Man Movie Encyclopedia Entry: Bloodsport

A high ranking soldier gone AWOL. The greatest fighters from around the world. A highly secret tournament…….that everyone runs their mouth about in the open.

Bloodsport
Star: Jean- Claude Van Damme
Director: Newt Arnold
Year: 1988

The Kumite. A secret annual tournament held in China, invite to only the greatest martial artists in the world. Full contact. Full bad-assery.

We get a great intro, setting up the whole deal before we meet our hero. Being the man I am, I have provided such video.

Frank Dux a soldier in the army that we greet as he’s spin-kicking the shit out of a speed-bag. He’d like to practice on fans of E! Channel’s reality TV shows, but they’re too stupid to stand there and get kicked. Oh well.

He’s told that he’s wanted by the higher-ups. Frank’s cool with that, but he’s gotta hit the showers first. Right then it’s obvious that the private who came to get him is an idiot, because Dux is a real man, and real men only shower in the tears of children who’s toys they just broke. So, it’s obvious this shower business he’s speaking of is a ruse to escape. Oh, and escape he does.

So, the higher ups know he’s headed to Hong Kong. To enter the secret tournament that nobody knows about, The Kumite.

We then find Frank at the house of some old Asian lady. When I first saw this, I assumed he followed her home because she cut him off and continued to drive like shit in his lane, because she’s a woman, and Asian. I eagerly awaited him to give her a receipt in the form of a broken collarbone, but it turns his Sensi lives here. We will still assume that she can’t drive worth shit, and that’s why she’s home instead of out getting her man some steaks.

At this point, we get the obligatory back story and training montage. As it goes, Frank broke into this house with some friends when he was young, his friends saw a bitching sword and wanted to play with it. Welp, the family came home so the friends ditched the sword and ran. Frank, having no problem breaking in just won’t allow a sword to be cast to the ground. So, he picks it up, puts it back, and some tiny Asian kid runs in and kicks him in the gut. Once again confirming that all Asian people know martial arts. The kid’s father, Tanaka, likes the way Frank gets kicked, so he makes a deal. No cops, and in exchange Frank helps Tanaka train Shingo, his son, which in turn will also train Frank. And so, another movie begins to piss me off that I never had a cool, older Asian dude to teach me martial arts when I was young. Of course in this day in age, instead of training in kung-fu, it’s training in penis touching. Anyways…

We get an awesome scene that shows these young ruffs beating the hell out of Tanaka’s son, so Frank runs in to help. He clears house, and helps Shingo up, who then doesn’t say anything except to just blurt out “One day I will win the Kumite [the secret tournament] and make my Father proud”. Not a thank you, not a how you doing, just that. How does he answer his phone? ringring “One day, I will install my chin-up bar, and make Tony Atlas proud”.

Anyways, Shingo dies because he wanted to make Evil Knievel proud because someone asked him how he was doing. So, Frank wants to be trained to the max in order win the Kumite. Tanaka gets the training montage on. We get splits training, meditation training, the ol’ blind-folded training, and maintaining a boner while watching two guys rub sand paper on their nipples training. He’s finally ready.

So, we’re in China, at a motel. In the lobby there’s an American reporter chick, asking fighters about the super secret tournament, Kumite.

Meanwhile, Frank walks into another part of the motel and we see an ultimate man named Ray Jackson playing Karate Champ. You know he’s a fucking man because he’s got a beard, and a lazy eye. Fuck yeah. So, he asks Frank if he wants to play. They go a few rounds, and Frank kicks his ass. Ray then says if Frank likes this kind of fighting, he can come and watch him fight in The Kumite, the super secret tournament.

Finally, the first day of the tournament nobody knows about is going down. The judges aren’t really buying Frank’s act, so he does this thing where he punches a stack of bricks, but only breaks the one on the bottom! Fuck yeah! One time I stacked three chicks on top of each other, and only fucked the one at the bottom. I was so cool.

Are you fucking KIDDING me? He looks like ten Asians smashed together. Mixed with a dump-truck. And bronzer.

At this point, Chong Li, the uber-bad-ass and undefeated champ, looks at Frank and says “brick, don’t hit back!”. Which, is a bit of a shout out to real men like myself, because that’s what Bruce Lee said to O’Hara in Enter The Dragon, and Chong Li is all up in ETD.

We get some fights goin, and it’s gravy baby. Ray fights a guy, but pretty much doesn’t even know the guy is there until Ray let’s his nose bleed onto the guy’s fist. He was probably too busy thinking about eating endangered animals to deal with the nerd in front of him. So then he just clubs the guy in the face and ends it. Rock on. Chong Li steps up, blows some boogers out, and takes the dude out so fast he gets the new world record. Frank is up, and he gets the new record.

Back at the hotel, there’s a bunch of fighters in the lobby, talking loudly about the super secret tournament, The Kumite. The reporter is there and wants to know about it. The fighters are thinking more like, rape. Hey, who is she to bawk at a culture’s customs? Typical, stuck up American. Frank makes the save, and then they have the sex. And, very much to my shock, he talks about The Kumite.

It’s fight time again, and we get more burly awesomeness. Chong Li beats a dude, and then finds out he’s one of those “Go Green!” assholes that don’t shut up about all that bullshit, so he straight up breaks his leg until the bone is poking out. It’s rad. Now that asshole is gonna have to use a wheel chair, and drive every where, and waste gas and all types of shit. Ah ha. Ray is aaaaaaall about wanting to fight Chong Li, Frank tries to cool him on it, but Ray is just way too man to listen.

Back at the motel, Frank and Ray are chilling in the lobby, when the Cock-Blocker Crew comes up [the dudes sent by the Army to get Frank]. They try and coax Frank into coming back, and he explains that he’ll be at the airport when he’s done at the super secret tournament. Even with the threat of tasers that are as big as Chong Li’s leg, Frank bolts as Ray tackles them for the sole reason of busting heads.

We’re back to fight night, baby. Ray finally gets his wish, and gets to face Chong Li. Frank tells him to watch for Chong’s stomach, that he leaves it open, and it’s his weak spot. Sure enough, Ray gets his dig in, and Chong goes down. Being a real man, Ray gets his hot dog on. He then decides he’s a bit tired of busting heads, and wants to just get drunk and eat buffalo wings instead. So, Chong gets the upper-hand and fucks up Ray, stomping on his skull. Frank, is a bit pissed. Ray owes him $10, and if he dies, he’s out.

At this point, the interviewer chick begs Frank not to fight, because this Chong Li dude is a killer. However, Frank is a man, as we’ve established, and a man never listens to a woman. Unless she’s giving him praise, and to be honest, there’s really no other reason for a woman to be speaking, you know?

It’s game time, baby. Chong Li and Frank have it out, and it’s a gnarly battle. Frank starts getting the upper hand, and Chong, being the sneaky-pete, throws powder into Frank’s eyes. But oooh shit, Chong doesn’t know that Frank is a master of serving his Sensei dinner and tea while wearing a blind fold, so it’s game time, baby. Frank is now the Undisputed Kumite World Champion. Too bad you can’t go bragging about it on TV, because you know, it’s a super secret tournament. Again, because I’m the man, you can check out the whole fight bewteen Frank and Chong Li.

In the frame of the last scene, we get these facts about Mr. Frank Dux; From 1975 to 1980, Frank W. Dux had 329 matches. He has retired undefeated as the Heavyweight class Kumite champion. He still holds records to this day. Quickest knockout: 32 seconds. Quickest punch in a knockout: 3.2 seconds. Fastest Kick in a knockout: 72 MPH. Total knockouts: 92.

This movie, along with Kickboxer, set the world of martial arts film on fire. You couldn’t go to a video store, or turn on Showtime with out seeing at least 15 movies about a martial arts tournament, or a guy having to fight a bunch of people out of revenge, or the both combined. Not all of those were as good as the original, though. Bloodsport is one fucking awesome movie. You get a nice basic story, with great fights, awesome bad guys, and a great buddy team of Frank and Ray. There are few movies more fit for watching alone to entertain yourself, or to watch when you and the chaps are cold gangster chilling. Some people claim it’s Van Damme’s best, I disagree, but it’s in the top 3. Goddamn, is this movie great.

Man Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
1-Liners:
1
Guys Beat-Up: 30
Guys Killed: 1
Swear Words: 12
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 0
Slow Motion: 43
Car Chases: 0
Foot Chases: 1
Broken Bones: 2
Fight At A Motel?: Yes
Guy Get Girl?: Yes
Guy Smoke?:No

1-Liners:
Chong Li: You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend

Chong Li: But brick not hit back!

Man-Facts:
The movie apparently details the live of Frank Dux between 1975-1980. He’s been admit a bit of controversy in the martial arts community. He’s made a lot of claims reguarding his status as the undefeated champion of the Kumite, but doesn’t have any substantial proof. He claims to have a trophy, while a reporter from Los Angeles claims to have seen a receipt for the trophy. Regardless, he has created his own form of Ninjitsu called Dux Ryu Ninjitsu, and is the reason behind one of the manliest movies of all time.

Box-Office Business:
Made for 1.5 million dollars, and made almost 12 at the box office.


5 Out of 5 Head-Butts

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~ by Caliber Winfield on January 19, 2010.

6 Responses to “Man Movie Encyclopedia Entry: Bloodsport”

  1. I wonder how many steaks you had to eat and bench presses you had to do, not only to make it through the movie, but to then try to fathom its manliness and write a coherent blog entry about it. Anyway, been a while since I’ve been to the site, but it’s good to see the quality posts are still there. I’ll have to check out Jennifer’s Body.

  2. Yeah, hadn’t heard from you in a while, good to see you’re still stopping by.

    Well, it wasn’t a question of how many steaks, really. It was how many cows. Live ones, at that. I had to curl a cow while at the same time eat him. It was the only way to match the burliness that Van Damme’s splits emits.

    Yeah, a lot of people crapped on Jennifer’s Body. I don’t know why, unless they were expecting Goodfellas or something. I knew it was just going to be a horror movie about a succubus, not the cure for cancer.

  3. Megan Fox on Jennifers body is just beautiful and very hot girl _

  4. I simply wanted to leave a quick thoughts to say your weblog was nice. I came across it on the search engines lookup after going through loads of other information which was not really relevant. I was thinking I would discover this much sooner thinking about how excellent the info is.

  5. Hey, Barclay.

    I’m glad you found what you were looking for here. I do try to inform the masses about the brilliance of Van Damme. Hopefully you find more rad stuff in and around my site.

    Thanks again for reading.

  6. Hey there, You’ve done a fantastic job. I’ll probably undoubtedly delicious it and I’ll suggest to my friends. I know they will be benefited from this page.

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