The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade That You’ll Ever Need

In ’81, people thought it couldn’t get any better than Raiders of the Lost Ark, but in ’89, motherfuckers got shut down…

Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade
May 24th, 1989


Last we left Dr. Jones, he was giving powerbombs to members of the Thugee cult, as well as ripping your face off with sheer adventure. Now, we flash forward to 5 years and it’s 1939, the Nazi 3rd Reich is amounting power in Europe. While having gone on uber quests for religious artifacts, they find that someone other than Hitler, is looking for the Holy Grail. The lead researcher, Dr. Henry Jones, has been kidnapped, in an attempt to gain his knowledge towards the location of the Grail. Well, there’s one super bad-ass who isn’t going to take kindly to that.

But, he hitch-hikes a lot, and couldn’t be found. Besides, whenever he fights, it’s always in slow-motion, and that sucks. So, it’s time to go to your blood. It’s time you go to a man who KNOWS, I mean KNOWS that NOT punching people around the clock is for assholes who use songs as ring-tones because of their extremely desperate attempt to seem hip.

Dr. Henry Jones, JR.
A Nazi couldn’t find a bowl of Wheaties that was piss free for at least a 30 mile radius when Indiana Jones was on the motherfucking loose.

The Last Crusade is without a doubt my favorite Indiana Jones movie. Not only that, it’s one of the greatest action movies, nay, one of the greatest movies ever fucking made.

I’ve always been obsessed with the idea of the Holy Grail, so the fact they went after it just made my day. I loved the fact that the Nazis were brought back, because in 1936, they’d only been active for 3 years. By 1939, they were in full power, so they were a true force to be reckoned with. Bringing in Indy’s father was just awesome. You’d think with it being Sean Connery, he’d be some sort of bad-ass, but he was just the opposite, well, in the common sense. He was a bad-ass in that he was extremely intelligent, and an old world Gentleman, but he was nothing like Indy. Not a globe-trotting ass-kicker who smashed any box he felt need. So, it was a great dynamic, especially in that Indy truly feared, and respected his father. The quest for the Grail was not just the object, but a quest to bring the estranged father and son together.

We also learn that Indiana is actually named Henry Jones, JR. Indiana was in fact the name of the dog, and Indy happened to love that dog, as well as the name.

The girl in this one, Dr. Elsa Schneider was easily the hottest. I’m usually not attracted to the thin, blonde type, but she had a sophistication about her.The whole Nazi thing is a bump in the road, no doubt, but she’s hung with Indy and his father, so, I could look past it.

Personally, I think the action in this one surpasses Raiders. You had the flaming tomb, the awesome boat chase, the fight in the castle, the castle catching fire, the awesome motorcycle chase, the airplane fights, then once they got on the ground, and the tank. I mean, just a whole mess of awesome bad-assness.

Then, we had the three tests that one must past in order to reach the Grail, and shit like that is EXACTLY why I love Indy. Not to mention what happened once they got to the Grail, and you had to choose. The true cup of Christ, will bring you life, the one that is incorrect, will take it. For the sake of how much it fucking rules, let’s take a look at what happens when Donovan choose…poorly. Obviously, a spoiler is in this video.

Hell to the yes, son. Where else are you going to find something bad-assed like that? Not in the Matrix. Not in Twilight. Only in the land where you pay for things in steak, and a punch is the new hello. Indiana Jones land.

My only gripe for this movie, is the opening. Indiana Jones’ movies are known across the world for having the most bad-assed movie intros in f’ning history. When I watched Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theaters, the beginning was so fucking awesome and manly that I looked around and most dudes were crying, because they just couldn’t handle it. I didn’t let any women in, because I didn’t want to hear about how Indiana Jones looks kinda like Han Solo. So, all the females who tried to get in had to arm wrestle me. If they won, they could be let in, if not, they got a spin-kick to the ovaries. If they won, however, they got a spin-kick to the ovaries. No woman won, because they’re female. And because I threw powder in their eyes just like Chong-Li did in Bloodsport. I am awesome.

So, whenever I fire up The Last Crusade, I just skip the beginning.

I don’t want to flat out say that if you prefer another Indiana Jones over this one that you’re wrong, but, you would be.

Now follow Marcus Brody, he knows the way.

5 out of 5 “No tickets”

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~ by Caliber Winfield on February 16, 2010.

2 Responses to “The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade That You’ll Ever Need”

  1. This is the best one. But I disagree about the opening actually. River Phoenix jumping into shitloads of snakes is pretty cool.

    You missed out on seeing this one as a kid in my opinion. It was like you saw Roger Rabbit, and that was the best film ever. And then you saw Indy, and that was the best film ever. And then you saw Jurassic Park, and that was the best film ever. Even Robin Hood Prince of Thieves looks like the best film ever when you’re a kid in the cinema.

    I’m interested to find out what you made of Crystal Skull.

  2. I shouldn’t say it’s bad, just compared to the rest, well, it doesn’t compare.

    When I was a kid, it was like, oh, American Ninja is the best movie ever. Now Revenge of the Ninja is the best ever. Now American Ninja 2. Now Ninja Turtles, now 3 Ninjas. I was obsessed with ninjas as a child.

    I did see Prince of Thieves in the theaters though. Actually, the morning of that day, I saw my first porn. My dad had rented it the night before, and I had a friend spend the night. The next morning we were just mobbing in the kitchen and I saw a VHS on top of the fridge. The movie was called The Butler Did It. No joke. To this day, I still remember the beginning scene of Butler, and I swear to God, couldn’t tell you one fucking thing about Robin Hood.

    Expect my review of Crystal on Friday morning. After that, I’m going to rant and rave about how everyone is INSANE for thinking Terminator 2 is anywhere near the league of Terminator 3. T3 blows that shit out of the water.

    Oh, saw Hook in theaters. That was crazy good.

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