The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull That You’ll Ever Need

Almost 20 years we had to wait for a new Indiana Jones movie. One of the greatest movie franchises in history, which was thought to have had a book end, was going to get itself a new chapter.

Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
May 22nd, 2008

And that new chapter…


I get so pissed off when I hear some fat nerd without an ounce of wit, talent, or ability to burn a calorie try and bash this movie, when they couldn’t make a movie 1/1000th as good.

What is to hate about this movie?! It’s fucking incredible.

The beginning is one of Indy’s best, and a true star to an Indiana Jones style adventure. He’s running, ducking and dodging a ton of Russki bullets, swinging into trucks and hi-jacking them, having an awesome brawl with a commie, then in one of the most brilliant, and awesome movie moments; Indy survives the atomic bomb blast by hiding in a lead-lined fridge.

Hell yes! These poc-marked wanks who buy Halo helmets made a fucking fuss about this. Why? It’s fucking rad, and a total Indiana Jones style moment. My original quam was that fridges back in the day would lock itself from the inside, or, at least you couldn’t open it from the inside. But, when it gets sent that far and crashes so hard, it could have snapped made the door easy to open. I’ve done a ton of research, and although it’s a 1 in a million chance, almost like every thing Indy does, it is fucking possible. I never hear people scoff at Indy, Willie, and Short Round surviving a fall from an airplane by inflating a raft, then go sliding down a hill and survive a 50.000ft drop off a cliff and just land in the water with the ease of head-butting a girl who doesn’t have dinner ready. Head-butting with the car, that is.

It’s what Indy does, you stupid motherfuckers. He always survives by the skin of teeth, and it’s why we dig that bad motherfucker so much.

So much great action in this movie. The chase scene with Mutt and the commies, the grave-yard fight, the incredible jungle chase, sword fights and the like. Fuck the no talent hacks who do nothing but just dog on things because they think it makes them hip, and out in the left field. Shit, these pussies act like George Lucas broke up with them or something.

Although I must agree with everyone on the whole Mac situation. Man, that was just stupid. I mean, Indy’s in his 60’s & has a shit ton of experience. He’s a brilliant motherfucker who’s been around the block a time or two. So, he sure as shit wouldn’t trust Mac again. No way, no  how. I also could have done without Mutt swinging around like Tarzan, but oh well.

They played well on Indy’s age I thought, and he’s such a bad-ass he looked like a steak that lifted weights. Yeah, dig that.

I really can’t say enough about this film, it’s so bad-ass and right on. I just wish that they had actually focused on the real crystal skulls, as opposed to working with an inter-dimensional. Which, by the way, was awesome. Because the 50’s was all about the future, the atomic age, and creatures from space. Every where you looked, that’s what was going on. So it’s only fit that this is what the subject mater for Indy is. Anyways, a bit of a history lesson.

The Mitchell Hedges Skull

The most well known Crystal Skull is one found by famed explorer Mitchell Hedges. It was said to have been found by his daughter in 1924, while they were digging through the rubble of a newly discovered Mayan ruin, known as Lubaantun. It’s an object that has been dated as old as 12,000 years. It’s almost the exact size of a human skull, and has been carved from a single piece of quartz. Mystery envelopes the skull, as even today, this skull could not be replicated. So, how they did it back then, is unimaginable. One scientist has been quoted as saying it shouldn’t even exist. There are no scratch marks, or anything that even indicate it was carved. So, there is thought given to the fact that aliens may have delivered this bad boy. It was used by High Priest in ceremonies, and even things as dark as to will death.  Which, is pretty rad. I mean, think about it. You walk up to someone with a tire iron and tell’em

“Hey, I gotta bash your head in”
“Why? Why on Earth do you have to do that?”
“This Crystal Skull has willed it”

Until her death in 2007, Anna [the daughter] would tour with it and rock pay per views. There are strong belief in that this thing can cure alignments up to, and including cancer. Also claim to have seen images in the skull, depicting the future. It’s one bad-ass skull, man.

The skull from Indy bares no resemblance to the ones we’re most common with, plus these suckers are extremely magnetic. There’s some similarities between these and the others. Legend has it that when the Earth needs them the most, all 13 skulls will be found, and do whatever it is, that they do. In Indy, once they reunite all 13 skulls together, you are rewarded with something. So, I dug that they kept those things together.

It’s an awesome, awesome movie that I find it just as exciting as the original trilogy. It’s exactly what it’s suppose to be, a fun fucking movie that’s awesome like a boner in silk boxers. Not that I’ve ever worn silk, it’s what I heard. My boxers are made of chain-mail, so dig on that.

5 out 5 “I like Ike”

In closing, I’ll say that the Indiana Jones movies are some of my absolute favorites. Every picture has been done brilliantly with it’s own style. An incredible blend of humor, action, drama, and some say fantasy, but I don’t buy that, because to be honest, I believe in just about anything paranormal. They’re fantastic odes to the B-movie and cliff-hanger serials from back in the day, in which we get an awesome hero, who busts skulls, smashes box, never shaves, and is out for a little taste of fortune and glory.

Since we’re at the end of the reviews, drop me a comment and tell me what order you place the films in. Although I place The Last Crusade as my favorite, I really can’t say that out of the other 3, one is better than the other. So, I’ll be cheap and corny and say that Raiders, Doom, and Crystal all tie for 2nd place.

You’re gonna get killed chasing after your damn fortune and glory!

Maybe, but not today….


~ by Caliber Winfield on February 20, 2010.

One Response to “The Only Review of Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull That You’ll Ever Need”

  1. It felt too long and not tight enough to me (that’s all I ever say about films nowadays). But I agree with you that it was pretty entertaining. My missus bought it on DVD, I wished I’d watched it in the cinema. Might watch it again now.

    The opening was indeed excellent, up to the standards of the original trilogy. The jeep chase or whatever was pretty cool, and the ants were heavy. I don’t remember much else though.

    That guy being disloyal twice was shitty though.

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