The Only Ranking Of The Nightmare On Elm Streets You’ll Ever Need

A Nightmare on Elm Street, a landmark in horror, as well as film-making.

Freddy Kruger, one of the all time great villains and over-all characters in both fiction and cinema. A pillar of 80’s pop culture, created from the mind of horror legend, Wes Craven. Whom over the course of a couple years saved some news paper clippings detailing the accounts of 3 separate people who died from their dreams. All un-related, and had previously told those around them that they were afraid to sleep. One of them actually had a coffee maker hidden in his closet.

I wasn’t allowed to watch A Nightmare On Elm Street when I was a kid. My mother felt that those movies weren’t something a youngster should be watching. Of course, as 10 year olds do, I disobeyed one day and watched The Dream Child at a friend’s house. There was a scene where Freddy made a girl eat her own guts until she exploded. Or something to that effect. I was so grossed out, and bothered by it that I didn’t watch another Elm Street for almost 10 years. To this day I haven’t watched it since then, and even though I’m a stickler for doing things by the book when it comes to reviews, I won’t put part 5 in this list. I’ve heard it sucks anyways, so I’m not missing much. Although, the comic book nerd who gets killed was kinda cool. Also, I’m not going to include Freddy vs. Jason, because that’s really a Friday The 13th movie, Freddy only kills one person, and Jason, I believe, in a rough estimate, kills 1,344 people. Also, I’ll include my favorite kill from each one.

*NOTE* WordPress is being a bitch, and won’t work with the layout I’m trying to present, so the titles of the movie are up by the rating for the previous movie. It’s not hard to figure out what’s going on, just looks a little weird, and I wanted to give you a heads up…

Welcome to prime time…

Freddy's Dead - Director: Rachel Talalay - Released: September 13th, 1991 - Box-Office: 31 Million

VI – Freddy’s Dead

Man, could the tag-line on this poster be a bigger lie? “They Saved The Best For Last”. Wow, what a freaking load of herpes flakes. This movie is such a massive black-eye on the whole series. The worst of the Friday The 13th sequels is better than this by miles.

Freddy is at his utmost lameness, the complete antithesis of Wes Craven’s original vision. Hell, in the very beginning Freddy imitates the Wicked Witch of The West. Who on Earth is that suppose to scare? Or why on Earth is that suppose to even be funny? For Freddy’s final venture, he only kills 3 fucking people, and they’re all lame-duck deaths. For the deaf guy, he was almost dispatched in a cool way. Had the dropping pins made his head explode, that would have rocked. Instead, they just drug it out. What do we get after that? Perhaps the dumbest moment in Elm Street history, in which Freddy kills a guy via a video game, using the fucking Power Glove. It just looked so damn silly, and flat out fucking sucked. Also, what’s with the plot? In the beginning we learn this kid has amnesia, yet, he remembers EVERYTHING.

They also insisted on doing everything in the last sequence in 3D. It could have been great, but instead we get these stupid worms coming at us. I mean, this is the death of Freddy, and we’re going to sacrifice quality for some 3D bullshit? Not to mention, they show the demons coming to Freddy before he dies, and they ask him what he wants. What’s he say? “I want it all!!” OK. So, having it all means you’re horribly burnt, and only able to kill people in their dreams? I’d say he got ripped on that deal.

Best Kill: Alth0ugh they drug it out, it’s better than The Powerglove.

1/5 "This is God"

Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy's Revenge - Director: Jack Sholder - Released: November 1st, 1985 - Box-Office: 23 Million

V – Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

Ah, Freddy’s Revenge, or as it’s known amongst the kids, The Big Gay Freddy Movie. I have no problem that the movie is obviously about being a gay teenager that’s in the closet, but that’s not why I watch these movies. If I want a deep, introspective about gay teen life, I’ll look for it. I just want a normal horror movie. Besides, that isn’t what makes this movie suck, it’s the fact that it’s written horribly. Freddy only appears for about 17 minutes out of the whole movie, and in his biggest appearance most of his victims look taller than him.

The whole leather bar thing is so completely stupid. Why would Freddy lead him there? Why would his Coach even care that he’s there? WHY ON EARTH does his Coach make him come back to the school to run laps, and why the fuck would Jesse listen? So, then we’re treated to hands down, the most homosexual and ridiculous murder ever. The Coach gets strung up in the shower, then whipped on his butt a bunch of times with a towel before Freddy slashes him.

Are you f'ning serious?

It doesn’t make sense for Freddy to want to come into our world. He has no powers, and becomes mortal. The only points this movie has, is that Freddy is still dark, and there’s an awesome scene of Freddy coming out of Jesse’s body. But, other than that, it’s a wash, baby. Oh, and Freddy bites someone? What the hell? Oh, and a quick little PS….calling this Freddy’s Revenge was really stupid. Wasn’t Freddy’s whole purpose of returning from the dead that of revenge? It’s just dumb to think he extracted revenge, was beat, and wants revenge.

I couldn’t really find anything noteworthy, death wise in this crap fest of a movie. When Freddy leaves Jesse’s body, that’s pretty sweet, so, we’ll do that.

1/5 "This Is God"

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master - Director: Renny Harlin - Released: August 19th, 1988 - Box-Office: 49.3 Million

IV – Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

The 4th entry in the Elm Street series was brought to us by Finnish director, Renny Harlin, who has brought us some man-classics in the name of Cliffhanger, and Die Hard 2. This turned out to be the biggest money maker in terms of box-office, due to the success and sheer awesomeness of The Dream Warriors.

This is a pretty decent entry in the series. Not that great when compared to it’s better counterparts, but awesome when compared to it’s less halves. I liked that they had the characters from the 3rd one, simply for continuity, but at the same time I thought it was stupid to kill them off. All it says is that there is no hope, no matter what Freddy will kill you. There’s also debate on how Freddy came back. People seem to think the dog peeing fire was what did it, but that’s not true. It’s the way he always comes back, due to people being afraid of him. We know that Kristen had the ability to drag people into her dreams, well, she was the one who was preaching about the fear, so that coupled with her ability, brought ol’ Fred back.

The Dream Warriors had some of the best kills, and this one had ones that were vastly under-par. I mean, an invisible Freddy being beat up by a guy who’s trying to pass as a martial artist because he can kick in the air? Then he just gets the glove to the gut, just like Kincaid. There wasn’t much to Joey’s death, either. It was done much better in part 1. Also, the way Freddy is dispatched is just about as stupid a death as you can get. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. She says a stupid nursery rhyme, and shows Freddy a mirror? What the hell, man.

But enough bitching, there is a lot of good about this one. First off, although there are some lame deaths, there are some awesome ones. Freddy going for the big kiss, and literally sucking the life out of that nerdy chick was great. I also enjoyed that one girl just going up in flames like a match, especially since she told her mother that she was the one who killed her just before she went up to beddy-bye. The best death, and one of the best deaths in the series, is when the fitness chick, who also happens to hate bugs, get’s turned into a gnarly cockroach, to which Freddy then crushes. Good times, man, good times.

Other than the goofy-ass boyfriend who had posters of ninja-Sho Kosugi in his room, as he jumps around with a lame head band on, there’s some decent characters here. I like that they brought back the 3 survivors from Dream Warriors, but it’s kind of lame that they were killed. I mean, c’mon, can’t anyone fucking survive Freddy? Nugga please.

Now, I couldn’t find a video of the cockroach death, but I did find the ending. Now, it’s stupid how she beats Freddy, but his death is pretty awesome. So, let’s peep the scene.

3/5 "This is God"

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors - Director: Chuck Russel - Released: February 27th, 1987 - Box-Office: 44 Million

III – A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 – The Dream Warriors

Yeeah, motherfucker. Now we’re talking some gangster gangster shit. Although part 2 brought in the dough, it sucked, and Wes wasn’t going to be having any of that nonsense. He needed to bring back some respect to the series, so he penned this awesome sequel, which to be honest, I consider the true follow-up to the original Nightmare.

It takes place at an asylum of sorts for teenagers who seemingly have lost their mind. What’s really happened, is everyone’s fav chi-mo is stomping colons in their dreams. Well, in order to shed some more light on all of this, they bring in an expert, per-say, Nancy Thompson. As she gets to know the chittlins better, she teaches them how to become strong against Freddy, to control their dreams, so to speak.

This is an awesome movie. It’s dark, has a ton of incredible deaths, and Freddy, although funny, isn’t a fucking cornball. We get more insight into Freddy’s past, and get a new dynamic of the kids not being that afraid, and instead prepared and ready to take on the man in the hat.

Because Wes is at the helm, script wise, we get nothing but awesome deaths. Easily some of the series very best. From Freddy using a kids tendons in a marionette style fashion kill, to a hot addict chick getting pumped full of the good stuff, to my personal favorite, Freddy shoving the wannabe actors head into the television. Awesome, awesome stuff.

Honestly, the only thing I can complain about, and it’s really me just trying to find something, is the nerdy kid trying to fight Freddy as a wizard, and that only takes up about a minute or two of the entire film.

4/5 "This is God"

Wes Craven's New Nightmare - Director: Wes Craven - Released: October 14th, 1994 - Box-Office: 14.4 Million

II – Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

Really, on any given day, this could trump the original Nightmare. Reasons being is because the acting for the most part in the original is SO FUCKING HORRIBLE. Heather Langenkamp just didn’t have any chops here, which is understandable in her first roll, but come on. She’s so terrible in this movie, it’s laughable at times. The only acting that’s worse is her mothers. I mean, that whole scene where she describes killing Freddy is torture. Good God…thankfully, but this time, Heather is a million times better.

The story, is that Freddy is actually an ancient evil, and at times we’re able to capture this evil through stories. Basically, the Boogeyman, and every now and then it takes shape through some one’s story. Someone is able to capture it by a story that takes off. So, in the movie, this evil has enjoyed being Freddy for so long, that it’s going to continue this form, and try to cross over through Heather’s child. It’s an awesome premise, and one that’s hard to describe in a short manner.

Wes did everything right here. Freddy got a revamped look, that makes him easily his scariest. The claw is completely re-worked, to include blades on all fingers, and seemingly a lot sharper than the originals. He’s just a brutal, mean motherfucker that doesn’t crack a single joke. Whenever Heather’s kid sleeps, Freddy is able to reek his havoc.

There isn’t a lot of deaths in this movie, but that’s just fine. Obviously the best death is the one that pays homage to the very first death in the NOES series, Tina’s. The babysitter is waiting in a hospital room with Dylan, the child, and as Dylan nods off, Freddy shows up, spears the babysitter with his hand, and drags her all over the room. It’s great stuff.

It’s mos def something only Wes could have done, and really brought dignity back to the series. And, as I said, on any given day it could trump the original.

The full monty, son.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - Director: Wes Craven - Released: November 16th, 1984 - Box-Office: 10.7 Million


I – A Nightmare on Elm Street

Really, what can I say about this film that hasn’t been said?

It’s one of my all time favorites,  not just in horror, but in all of movies. The low budget feel gave it exactly what it needed, the grit and the grime comes right through the screen.

As I mentioned up there, my only beef is the acting. Heather and her mother are simply atrocious at times. From the scene in the police office after Tina’s death, or Nancy’s mom explaining what happened with Freddy.

Speaking of the man, he’s no more scary than he is in this movie. In fact, he’s one of the scariest icons ever here. He’s taunting, and just flat out mean. The best is the scene in the house, where him and Nancy do battle, and he growls that he’s going to rip her in two. No jokes. None of that BS, just one mean motherfucker. There isn’t a bundle of deaths, but for the most part, they make them count. Tina’s death is iconic, and so is Glen’s.

Deaths aren’t the only thing that help carry movie, there’s a ton of great imagery. Freddy stalking Tina down the alley with the elongated arms, chopping his own fingers off, Tina removing his face, his boiler room, it’s all fantastic. I mentioned the battle previously, and it’s worth mentioning again, especially when Freddy is on fire. Major props to the stunt guy, as he caught fire, ran up the stairs, fell down, got back up, went outside, pulled a person out of their car, gave’em an elbow drop, got back in the car, went to a restaurant, complained about the draft, then went back to the house to kick Nancy’s ass.

The hell did you expect?

Now, to cap off this review, which for some reason took me a really long time to complete, we’ll have a look at the trailer for the latest Elm Street remake. At the bottom, you’ll also see a picture of the newest Freddy toy, based on the remake. Sure, it’s more true to what a real burned person looks like, but uh, this is also a story about a child-molester who kills kids in their dreams. I’m not begging for authenticity here. Honestly, he just sorta looks like someone’s grandpa.


Advertisements

~ by Caliber Winfield on February 9, 2010.

5 Responses to “The Only Ranking Of The Nightmare On Elm Streets You’ll Ever Need”

  1. As much as I love Freddy, this review reminds me that I don’t know as much about him as I thought.. that I saw most of these movies when I was a kid or middle-schooler. Damn.

    Is the “Big Gay Freddy movie” thing for part 2 really that obvious and widely known? Haha, because that was always one of my favorite ones.. Something about it just creeped me the hell out, and I never once thought about any sort of homosexual aspect to it.

    I don’t know what to think about the Michael Bay-ified remake. I basically hated the Friday the 13th remake he contributed to, and this one similarly looks kind of dumbed down. Seems like they might be going for a different type of Freddy, though (more serious, less humor), and that could be interesting.

  2. Haha, as far as I know, yeah, every horror fan knows it as the Big Gay Freddy Movie. I recently read a Top 10 Dumbest Freddy Moments, and number one was the whole movie of part 2.

    Think about it, remember Jesse jumpin around his room, all glammed up singing along to…I think, Elton John? I can’t remember. The whole movie he has “something” inside of him, trying to get out, and he just can’t deal with it, and no one understands. The whole leather bar thing, and his Coach getting stripped naked, then whipped with a towel until his ass turns red. Jesse starts making out with his girlfriend, but then runs out of there to a guy’s bedroom, and just looms over him until he wakes up.

    But there are people out there that consider this movie superior to the first one. I think these people also try to eat their own hand on a daily basis though, because that’s insane.

    As for the remake, my whole beef is the look of Freddy. I don’t need him to look accurate, really. I really dug the Friday remake, although a lot of horror fans didn’t. I think this will be too polished, and the grit and grime just isn’t going to be there. Also, Freddy always seems to suck when not in the hands of Wes Craven. But the plus side is, the acting will be a lot better, and I won’t have to deal with “Mommy killed him” anymore.

  3. I’ve only seen 1 and 3. 1 is brilliant, Johnny Depp’s death was fantastic I was majorly stoned during 3 though, so I don’t really remember details, though I guess I liked it.

  4. As often as I’ve been stoned in my life, it’s remarkable that I’ve never been stoned during a Nightmare film. They seem like something perfect to be stoned during.

    Damn me wasting all my stoned time on video games and Chappelle’s Show.

  5. Yeah, I probably need to re-watch my VHS of part 2. I probably just accepted all the glammy gayness as being “80s” in all my youthful naivete, while i’m sure I’d notice it immediately if I watched it today. Hell, maybe I’ll watch it stoned, as that sounds like a great idea…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: