The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom That You’ll Ever Need

In 1981, the world of sissy movies got a punch to the throat, and a knee to the gut. Courtesy of Indiana Jones.

Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom
May 23rd, 1984

Having decided previously that this would be a trilogy, they decided to take it back for the 2nd, thus a prequel. That way, they didn’t have to have Nazis as the bad guys again, and didn’t have to continue the relationship of Marion and all that like. Also, Lucas wanted to make this one the darker of the three, as he’d done with Empire Strikes Back. That may have worked for Empire at the time, but it wasn’t so for Indy. There was a huge backlash against the movie, due to it’s darkness, and violence. This, along with another Spielberg movie, Gremlins, are responsible for the PG-13 rating we now know. Hell, even the writer of Raiders, Lawrence Kasdan turned down the project, having stated;

“I didn’t want to be associated with Temple of Doom, I just thought it was horrible. It’s so mean. There’s nothing pleasant about it. I think Temple of Doom represents a chaotic period in both their [Lucas and Spielberg] lives, and the movie is very ugly and mean-spirited”

Hell, even Spielberg has spoke out against it. I have no idea why everyone is being such a pussy about it. Everyone seems to think that most Indy fans hate it, but from what I’ve found, it’s very well loved, as it should be. It really isn’t that dark. It’s fucking dark for maybe, oh, 20 minutes or so.

This is actually the first Indiana Jones movie I watched. Some how, these celluloid-BJs eluded me for my entire youth, and I hadn’t seen any of them until I was about 22. I couldn’t find Raiders at the store, so I copped Temple of Doom. The first 15 minutes or so set a president that still stands, and probably will forever – hands down, the most exciting beginning to a movie, EVER. Except for maybe Where The Boys Aren’t 12, but Indy killing a dude with a shish kabob is fucking awesome.

I remember thinking, as I watched him scramble for the antidote, that I now understood the big deal about these movies.

For those who don’t know [and you must be a vegetarian, since only a sissy boy doesn’t know Temple], Indy, his pal Short Round [Data, from The Goonies], and a singer named Willie end up in a tiny village, located in India. Before they arrived, the village had seen some dark days. Their children had been kidnapped by a cult thought to have been all but long-gone, and a sacred stone that bestowed the village with bountiful crops, and a full water reserve, was stolen. The village prayed for help, and booya, motherfucker, they got the man.

Indy and the gang go on to investigate and find, that in fact, the cult, known as The Thugee’s, is alive and thriving. They are witness to a human sacrifice, in which the man has his heart removed from his chest, and continues living as they lower him into a lava pit.

Soon, the house clears and Indy heads to retrieve the stone. Well, as always, things didn’t go as planned and the gang is captured. Short Round is put to work, Willie is to be the next sacrifice, and Indy has been turned into a slave/zombie after being forced to drink the blood of Kali. It also turned him into a horrible wrestler [thank you, thank you]. Before he could kill Willie, Short broke free and struck Indy with a torch, the fire then broke the spell he was in. This right here is where the movie really picks up. Seriously, no shit.

The last 30-45 minutes of this movie is beyond description. It’s easily some of the greatest action to ever be seen. As far as all the Indy movies go, it’s the most thrilling stretch of them all. From the awesome brawling, to the mine cart chase, mountain climbing, dodging a flood, cutting a rope bridge, it never lets up. It’s like when you’re talking to a chick, and she finally shuts up, and you get to hear yourself talk, and get to once again realize how awesome, smart, and funny you are. So, you then tell the chick to go fuck herself, as you go get a burger, and tell yourself awesome jokes.

I don’t know why, but women who are actually cool enough to have seen the Indy movies all say that Temple is their favorite. It’s probably because of the obvious sex symbol:

Look at that bad-ass! You know the chicks are all over him. He probably fucks with’em all the time, too. Like, when they’re making out, he starts going for 2nd base, then as he’s in the middle of grabbin’ some boobie  he starts to take out her heart just to freak her out. And because he obviously gets so much tail, you know he’s got a kid or two running around, and because he’s such a babe-magnet, he isn’t married, thus he’s a weekend parent. The kid would never want to go to dads, because all he lets him do is chip rocks or stab voodoo dolls. Not to mention when he drops him off at school he doesn’t take off his giant cow-skull hat. So, needless to say, he’s an uber bad-ass and helps make this film kick as much ass as it does.

In fact, he’s so rad, that sometimes he doesn’t even need to sacrifice a body at all, he can just sacrifice his boner and the God named Kali is super-alright with it. He just thinks of a girl with an ass like Kim Kardashian, but not her, just her backside, and starts to rock a boner. Then, he thinks of any girl from The Jersey Shore, and his boner dies a horrible, horrible death.

Again, this is one of the greatest action movies ever. Hell, it’s one of the greatest movies period. Much like it’s bigger brother, Raiders. The begging itself will never be topped, and the mine cart chase is one of the greatest chases of all time.

Short Round was discovered when he accompanied his brother to the audition, and the casting agent noticed him telling his brother what to do, and what not to do during his audition. That and I’m sure the James Bond theme coming from his boom box caught their ear.

The bridge scene was filmed on three different continents. The bridge as a whole, was built in Sir Lanka. When it’s collapsed, that was filmed in Elstree Studios in London. Finally, the alligators were filmed in Florida. Also, Spielberg is afraid of heights, so he could never cross the bridge. He had to drive a mile and a half every time he wanted to be on the other side. I assume being worth 3 billion dollars can afford you that kind of time wasting.

Since I’m damn sure if you’re reading my site, than you’re cool enough to have seen the Indy movies. In such case, if you haven’t seen Temple of Doom in the last 24 hours, then see to you it that you view it again, now.

5 out of 5 “No Time For Love, Dr Jones!”

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~ by Caliber Winfield on February 14, 2010.

3 Responses to “The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom That You’ll Ever Need”

  1. I’m with you. It’s bullshit that Temple of Doom gets slated. I have it third in my Indy rankings, but it’s still damn tight. Plus the dark sequence with Zombie Indy is awesome. After I saw this the last time, I regularly used to go into a trance, chant Mudabar Shudabar and grab my woman’s tits as if I was gonna rip out her heart. Great film.

    The main thing about Indiana Jones films (and 80s films as a whole, like Ghostbusters) is that they are so tightly plotted and cut that they feel epic even though they’re just under 2 hours long. Modern films feel like they have to be like 2 hours 30, even 3 hours long, then they fill them with so much crap. Back when, these guys never used to waste any time in their films. The story keeps moving, so even though you’re waiting for the next action scene, it never drags. Nowadays, films are too effing long. Look at the Dark Knight ffs. At least half an hour too long.

    No modern blockbuster film has as much good shit in it as Raiders, yet some are like an hour longer.

  2. Speak, brother, speak.

    You hit the nail RIGHT on the head with Dark Knight. They could have chopped off the last half n hour, 45 minutes and I would have been cool. That whole Batman/Radar shit was so lame, same with the boat sequence. Same with Batman Begins, something I never really liked to begin with. I get it, he’s close with his dad, I don’t need to see him blowing him every 10 minutes.

    80’s movies were the fucking best. Take Cobra for instance, Stallone is just a bad-ass cop. We don’t need a bunch of flashbacks about how his parents said he’d never make it, or how he flunked out of the academy.

    I’ve never thought of using the Thugee zombie trance as a way to cop a feel, you brilliant bastard.

  3. Dark Knight definitely rambled on far too long, and sadly I never quite got what the big deal was at all. The first one was better.

    I also don’t understand how people could not have loved this badass movie. I can’t decide if I like this one or Last Crusade the best, but I’m pretty sure if I watched them both right now, Temple of Doom would far and away win. Just watching that clip makes me want to go sacrifice a large animal, cook and eat all the meat, and go deadlift weights for about 3 hours.

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