Top 5 Baddest Bad Guys

How you kids living? I know you were probably sitting around wondering just what the Top 5 Baddest Bad Guys of all time were, and so you brought your asses here to find out.

I had to slave over my manly brain for hours. At one point stopping to yell obscenities and racial epithets at some neighbors who were trying to have a family BBQ. As any smart person knows, a family is only good for the sake of having them die so you can go on an awesome revenge spree. The Grandfather tried to come up and talk to me, so I busted his fake leg, and beat his wife at Golden Girls trivia. I then ganked his Viagra bottle, took about 3, and spent the rest of their outdoor BBQ on my railing, naked with a massive boner. It was the best.

But anyways, as I laid there, I had time to come up with what I thought were the Top 5 Baddest Bad Guys of all time. Let’s dig it…

5. The T-1000 Terminator
From: Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Reasons Why He’s #5: Murder. Relentless pursuit. Constant scowl. No problem killing children.

Even though T2 is the worst of the series [we’ll get into that in a later article], there is no denying that the T-1000, a liquid metal terminator is a superior bad-ass. He’s able to clone people, take any form of punishment, and form his body into knives and other stabbing objects. He, like any true man, always rocks a bad-ass scowl and is on a never stop quest to kill an extremely annoying child. Fuck, who isn’t?

Best Example of Bad Assery:

Probably the only cool thing a chick has ever done. But then again, it’s actually a man, so, it makes sense.

4. Tong Po
From: Kickboxer 1, 2, & 4
Reasons Why He’s #4: Muay Thai. Poor sport. Licks glass. Rape is a hobby.

The first time we ever see Tong Po on film he’s getting ready for a fight by kicking the shit out of a pillar, and is causing plaster to fall from the ceiling. That said fight, he paralyzes his opponent, and rips his world title belt in half. Naturally, that guys brother wants to fight Tong Po. So, in order to get ready for the fight, Tong Po does some raping, then insists they fight the old way, fists wrapped in hemp, oil, then shards of glass. That’s exactly how my children will decide who gets to eat dinner every night.

Tong Po is an uber poor sport. He loses the fight, so he shoots both brothers. Then he wants to fight the 3rd brother, and lures him out by killing his best student. Shockingly he rapes no in this movie. In the 4th, Tong Po has a little fort where he gets his rape on, and once again loses to a Sloan. Other than fighting a Sloan who’s trained for him, Tong Po is an ass beater with little to no mercy.

Best Example of Bad Assery:
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Pssh, check it out. That guy is so honored to get his ass whooped by Tong Po, he just lays there with a boner. Hell yeah.

3. The Emperor
From: Star Wars – Episode 3, 5, & 6
Reasons Why He’s #3: Genocide. Lying on a grand scale. Brain washing. Always wears black.

Do I really need to even go on about The Emperor? He’s the biggest bad-ass in the Star Wars universe. He brain washed Anakin into killing his wife, and almost his unborn children. Got him to turn on his best friend, and assist him in a mass genocide. He just mobs around, lying to everyone, murdering folk, has a cool voice, and shoots lighting. Hell, he almost beat Yoda, and that isn’t something that happens every day.

Best Example of Bad-Assery:

Man, Mace Windu was killed a lot.

2. Ivan Drago
From: Rocky IV
Reasons Why He’s #2: Steroids. Apathy. Legend killer. Liar.

Here’s the honest facts; Ivan Drago is 9ft tall, and weighs 600lbs. That is not me exaggerating. He’s a mega bad-ass from the Soviet, who wants everyone to stand in line for bread and not have any of that fancy crap most of the other world has, like freedom, and Motley Crue CDs.

Apollo Creed, who is a total egomaniac with his head stuck up his ass which is resting in his faded glory years, decides to take on his mountain of a man. It’s labeled as an exhibition bout, but Apollo secretly sees it as his comeback match. Drago, being an awesome possum, sees it as a reason to go over seas, take in some American culture, kill a man in the ring, see a broadway show.

In the 2nd round, Drago decides he’s had enough of not killing a man with his bare hands, and goes ahead and does so. Then, while waiting for the pizza he ordered, people ask him what he thinks about Apollo being all seizurely, and in probably the biggest, most ultimate bad-ass line from a bad guy he says;

“If he dies, he dies”

HELL YES! He hardly ever says anything, and when he does, it means some heavy shit. He shoots up on a ton of steroids and tells peeps he’s all natural. Lying kicks ass. He’s a brutal bad-ass that if he didn’t have to face Rocky, he would have gone on to be world champ forever.

Best Example of Bad-Assery:

Well, at least James Brown has an idea for a new song; Dying in America.

1. John Kreese
From: The Karate Kid pt 1, 2 & 3
Reason Why He’s #1: Fists. Racial epitaphs. Non-stop rage. Attacks old men. teenagers. students. cars.

When I was a wee lad, there was very little out there that was scarier than Sensi Kreese from The Karate Kid. He was a big, mean motherfucker that knew a shit ton of karate, and taught peeps to use it all the time, even something like crossing the street should turn into you giving some old bitch holding up traffic a swift side-kick to the dentures.

If you’ll notice from the pictures, John Kreese ALWAYS has his hands balled up into fists. Always. That’s what any true man should do. You really have no other use for your hands other than to hand out ass-kickings, or give your friend a bump because while channel surfing you come across Road House.

He teaches his students to kick everyone’s ass, for any good reason. Finally, a teacher with some fucking balls, man! I probably would have stayed in school if my English teacher began every class by making the students recite the mantra of “Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!”. I mean, how bad ass is that?

In the fight, Daniel gets hurt, and I’m sure any other sensi, who’s a wuss, would have realized this was just some local karate tournament, and it wasn’t life or death. Kreese is no bitch like that. So he makes sure Johnny aims right for the damaged knee. Hells yes. Then, when Johnny earns only 2nd place, what is Kreese suppose to do? Say ‘nice try’? Or ‘you’ll get’em next year’? Yeah, that’d get results. Kreese does what any rational, sane thinking man would do and breaks the kid’s statue, then chokes him the fuck out. Now of course everyone seems to have a problem with this, so Mr. Myagi breaks it up. Well, John doesn’t like people to stop him when he’s about to kill someone in plain sight. So, he releases stress like men do, and punches out a couple car windows. People think he was aiming for Myagi, but no.

In the third one, Kreese is pissed at Myagi and Daniel because they wouldn’t let his students bully the fuck out of Dan, and then not let Kreese kill one of those same students. Someone is always trying to piss in a man’s Wheaties. So, he fakes his death and gets an old friend to set up Daniel and lure him to the dark side. Real men don’t bother running their own lives, they take grudges to the grave, baby.

Best Example of Bad-Assery:

No joke, this scene scared me so badly as a child. It ranked even hire than when The Cobra Kai pushed Daniel down that hill in the first one. But this, this was so damn sinister. They were really cruel, and I think wanted to either kill or cripple Daniel. So, as a kid I put myself in his place and worried all to hell until Mr. Myagi rocked the save. But man, look at Kreese. Looking all crazy as hell, atta boy!

There you have it, kids. The Top 5 Baddest Bad Guys. Now your friends and family can quit hounding you about which you think are the top 5. That’s the joy of my website, it prevents you from having to think for yourself. Much like how everything is catered so women never have to think for themselves. Dig it.


~ by Caliber Winfield on February 28, 2010.

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