys. But is that good enough? If you said “yes, that’s good enough”, then tuck your junk back and become a vegan! Because it isn’t! Before it’s all through, Kenner flips a car over with HIS BARE HANDS! @#(*#!!
I had to pause this shit and go pump iron, watch porn, do some welding, and eat ten steaks just so I could come close to being manly enough to handle the rest of the flick.
OK, so now that they got her, they need a place to hide out. Kenner has a nice little place that he built himself that he says nobody knows about. That’s action-movie talk for “In the next 10-minutes this place will be blown up or set on fire”. But before all that, Kenner not only nails the chick they’re suppose to be protecting. Which I suspect is a
manly-assed ruse just so he could nail her. But he also gets told by Johnny that “just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you that you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen on a man”. HELL YEAH! They then proceed to kill a ton of fuckers with bad-ass guns, and ninja weaponry, before they allow themselves to get caught.
So, here we are. At the head-quarters of the bad guys. They try to torture these burly fucks but as we all know, torture scenes are nothing more than fodder for the heroes to try out some bad-assed one-liners. Such as Johnny’s; “In between cooking cycles, you’re suppose to baste us”
He also follows that up, once they escape, with the ever witty “You have the right to be dead” after throwing that bald-dude from the Ninja Turtles into a boiling pot of something. Sucks he had to die, he had a lot of promise. Brandon Lee, that is.
It’ll all comes down to the end fight scene between Yoshida, and Kenner. Now, if you don’t wanna spoil the ending, avert your eyes. Otherwise, avert any nerd like substance within a hundred feet of yourself, because …well, come to think of it, anytime you watch, or read about one of these movies you should take such precaution because
this shit’ll bust the holy hell outta anything nerd-like within a 100 blocks. Fuck, yeah. Anyways…
Yoshida and Kenner have a bad-assed sword fight in the middle of a Japanese parade, to which it ends with Yoshida catching a katana to the gut, then Kenner throwing him onto a spin-the-wheel-make-the-deal sorta
thing. Yoshida sticks of course, ’cause he’s got the sword coming out of his stomach, but then the wheel spins a bunch and blows up! FUCK YEAH! You don’t mess with a guy who jumps cars then flips them over with his bare-hands. Perhaps if he knew Kenner had a massive penis he would have had more caution, but never the less, he’s fucking toast.
An absolutely awesome action movie that I rank up there with the Die Hards. Yes. It’s THAT burly.
Official Man-Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
Guys Beat Up: 28
Guys Killed: 46
Swear Words: 33
Slow Motion Scenes: 11
Car Chases: 0
Chases on Foot: 1
Broken Bones: 2
Fight/Shoot-Out At A Motel?: No
Guy Get The Girl?: Yeap
Lead Hero Smoke?: Nope
[After Kenner rope-swings into the middle of the underground
fight-club ring, a guy yells “$5,000 on the new guy!”. To which Kenner
Kenner: Good bet
[a guy is just crushed while sitting inside a car while it’s sitting inside a car-press]
Yoshida: I hate to see him die that way, it crushes me.
[Kenner and Johnny are being tortured via electrocution]
Johnny: In between cooking cycles, you’re suppose to baste us
[After throwing a dude into a boiling pool of something]
Johnny: You have the right to be dead
[Some baddies are about to bust up a restaurant, to which Kenner walks up and disarms one of them after they try and stab him]
Kenner: Alright, c’mon guys, don’t do this. I don’t get breakfast I get real grumpy. I don’t think you’d like me grumpy.
[After escaping their torturing capture, they dash outside and
Johnny states “let’s find that *beep* Once in the car, they are put in
quite a predicament involving a fork-lift, car-crusher, and a Yakuza]
Kenner: Uh-Oh. The assholes found us first.
[Kenner is leaving Minako at his place with a pistol-grip shotgun.
He tells her to shoot anything that moves. She asks “what if it’s you?”
he states “you won’t hear me coming”. So, this is right after they get
done doing it]
Minako: That time I heard you coming.
It made a little over half a million [$649,809] in it’s opening weekend of August 25th, 1991. It only opened on 140 screens, though. It wasn’t really advertised that well, either. Had it been, it would have raked in way more than it’s final number of $2,275,557.
Man-Point Tally: 5,000,000
For: Rope Swinging, Turning Over Car With Bare-Hands, Having Biggest Dick Someone Has Ever Seen, Breaking Own Neck
In the end, it’s an incredible action flick that doesn’t take it self too seriously, without being too stupid at the same time. It’s an awesome, awesome movie.
5 out of 5 Head-Butts.