Top 5 Most Bad-Ass Video Game Characters

I think it’s rather official that your boy is the leading expert on all things burly. Ranging from things such as movies, TV, activities, food, and now video games. From it’s early inception, video games have been geared towards men. If women were meant to play video games, they’d have a penis. Heck, if women were good at anything that even remotely mattered, they’d have a penis.

Anyways, let’s get down to business, kids. Playing video games is one of the burliest things a guy can do. So long as the game kicks ass, and he doesn’t turn into a fucking Halo nerd or something. Also, RPGS don’t count, unless it’s Final Fantasy 7, or Mario RPG. WarCraft, is not mantastic.

The only real guideline I have, is that the character must have been born from the video game. Movie/comic book/TV adaptations don’t count, otherwise The Punisher would own each slot. So, it must be an organic character. Let’s get it crunk, gentlemen.

from Duke Nukem. Obviously.
[PC, every next-gen console]

If Bruce Campbell were a video game character, he’d be Duke. A catchphrase spouting bad-ass who suplexes the fuck out of alien bastards. Why? Because they shot down his ride. Also because people ask him why he suplexes the fuck out of alien bastards. Does he even need a reason? Hell no. He saves chicks, watches porn, and kicks alien war-lords heads through goal posts. He’s probably the only video game character with balls big enough to use as a bolo, and with hair that you could set your watch to.

As for the game, I’ve only played the original, but goddamn is it a lot of fun. Created during the mega-boom of FPS [first person shooters], it was very similar in fashion to Doom, except this time the protagonist has a personality. There was swearing,  boobies, guns, aliens getting their colons turned inside out, and allowed intermissions for me to eat steaks, and do bicep curls with my flame thrower. Awesome shit.

from Resident Evil 1 & Resident Evil Gaiden
[PS1, GameCube, GameBoy]

Sure, there are better Resident Evil titles than the original masterpiece on PS1, but it remains the greatest video game of all time in my mind. Awesome story, characters, plot twists, and zombies getting their heads blown to pieces. Everything from weddings, graduations, to breakfast would be improved 10 fold if there were zombies getting their heads blown to shit.
The reason that Barry trumps the other characters is for a variety of reasons. He’s got a burly voice, a beard, he’s stacked with muscle and has a gun bigger than most people’s car. But not my car, because I had my car designed to look like his gun. Dig it.

Barry just runs around, pile-driving giant snakes, spiders, and sharks. He saves countless lives, and to repay him they have to stack zombies on his back while he does one-arm push-ups. They mention that him working out is a bit of a waste of time, but all that gets them is him adding more sit-ups while holding a Cerberus.

Really, Barry’s crowning moment is the awesome voice acting in the beginning of RE1. Let’s peep the scene…

from the Castlevania series
[every system ever]

Do I really need to give reasons? He’s got fuzzy boots, a whip, and he doesn’t need John Kreese to tell him when to sweep the leg.

Vampire hunters have always been the utmost bad-ass. Stomping around castles, and graveyards, swinging from chandeliers before hanging a vile of blood in front of their junk so the vampire looks, and then the slayer can rag on him for staring at his package. Oooh snaps. Belmont and his clan have been kicking monster ass since before the advent of slayer-steroids, when Simon use to look like this;

from Bad Dudes
[arcade, NES]

With some bad-asses, you just know. You can tell by their actions, or statements that they’re the type to head-butt a motherfucker instead of asking to pass the salt. But, in some cases, you know because they tell you. Just like Blade & Striker. Whenever you’d finish a level, they’d flex their muscles and scream “I’M BAD!!”. You’re fucking right.

Bad Dudes is one of the greatest beat’em up games of all time. You’re running through the cities, beating the fuck out of ninjas, jumping from semi-truck to semi-truck, brawling motherfuckers with claws and swords. All the while you’re clad in a tank-top and sweats. Nothing says an elbow to your jaw like a pair of sweats.

It was the 80’s, back when shit was simple, man. You didn’t need an intricate plot to get things by, you took two seconds, threw in some ninjas or terrorists, and tadow. Hell, check out the plot-line to Bad Dudes, took one screen to deliver it. Also, strangely enough, it was delivered by Duke Nuke’Em.

Look at that. No bullshit back story, no motive. The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Why? Because they’re ninjas! It’s what they do, man.

Now, normally, there’d be a lot of sissy ass bureaucrat red tape that would prevent the only qualifying matter of rescuing the president being if you’re a bad enough dude. Most people would need training, or be part of the FBI, or CIA, or something stupid. Nuts to that.

from Final Fight
[arcade, SNES, GBA, PS2 X-Box]

If you’ve never played Final Fight, then you’re not even reading this. Because something like Final Fight would prepare you for the maniness that is my website. Basically, if you were some little bitch in Ed Hardy jeans, who just got done watching The Jersey Shore, and was shown my website, your cock would explode, then your head, and testosterone would pretty much be all that’s left. Man, that’d be awesome.

Anyways. Final Fight is the epitome of the beat’em up games. It’s in the spirit of Double Dragon, in that a gang kidnaps the girlfriend of the good guy. However this time, the girl is also the daughter of ex-pro wrestler and current Mayor of Metro City, he isn’t digging this whole kidnap bullshit. So, he rips off his shirt, and wears one suspender criss-cross style like Andre The Giant. Before you know it, you’re driving along in your car, and you see the Mayor of your city giving jumping pile-drivers to gang members, as well as beating them to death with a pipe, and eating hunks of roast beef he finds in fire barrels.

He’s got a bad-ass mustache, doesn’t negoiate, and doesn’t fuck around with crap like cops, obeying the law, and all sorts of other horseshit like that. He’s built like ED-209, and his daughter is stacked.

End of discussion.


~ by Caliber Winfield on February 23, 2010.

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