The Only Ranking Of The Rockys You’ll Ever Need

Man, there are very few franchises out there that are more kick-ass, more manly, & more inspirational than the Rocky series.

A fight between then World Champion Muhammad Ali and unknown Chuck Wepner. No one thought Wepner would go the distance, but he ended up going the full monty against Ali. Stallone thought this was an interesting story, and penned the script. After fighting to play the lead role, he landed it, and, the rest is history. Funny little tidbit, Stallone offered Chuck an upfront payment of $10,000, or 1% of the Rocky franchise. Chuck, not believing in himself obviously took the upfront payment. Now, he’s just a bitter old fuck who hangs out by the Rocky statue and tries to get people to take a pic with “The real Rocky”. But, enough about the hack. Let’s get down to the man..

So, here you are kids, you’ve been dying to know how your boy feels about the Rocky’s, so you can know what to feel about them. Let’s dig it…

6. Rocky II
June 15th, 1979

I know, it’s sheer blasphemy to not have Rocky V at the bottom, but I just can’t do it. Rocky II isn’t a bad movie, but I just can’t look at it in the same light as I do the others.

It bums me out to see Rock being so happy, only to find it fleeting. Getting made fun of at the commercial, having to work in a meet packing plant, selling his car. Which, I know is all there so we can really hope for him to win the big fight, but I still don’t dig it. I also don’t like the angle with Andrian, and the coma. The movie just drags for me at that point. Then, the fight itself is actually the worst of all the Rocky’s. You can see missed punches and such, and the ending, I don’t get it. There’s no way a ref would have called Rocky the winner, because he wasn’t exactly up by the ten count.

The movie isn’t a total loss however. It is awesome to see Rocky practically blinded by his own happiness, after living in the slums for so long. So, it’s nice to see him actually getting what he deserves. The training montages are of course awesome. It’s like part 1, but amped up. Apollo does a great job of being the champion bully, he plays it so damn well. Also, when Rocky wins the title, I cry every time he screams “Yo Adrian, I did it!”

2 Paulie’s Robot out of 5

5. Rocky V
November 16th, 1990

This is truly the black sheep of the series. Hell, even Stallone doesn’t acknowledge this film exists. Now, granted, it isn’t the best, but it’s seriously now that bad. It’s interesting to see Rocky go back to his roots, although the way they went about it was a bit hacked, but never the less.

I liked the angle of Rocky training a new fighter, and then in return that new fighter feeling he’s drowned in Rocky’s shadow and isn’t getting respect. The villain, George Duke, is fucking awesome. He’s loud, boisterous, and a total prick. He works every angle he can to get Rocky in the ring for the big pay day, obviously not caring about Rocky’s health. He finally gets his chance by getting into the head of Rocky’s protege, Tommy Gunn, and turning him against the man who brought him up.

The whole story with the son was something I could have done with out. I dunno, I just didn’t like Sage Stallone as an actor. He kind of had this whinny presence about him.

The gem of the movie is the street fight. It’s one of the best of the series, and just balls out entertainment. It’s also great to see him knock the fuck out of Duke.

Another high point, was the final appearance of Burgess Meredith. The speech that Rocky remembers Mickey giving him always makes me tear up. It’s easily the best speech Mick has ever given, and honestly, one of the best I’ve ever heard, period.

2 and a quarter Paulie’s Robot out of 5

4. Rocky III
May 28th, 1982

Now we’re getting into the cream of the crop. Honestly, from here on out, all the movies are 10 out of 10’s.

Rocky III is where the movies start to take a turn towards more of an action picture, than a drama. The movie is notable for introducing three major 80’s icons in that of Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, and the song Eye of the Tiger, by Survivor. The beginning fight against Thunderlips had nothing to do with the story, but it matters not for the simple fact it kicks fucking ass.

In this one, Rocky is at the top of his game. He’s world champ, he’s rich, and has everything he ever dreamed. However, this movie also reminds us that everything can change in the blink of an eye. In the span of about 10 minutes, Rocky losses the title, and then losses Mick.

All of this, culminated with the fact that Clubber Lang is one of the all time great bad-guys, Rocky losses his edge. He’s terrified of the now current heavyweight champ, and doesn’t think he has what it takes.

Enter Apollo. In an awesome move, story-line wise, the former enemies get together in order to get Rocky’s edge back, and reclaim the title. It’s awesome to see Rocky train in Apollo’s style, and get back to the grit and the grime.

I’d like to mention that this film also has one of the gayest scenes in history. When Rocky finally beats Apollo in the race on the beach, the jump in the water, laughing and hugging. They’re also wearing knee high socks, short shorts, and cut-up tank-tops. It’s seriously so homo-erotic, I can’t imagine they left it in, thinking it was manly.

The end fight is notable for having no time-lapse, and not going the full distance. It’s great to see Rocky dismantle Clubber, because of what a cock he is. The whole movie he’s loud, runs his mouth, and is responsible for Micky’s death. So, it’s one of the greater wins in the Rocky pantheon.

4 Paulie’s Robot out of 5

3. Rocky
December 3rd, 1976

What is there to say about Rocky that hasn’t been said?

Hands down the most inspiration movie of all time. Packed with some of the all time greatest characters in cinema in that of Rocky, Apollo Creed, and Mickey. I’ll also venture to say Paulie, but to be honest, I don’t like him very much in this one. He’s a complete dick, and not someone that’s easy to like. As the series progressed however, he became one of the best parts of the movies.

There’s just too many damn great moments, and makes it easy to see why this snagged the Oscar, and why Stallone was pegged as the next Brando.

The part where Rocky talks about the picture being wrong, and his trunks are the opposite colors was an actual goof. So, they just wrote it in.

4 and quarter Paulie’s Robot out of 5

2. Rocky IV
November 27th, 1985

Oooh man, now we’re talking. This isn’t just one of the greatest movies of the 80’s, but it’s easily one of the greatest action movies of all time.

Apollo Creed, being pissed that he’s over the hill, wants to pet his ego by taking on the hot new thing, Ivan Drago. Despite everyone telling him what a stupid idea this is, he goes along with it. He tries to make it seem like an exhibition, however we know he’s going to go full tilt on this guy, so he can try and make it seem like he’s back on top. However, all of his foolishness does nothing but get him killed by one of the biggest, baddest motherfuckers ever on screen.

While Rocky is holding Apollo’s body, bloody and twitching, Ivan recites the most bad-ass line that any bad-guy has ever said.

“If he dies, he dies”

OOOOH SHIT! How fucking stone cold is that? He was the exact opposite of Clubber in that he was a stoic, and only spoke when he needed to. The most advanced methods in science were used to train Drago, in order to make him the finest athlete money could buy. Oh, and steroids.

There is just so much bad-assness about this movie that it truly deserves it’s own review.

I don’t want to out right say that this is the reason the Cold War ended, however, it is the reason the Cold War ended. So, let’s thank Rocky for that.

This movie is also packed with awesome montages. We get two awesome ones that focus on training, and one where Rocky reflects on life during the awesome No Easy Way Out.

There are no slow moments in this movie, and it’s just balls out entertainment. Anytime it’s on TV I stop everything and watch it, and it’s worth it every time.

4 and a half Paulie’s Robot out of 5

1. Rocky Balboa
December 25th, 2006

It doesn’t get any better than this bad-boy.

The story of how hard Stallone had to fight to get this movie made is just about the same story incased in Rocky Balboa. He didn’t make this movie to make money, he made it because it needed to be done.

And by jove, it’s fucking fantastic.

I think this one is the most inspirational. The first time I saw it, I was standing up during the fight, throwing punches and crying, heh. Where’s part 4 had a lot of important and awesome montages, this one has a lot of important speeches and words of wisdom. The greatest thing Rocky has ever said is in this movie, and probably my all time favorite movie quote;

“But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” That just says it all right there.

In the movie, no one believes Rocky stands a chance due to his advanced age, and it’s just like how people in real life didn’t believe in the movie because of Stallone’s age. But he’s better than ever here, and his body is fucking incredible.

For the big fight, they actually hit each other full on, to give it the ultimate realism. That’s how much of a man Stallone is.

Something a lot of people have a problem with is the “is it? Or isn’t it?” relationship between Rocky and Maria. It’s a no brainier. There is no fucking relationship. Rocky looked after her when she was young, and she’s looking after him now that he’s old. Hell, she brings him a fucking picture of Adrian, just to say, hey, she’s the woman here.

All in all, it’s just a gorgeous movie.

5 Paulie’s Robot out of 5


~ by Caliber Winfield on April 30, 2010.

2 Responses to “The Only Ranking Of The Rockys You’ll Ever Need”

  1. The “film major” part of me would probably take the first movie and move it down to number 1, but otherwise, you got everything right on. I honestly wouldn’t mind if they made another movie in the series like part 5 that just ended with Rocky fighting some random dude in the street. I don’t care how shitty it was, it seems like it’d be hard to make a Rocky movie that’s not entertaining as hell. Maybe Rocky could be in a retirement home and challenge some bully who steals his rocker and beats his girlfriend with it to a fight. I would pay to see that.

  2. Haha, Cactus, glad to see you’ve made your way back to my site.

    Yeah, I know in the grand scheme of things that the first one is probably the best. It’s an actual film, it’s ground breaking, and just so goddamn well done. The other films, at least after the second one, are more like action films.

    But I agree, I could watch Rocky do a crossword or something and still be entertained. Because we’d get inspirational messages, an awesome montage, and a cool fight. Be it over ovaltine or a title belt, makes no difference to me.

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