The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom That You’ll Ever Need
In 1981, the world of sissy movies got a punch to the throat, and a knee to the gut. Courtesy of Indiana Jones.
Having decided previously that this would be a trilogy, they decided to take it back for the 2nd, thus a prequel. That way, they didn’t have to have Nazis as the bad guys again, and didn’t have to continue the relationship of Marion and all that like. Also, Lucas wanted to make this one the darker of the three, as he’d done with Empire Strikes Back. That may have worked for Empire at the time, but it wasn’t so for Indy. There was a huge backlash against the movie, due to it’s darkness, and violence. This, along with another Spielberg movie, Gremlins, are responsible for the PG-13 rating we now know. Hell, even the writer of Raiders, Lawrence Kasdan turned down the project, having stated;
“I didn’t want to be associated with Temple of Doom, I just thought it was horrible. It’s so mean. There’s nothing pleasant about it. I think Temple of Doom represents a chaotic period in both their [Lucas and Spielberg] lives, and the movie is very ugly and mean-spirited”
Hell, even Spielberg has spoke out against it. I have no idea why everyone is being such a pussy about it. Everyone seems to think that most Indy fans hate it, but from what I’ve found, it’s very well loved, as it should be. It really isn’t that dark. It’s fucking dark for maybe, oh, 20 minutes or so.
This is actually the first Indiana Jones movie I watched. Some how, these celluloid-BJs eluded me for my entire youth, and I hadn’t seen any of them until I was about 22. I couldn’t find Raiders at the store, so I copped Temple of Doom. The first 15 minutes or so set a president that still stands, and probably will forever – hands down, the most exciting beginning to a movie, EVER. Except for maybe Where The Boys Aren’t 12, but Indy killing a dude with a shish kabob is fucking awesome.
I remember thinking, as I watched him scramble for the antidote, that I now understood the big deal about these movies.
For those who don’t know [and you must be a vegetarian, since only a sissy boy doesn’t know Temple], Indy, his pal Short Round [Data, from The Goonies], and a singer named Willie end up in a tiny village, located in India. Before they arrived, the village had seen some dark days. Their children had been kidnapped by a cult thought to have been all but long-gone, and a sacred stone that bestowed the village with bountiful crops, and a full water reserve, was stolen. The village prayed for help, and booya, motherfucker, they got the man.
Indy and the gang go on to investigate and find, that in fact, the cult, known as The Thugee’s, is alive and thriving. They are witness to a human sacrifice, in which the man has his heart removed from his chest, and continues living as they lower him into a lava pit.
Soon, the house clears and Indy heads to retrieve the stone. Well, as always, things didn’t go as planned and the gang is captured. Short Round is put to work, Willie is to be the next sacrifice, and Indy has been turned into a slave/zombie after being forced to drink the blood of Kali. It also turned him into a horrible wrestler [thank you, thank you]. Before he could kill Willie, Short broke free and struck Indy with a torch, the fire then broke the spell he was in. This right here is where the movie really picks up. Seriously, no shit.
The last 30-45 minutes of this movie is beyond description. It’s easily some of the greatest action to ever be seen. As far as all the Indy movies go, it’s the most thrilling stretch of them all. From the awesome brawling, to the mine cart chase, mountain climbing, dodging a flood, cutting a rope bridge, it never lets up. It’s like when you’re talking to a chick, and she finally shuts up, and you get to hear yourself talk, and get to once again realize how awesome, smart, and funny you are. So, you then tell the chick to go fuck herself, as you go get a burger, and tell yourself awesome jokes.
I don’t know why, but women who are actually cool enough to have seen the Indy movies all say that Temple is their favorite. It’s probably because of the obvious sex symbol:
Look at that bad-ass! You know the chicks are all over him. He probably fucks with’em all the time, too. Like, when they’re making out, he starts going for 2nd base, then as he’s in the middle of grabbin’ some boobie he starts to take out her heart just to freak her out. And because he obviously gets so much tail, you know he’s got a kid or two running around, and because he’s such a babe-magnet, he isn’t married, thus he’s a weekend parent. The kid would never want to go to dads, because all he lets him do is chip rocks or stab voodoo dolls. Not to mention when he drops him off at school he doesn’t take off his giant cow-skull hat. So, needless to say, he’s an uber bad-ass and helps make this film kick as much ass as it does.
In fact, he’s so rad, that sometimes he doesn’t even need to sacrifice a body at all, he can just sacrifice his boner and the God named Kali is super-alright with it. He just thinks of a girl with an ass like Kim Kardashian, but not her, just her backside, and starts to rock a boner. Then, he thinks of any girl from The Jersey Shore, and his boner dies a horrible, horrible death.
Again, this is one of the greatest action movies ever. Hell, it’s one of the greatest movies period. Much like it’s bigger brother, Raiders. The begging itself will never be topped, and the mine cart chase is one of the greatest chases of all time.
Short Round was discovered when he accompanied his brother to the audition, and the casting agent noticed him telling his brother what to do, and what not to do during his audition. That and I’m sure the James Bond theme coming from his boom box caught their ear.
The bridge scene was filmed on three different continents. The bridge as a whole, was built in Sir Lanka. When it’s collapsed, that was filmed in Elstree Studios in London. Finally, the alligators were filmed in Florida. Also, Spielberg is afraid of heights, so he could never cross the bridge. He had to drive a mile and a half every time he wanted to be on the other side. I assume being worth 3 billion dollars can afford you that kind of time wasting.
Since I’m damn sure if you’re reading my site, than you’re cool enough to have seen the Indy movies. In such case, if you haven’t seen Temple of Doom in the last 24 hours, then see to you it that you view it again, now.
5 out of 5 “No Time For Love, Dr Jones!”