Top 10 Friday The 13th Kills

Sure, Michael Meyers may be the original, but to me, Jason is the King. He never faulted, he didn’t turn into a fucking goof-ball self parody, his origin wasn’t explained into the ground with a stupid cult, nor did he turn into a f’ning chatterbox, ala Pinhead. He’s just mobbed, stomped colons, and ate steaks like a real man.

He’s an artist, and here, I present his finest works of art. Props to I-Mockery for some of the pics when I couldn’t find movies for it. Dig it, kids!

Before we get started, I’d like to give an honorable mention to Rick’s un-cut death from Part 7: The New Blood. Thanks to the awesome people at MPAA, they destroyed The New Blood. They totally butchered all of the death scenes, and honestly made this a film that could pass as PG-13 today. It’s a damn shame, because Buechler is in my opinion the greatest SFX man ever. If they had left the movie alone, than number 7 would be my all time fav Jason film. Thankfully, the footage exists at least, and has been released. So, peep the video. Rick is the black guy who gets his head crushed all to hell. But, thankfully the MPAA saved me from seeing this, and thus committing the very act myself on the next person I see.

10 – Palm a basketball? That’s for bitches. Palm a heart? That’s for bad-asses.

The first death of Friday The 13th VI: Jason Lives is Jason showing how pissed he is for being woken up while taking a super-bad-assed nap. Shit, he probably had morning wood and Tommy stepped on it while fucking around with his coffin, thus, Jason needed to rip out his friend’s heart. Remember;

You fuck with Jason’s boner, you’re going to die.

9 – Ted. Ted? TED! HEY, TED, where the hell is the corkscrew?!

We all know the dance that Jim [Crispin Glover] rocks in The Final Chapter, but that isn’t his shinning moment. Instead, it’s his death. He, after proving that he isn’t a dead fuck, wants to celebrate with a bit of the bubbly. Hell, who wouldn’t? I’d get seriously drunk, then puke all over the bitch. Or perhaps black out and go potty in the bed, and on her. Which would rule. Anyways, so that’s his plan, but alas, he cannot find the corkscrew. Instead, it finds him.

It’s really Tom Savini at his finest. It was actually shot in reverse, in that the blade was placed on his face, and then pulled out and played in reverse. If you watch it, you can tell. Rad stuff, kids, rad stuff.

8 – Let’s just go with the obvious line of ‘he’s screwed’

I couldn’t find any pics, or videos of this death scene, and that’s a shame. In the theatrical release, the death wasn’t much. However, in the uncut version I think it’s one of the all time greats. Jason catches Chewie and despite all the effort he puts into not being killed with a screwdriver, it’s futile. Jason gets it in there, and slowly, oh so slowly he works towards the crown of the skull. Chewie is sputtering blood, and slowly giving up the fight as Jason keeps up the good work. It’s just so simple, and so brutal. Kudos.

7 – Jesus Christmas! Holy Jesus goddamn! Holy Jesus jumping Christmas shit!

One of the greatest characters whom I never see get his due, is Axel. He’s the awesome coroner who places his food on dead bodies, and always works with a rocking boner which he tries to give to all the nurses he sees. When he isn’t busy getting his sexual harassment on, he’s watching those awesome exercise movies from the80’s. The ones that no woman ever watched to exercise with, but dudes watched to get rocking boners in which to bludgeon nurses and, possibly, dead bodies with.

Well, as with all good things, it had to end. Jason came into his morgue one day, and they traded places. Jason walked out, and Axel was on the slab. The way we arrived at this ol’ switcharoo, is a super-bad-assed kill. Jason takes a hacksaw, cuts more than half-way through Axel’s neck, then twists the motherfucker 180 degrees. It’s very rad.  It’s the first death in this video, so, you don’t have to watch for long.

6 – You got something in your eye, kid. Oh. Snaps. It’s a harpoon.

Part 3 is quite divided amongst the fan base. I don’t understand why people groan about it. Because, really, it’s no more different than any of the others. Sure, the acting isn’t as great, and the action is a bit subdued, but it still rocks. We get an odd ensemble of kids, mostly faceless, with a few that stand out.

This one is also landmark for being in 3D, and also the one where Jason gets the hockey mask. Anyways, to the kill. Vera, who is the cock-tease of this movie, is some what set up on a blind date with Shelly. I say some what because everyone on this little trip had somebody, so they wanted that to be the same for Shelly. Although, I find it hard to believe that a fat kid with a Jew-fro, who carries around masks and prop-knives in his lunchbox because he’s an “actor”, has a hard time finding a date. Anyways, he gets off on scaring people, or pulling pranks. One of his pranks is to scare Vera with his harpoon gun, while wearing a hockey mask. She’s so turned on, that she tells him to go to hell. He leaves his things behind, accidentally including his wallet. So, she drops it in the water by mistake, and goes in to get it.

So, for her trouble she gets shot in the face, nay, the motherfucking eye with a harpoon. She has mom-style pancake butt, so, it’s no real loss.

It’s an awesome shot, with or without 3D. Of course, with 3D, it’s one of the best gags ever done with that technology.

5 – Jason liked that face impression needle thing you can see at Spencers, so, he made his own. Plus, he had a rocking boner.

As you know from my <a href= target=new>ranking of the Friday The 13ths</A>, Jason Lives is my favorite. This kill here, has always  been my favorite. It’s swift, brutal, and awesome. I mean, holy shit man, how bad would that fucking hurt? I’m sure she cried like a pussy after he did it too, which is why he went and stabbed her boyfriend, to show her how a real man dies. The way this bad-boy was filmed was underwater. They had a piece of latex and she just crammed her face into it, and tadow. Pretty inventive. Another awesome part is the song Teenage Frankenstein, by Alice Cooper. He also did the main theme for the movie, Man Behind The Mask. This movie has a couple f-ups, and one of them is when Cort is driving, he’s really digging the song, so he cranks the volume dial, and the song doesn’t turn up one decibel. Good times.

You can watch the video up there from number 10, but I thought I’d include a photo of the end result. Diggin’ it.

4 – If the bed or body doesn’t fold, get a boner, and then make’em fold.

I’ve never been so suddenly impressed in a movie theater that I started clapping. However, this death scene popped that cherry. I went to see Freddy vs. Jason on the day it came out, first showing. To that day, I’d never been so excited to see anything. I still have drawings I did when I was 7, depicting the ever epic battle between Mr. Kruger & Mr. Voorhees. As it went, I thought Trey getting stabbed numerous times in an ode to the bed-impalement death from number 2 was going to be it, but then Jason grabbed the fucking bed and folded it in half. How manly is that? People say the back-breaking kill of Sheriff Garrett in Jason Lives was more impressive, but I say hell no, sir. Folding a bed in half is hard enough, I’d imagine. But also a body? You also never saw it coming, he just fucking did it out of the blue and and basically established himself as a walking embodiment of the movie Commando.

Ronny Yu didn’t dig the death, so the writers got on the floor and basically acted it out for him. Why Yu didn’t get a mega-boner at the sheer mention of a death scene like that is beyond me, but seeing it fold out in front of him got his mojo working.

3 – Only a pussy hasn’t punched someone’s head off. So, Jason, Johnny Cage, and I are the only non-pussies.

How the fuck could this not be woman-in-the-kitchen-making-me-nachos-like-she-should style awesomeness? This guy, Julius, is a pretty decent boxer. Well, when the ship becomes commandeered by pirate Jason, they all head for the Big Apple. As it stands, they all split up. They’re trying to find a girl who was kidnapped by some druggies. Well, Julius splits and heads to a phone-booth to call some sex-lines, which is what any real man would have done. Jason comes around and wants to listen in, but Julius is a total cock-blocker and won’t let’em. So, he runs away and finds himself trapped on the roof. What’s a man to do? Guns don’t work. Knives. Axes. Look to the fist, man, look to the fist. He rocks that motherfucker, and just before he can get Jason off the roof, he lets J-Man take a shot. We all know what happens next. Julius catches the punch, and FINALLY gets the power of the glow. I have to admit, I didn’t see that plot twist.

Kane Hodder said that VC’s [Julius] punches hurt worse than the professional boxer they hired. Kane was wearing pads, and so both guys pretty much went full bore, but the pro pulled his punches a bit. The way they filmed the show is just as you’d imagine–they tossed it off the roof. VC still has the mock-head.

2 – Jason does his friend a favor, by turning one bitch into two. Oh, and neither of them speak. Score.

This is not only my 2nd favorite Friday The 13th death, but it’s one of my all time favorite death scenes ever. It’s simple as all get out, too. Two people are having some sex, guy is getting some boob touching done, when TADOW! A spear-like-object that’s used to make fences comes bursting out of the chick’s stomach, and then ripped upward, splitting her in two. It’s so fucking awesome. I mean, how on Earth could you see that coming? Sure, you knew Jason was going to probably stab this bitch, but man did he do us one better. Talk about cock-blocking.

The couple who were having sex, were actually in a relationship about a month earlier. They had a messy break-up, and by sheer coincidence, they landed these roles opposite of each other.

Man, the worst part about all that, is if you were the dude, and she was on top of you, bodies always release waste when they die. So, not only are you going to have blue balls, but this chick just pooped and peed all over you. That’s bad news bears if you ask me.

Gentlemen, start your boners.

1 – No wit needed. Jason freezes some bitch’s face and FUCKING SMASHES IT!

After I witnessed this scene, I was amazed at how once this was completed, it didn’t become our national anthem.

As it is, Jason was frozen for a couple hundred years. His body was found, and they felt the need to un-thaw him. You know that pissed him off, because he was probably having a rad dream where he drove his elbow through the skull of obnoxious mothers. You know the type. They bitch about movies like Friday The 13th, saying that films like that are a bad influence on her children. While she just got done having a super-cool divorce, and had 2 new boyfriends within a month of signing her papers.

Anyways, he wakes up, with the hardest case of morning wood ever. I mean, goddamn, he’d been asleep for hundreds of years. His boner could cut glass at this point. So, he gets up, grabs a bitch, and dunks her face into liquid nitrogen, and TADOW, turns her face into a sno-cone. I think if something like that was in every movie, every movie would be worth seeing. Except for any of those parody movies that were made in this decade. Which, by the way, kindly fuck off if you’ve actually sat through one of those and enjoyed it.

How could you not mark out for a death like this? It’s just too damn rad to not be number one. Jason X gets a lot of crap, and I don’t really understand why. This movie isn’t really taking itself that serious, but doesn’t delve into self-parody. There’s cool deaths, a ton of action, and a new environment. Sure, I didn’t dig all the really bright colors, but that’s my only gripe. I wish I could have seen the movie that Todd Farmer actually wrote, he said his script was cut up all to hell, and that his was much darker.

There you have it, boys and girls. You finally know which of Jason’s kills are the best, so when pressed for it, like I’m sure you all are weekly, you can give an answer. With most of these lists, and even Kane Hodder, they all think the sleeping bag kill from Part 7 is the best. It’s a fine kill, but I just don’t enjoy it all that much. The outtake is much better, as Jason just cracks her over and over until he just says fuck it and drops her.


~ by Caliber Winfield on December 31, 2009.

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