The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Radiers of the Ark That You’ll Ever Need

As you know, I’m an admirer of manly men. Because, in part, I am a manly man, and enjoy seeing my species in action. Other than John McClane, no one is manlier than this man;

Indiana “Has Never Been A Virgin” Jones

His whole body is a 5 O’Clock shadow, hell, even his whip grows a 5 O’clock.

He flies around the world, punching Nazis right in their colons, thwarting Voodoo Priests, smashing a ton of box, shooting people, and getting to rock supernatural artifacts all while NEVER having his hat fall off his head. Now that’s manly.

True story on how I saw this for the first time. I ordered anabolic steroids from Mexico, and they just sent me this. Next week I was 10lbs heavier with muscle. Mostly all in the groin. Awesome.

Indiana Jones is a salute, an ode to the old Saturday Morning serials that you’d see at the theaters on a weekly basis. Swashbuckling adventures, with cliff-hangers galore. Spielberg wanted to direct a globe trotting adventure, a James Bond esq type of action movie, and all the while Lucas had the idea of Indiana Jones swimming around in his head. He stated that he’d just wanted to make the movie because it’s a movie he wanted to see. Thus, on the beach of some where in Hawaii, Indiana Jones, originally named Indiana Smith, was born.

Raiders of the Lost Ark
June 12th, 1981

Raiders of the Lost Ark is a hardcore fucking classic. Easily one of the greatest, most imitated, as well as parodied movies of all time. Hell, people who have never seen an Indiana Jones movie [vegetarians, I’d assume] could tell you about the opening to this one. With Indy combing the jungles of South America in search of an idol with Dr. Octopus. Easily one of the most famous and recognizable scenes in the history of the talking pictures. The traps, the boulder chasing Indy, and the natives running after our hero as he dives for the seaplane.

It isn’t my favorite of the Indy series, you’ll soon find out which is, but I can tell you there isn’t much out there that’s better. Few movies are able to combine humor, action, mystery, and the paranormal like these movies can. It’s a movie that any age, gender, or race can enjoy. Well, except for vegetarians, they’re too busy crying and wearing leather to acknowledge, or be able to handle something this great.

The premise of the movie is that Indiana has been sought out by the Government to prevent Adolf Hitler and the 3rd Reich from obtaining the Ark of the Covenant. As it is, any army who walks with the Covenant in front of them will whoop the shit out of those who try and step. So, they go to the man with the master plan, the dude who once grew a 6ft boner because 5ft is for vegans.

The Nazis always serve as the perfect villain, because, well, do I need to explain? They’re the absolute most idiotic scum of the Earth, and watching Indy pounce and whoop the shit out of them is great no matter how many times you see it.

Car chases, shoot outs, fist fights, people getting their faces melted right the fuck off. Other than maybe a couple boobies, you couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s a perfect movie.

I can do that with my junk, it's pretty awesome. Most girls are stupid and get freaked out by it. Dumbasses.

Originally they wanted Tom Selleck, however he was committed to Magnum P.I., and couldn’t make the magic happen. Lucas wasn’t down with Harrison at first, because he was already identified as Han Solo. I’m sure Lucas was shocked to find out that actors sometimes play more than one role. It’s a crazy business.

The part where Indy shoots the swordsman, was originally suppose to be quite the battle. However, Harrison had a gnarmo case of diarrhea, and probably would have blasted his khakis all the way to Kali the second he ducked a swing of the blade. So, they opted that he just shoot him, and turned it into one of the most memorable scenes.

So, just in case there is any doubt, let’s run down the check list;

Nazis getting their colons stompedCheck
People getting rows of booby-trap spikes in the faceCheck
Dude with an eye patchCheck
Nazi monkey eating poison datesCheck
Guy having his face meltedCheck

So, basically everything you’d ever want in a movie.

In the next couple days I’ll post my awesome reviews of the other mantastic adventures of Indy, and give you, the hustlers, my rankings. Dig it.

5 out of 5 Buff Nazis Going Into An Airplane Propeller


~ by Caliber Winfield on February 13, 2010.

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