The Only Review Of Cool As Ice You’ll Ever Need

So, I was flipping through me cable the other day, when I saw that MoviePlex, an odd movie station that usually airs a ton of crap, with a choice picture here and there, was in fact airing, Cool As Ice. So because of them, you are lucky enough to get my review. Now, let’s get down by law…

Cool As Ice
Director: David Kellog
Year: 1991
Budget: $6 Million
Box Office: 1.1 Million
Tag-Line: When a girl’s heart is made of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice. [OK, seriously? That doesn’t make sense in so many fucking ways I can’t even joke about it.]

Now, before we get started, you wanna hear of a bone head move? Gwyneth Paltrow was going go ahead with the role of Cathy, but her stupid-assed dad talked her out of it. Pssh, way to go Stage Dad.

Warning: There’s so many fucking bright, bright colors coming at you in this movie, you may have a seizure. I for one, had at least 7 strokes. Even my dick had a stroke, so now only the right side gets the boner, and the right doesn’t. Yeah, if you think that sounds weird, try looking at it.

So, the movie starts with a little show from the Ice Man. Who got Naomi Campbell to sing on the track with. Now, I may not know dancing, but this is some dancing!

As they’re leaving, Bobbi Brown of Cherry Pie fame gives Ice her number, to which his posse all turns around and goes “AAHH!” because, you know, this always happens! Damn, hot girls banging on Ice.

They then drive off to a normal little town, and Ice sees a girl riding her horse. Behind a 5ft fence. Vanilla then jumps his fucking bike over it without ANY sort of ramp or anything.

Horse gets scared, she gets pissed, then what? His bike is stuck back there. But, I guess he can just eat a leaf, turn into a racoon and fly over the fence with it. That’s about as logical as his way of originally getting over the fence.

So, they’re driving through town, and people are staring at them like they did at me once when I grew a 6 foot boner for charity. What’s odd, is the people that are starring at them are right outside of a house that has globes ontop of fence posts, and the roof of their house is wallpapered with the map of the world. So, these locals see this shit every day, but a couple of people with puffy jackets on motorbikes is absolutely mind blowing?

Well, outside of the crazy house, one of Ice’s crew has a breakdown with his bike. The crazy couple comes running out, and saying they’re late. Obviously they’ve mistaken them for someone, yet, they never say who. They just start saying they can fix the bike, without anyone saying a word about it being broken. Ice then goes across the street to the house where the horse girl is. She’s outside with her boyfriend, chatting. Now, let me state, he doesn’t get within 10 feet of her. Seriously, not 10 feet. So, the next scene we find out he stole her date book. Yet, he wasn’t within 10 feet. At this point, through deduction, we discover he’s Mr. Fantastic. Oh, and we also get;

Cat is on the news [Ice discovers her name is Cathy, but he has to be original, so it’s now Cat], along with father. Local news. In a bar, some thugs see him and can’t believe it. So, Cat’s father gets a call that all of a sudden hangs up, IMMEDIATELY he knows they’re on to him. Never, in history has he ever had a phone call go wayward. It’s odd, these guys have been looking for him, yet they’ve obviously been near to have seen him on the local news. They are scary.

Ice heads to the Sugar Shack to find Cat. There’s a geeky band on stage playing, they suck, Ice can’t have it, he turns it out. Cat dances with Ice, to which her boyfriend objects, and tries to rape her later. Let the punishment fit the crime, I say.

Also, might I add, from here on out Vanilla will rock a jacket that I would pay $1000 for RIGHT NOW. Let’s have a look..

Danger, Deep, Freeze, Hype, Ice, Lust, down by law, ah yeah!, Rollin, sex me up, yep yep, ?, Dope.

Those are all the slammin’ things his jacket says. My favorite is ‘sex me up’. Which, I believe at this point he was amidst his relationship with Madonna. For which he later appeared in her book, Sex. Let’s get back to the story;

Ice heads back to the pad, to find Cat’s boyfriend trashing his friend’s bike. Ice then kicks the crap out of 63 guys, seriously.

The next morning, Cat wakes up to Ice putting ice in her mouth. How fucking gross is that? Someone you don’t know, sticking their fingers all in your mouth. I would have woke up puking all over them, and probably amazing them with my morning boner.

Ice then leaves, and as he’s standing in the yard looking pretty cool, the sprinklers just turn on, which for some reason made me laugh, because he acted like he was getting hit by rape, and not water. Nice piece of continuity, as we cut to him running back out to his bike, and being bone dry.

Ice and Cat head to a construction site for a nice montage. They chase each other around, why, I haven’t any clue. When I chase a girl, it’s not to play cute, it’s to be playing ass-kicker because I said “nachos” not “sit around”.

So, we get a piece of back story, finally. Her father was put into witness relocation, for rolling on some dirty cops, and they relocate him about, what, 10 miles from where he came from? Then the idiot goes on TV? OK. Man, they should get Arnold to cover this all up and give them a new identity. You’ve seen Eraser, right? That movie kicks serious ass.

Cat’s dad says that Ice is in on it, she believes him, her little bro is kidnapped, she asks Ice to save the day, Ice crashes through some drywall on his motorbike, even though the room is two stories up, and then does the same move like, 23 times to the same guy. He then manages to jump Cat’s ex boyfriend’s car, once again, without a ramp, and with Cat on the back. He’s a God.

This movie is a loose remake of Rebel Without a Cause, staring James Dean. The only real differences are that Rebel is in black & white, and James Dean does more rapping.

It was more or less just a vehicle for Vanilla, to cash in on his uber-super stardom. I’m actually shocked this movie didn’t make more money, to be honest. Vanilla was fucking HUGE back in the day. I really don’t think there’s been a bigger pinnacle with matching backlash as Vanilla’s. Or at the least, none that happened as quickly. He got a raw deal, as his record company orchestrated all of the stuff he was clowned on, but at the same time he had his hand out and got super-paid each time. He said that everyone would have done the same thing, but to be honest, I don’t think I would. If I wasn’t a musician that one day hopes to actually make a dollar or two off of it, and cherishes his creditability, then I would do it in a heart beat. But not the movie. Well, unless I got the jacket.

Watching it by yourself, this sucker earns 0 out of 5. But if you’re with friends, this bad boy gets 5 out of 5. It’s one of the all time greats in the so-bad-it’s-good department. Ed Wood would be so proud.


~ by Caliber Winfield on January 16, 2010.

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