Man Movie Encyclopedia: True Lies
As I’m sure you’ve seen, there’s a giant pile of crap coming out called Killers. It’s a movie about a guy who’s married, seems to have a nice, average, boring life, but really, he’s a spy. Yup, they couldn’t have stole the plot to True Lies any more if they hired Arnold. Not only that, but man, does it look lame. Such as, we have Ashton Kutcher as the lead. Yeah, I buy him as a spy. I’ll buy him as a lame teen heart-throb that’s about 10 years past his prime. Then we have Katherine Heigl. In the movie, she finds out, and she’s ticked! And she’s being a big spy too, and doing all sorts of wacky things! My oh my! Slap my knee!
So, we’re here to talk about the original, bad-ass movie, staring the motherfucking man, and surely the first inductee to the Man Movie Encyclopedia Hall of Fame; Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Obviously it’s the same plot as described in Killers, but back then it was original. I’m sure it’d been done before to some degree, but at least back in ’94 the market wasn’t saturated with crap like that [Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Knight & Day]. So let’s get to it.
We’re introduced to Harry Tasker via a party. Like a real man, he wasn’t invited, so he snuck in. Also, like a real man, he leaves after causing an explosion, killing people, & being chased by guard dogs that he proceeds to deliver a double-noggin-knocker to. My only complaint is when he grabbed the two dogs, he should have looked around all wild eyed and asked the people if this is what they wanted. That’s how it works in real life, right?
Back home, we see how he portrays himself. A very boring, mild mannered family man. We see he has a rebellious daughter, as well as a doughty, loyal wife.
At the party, Harry met a woman whom he knows has connects to the underworld, yet posses as an art dealer. Welp, he sets up a meeting for them to talk art stuff. He’s probably asking if they have one of those bomb-ass velvet Elvis’, or the Timeless Art of Seduction.
Anyways, so after they talk turkey, we find that the janitors are actually terrorists who are running the show. So, because of that, I no longer trust janitors. Not that I ever did before, but I try to break the thumbs of everyone I see. Now let’s see you press the button on the bomb remote, you evil bastard.
These guys end up following Harry and his main man, Albert, who’s played by super-awesome Tom Arnold. Since they’re spies, they know what’s going on and pull over. Harry acts like he’s going to the bathroom and waits for the dudes to follow them in. They enter, and Harry kicks the shit out of’em and does some nice killing. Again, because of this, if I’m ever in a bathroom and someone enters after wards, I smash their face with the toilet tank lid. Mom was pissed when she came to borrow some tooth paste, but hey, she should know whats up. Motherfucker.
After Harry dispatches the guys trying to stop him from taking an awesome piss, he chases the main bad guy on a horse. Which is rad. I want to chase someone while I’m on a Lion. Then I could say bad-ass stuff like;
“I’m not going to shoot you, I’m not lyin’!”
The bad guy would drop his guard, then BAM. I shoot him and say something bad ass like;
“I said I wasn’t Lion…*then point to the Lion*…he is”
We soon find out that because of the drab life Harry’s family leads, his wife has become some what involved with a guy who said he was a spy, and needed his help. Turns out the dude is just a used car salesman who uses the spy shtick to nail bored house wives. He at one point, in a good light, says that Harry’s wife has the ass of a “ten year old boy”. Am I the only one who wonders why the hell that’s suppose to be a good thing?
Harry finds this out, and uses his spy connects to fuck with his wife. His group kidnaps her, and says she’s in big time trouble unless she helps the Government. She has to seduce a foreign dictator and plant a bug. Of course, the dictator is Harry, and he plans to reveal himself just as bad guys bust in and take them away.
What kind of bad guys are these? How ruthless must one be? Suicide bomb innocent people, kidnap and murder..sure, that’s all mean guy stuff. But to kidnap a guy when he’s rocking a mad boner and about to do it? Murder is one thing, cockblocking is on such another level. Penis-terrorism, the worst of the worst, man.
So, we go to terrorist island, and Harry’s wife finds out about what’s going on. Honestly, Harry should have just stuck to it. Unless she catches him, with a gun in his hand, blowing away a terrorist while flying a jet and speaking in code, she has nothing. Now he’s going to have to hear her fucking nag, and nag, about how their whole relationship together is practically one big lie, and all that stupid crap women bitch about.
So, Harry & the Wife are tied up, and she’s going on about how she can’t believe this, blah blah blah. Well, he’s getting pissed of having to sit here and listen to her praddle on over the littlest shit and he gets tired of it. So, he breaks his cuffs and kills the guards. He ends up taking the wife, why, I don’t know. I assume it’s so he could use the car pool lane on the ride back. Harry mobs around, being a totally buff, bad-ass motherfucker and kills a shit ton of people.
Helen, the wife, is kidnapped as the bad guys flee. Harry pretty much let her go, so he could get some moments peace, and probably rub one out. The calvary arrives, which is pretty much useless because Harry is a bad ass that could put Humpty Dumpty back together, then head-butt the motherfucker and make some bomb omelets. Which he’d then call them Bombeltes.
Well, it’s due time to chase down the wife. Because if she dies, then there’d probably be a funeral, and those are usually held on Sundays, and SummerSlam is coming up and like hell he’s gonna take a chance on missing that, the real Undertaker is set to fight Ted DiBiase’s Undertaker!
So, I’m sure that most normal men would be total wussies and take a car. But Harry…you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
So, he takes his rad jet to where the bad buys are hiding out and has a shoot out with them. Needless to say, he won. Of course, jet or no jet he would have won.
This was another super, mega hit for James Cameron. He was 3 years removed from his biggest hit to date, the mega-super-every-motherfucker-saw-it-twice Terminator 2: Judgment Day. So he teamed up with Arnold again and put out another action classic.
I’ve loved this movie since I was a young’n. Arnold is of course Arnold, so that’s a thumbs up. No fiber of my being is attracted to Jamie Lee, but she kicks ass in this role. She really does a fine job of going from a meek, walk-on-egg-shells type of person, to someone who’s fighting bitches in the back of a limo as it speeds down the highway. It’s no wonder this movie launched her back to the top of the A List. Tom Arnold is such an awesome side-kick. It doesn’t get much better than an action-comedy, and he brings it every time he’s in a role like this.
This film also has a ton of original action scenes. Chasing down baddies on motorbikes while on horse back, limos flying down the highway while peeps in helicopters fire rockets, shoot outs between a building full of terrorists and a Harrier Jet. Some grade A stuff.
I’ve only got one complaint, and its that it tends to drag on a little. Plus, the entire scene with the jet and his daughter is so completely over the top that it’s a little hard to take it seriously. That isn’t to say it doesn’t kick ass, but holy shit. I know something like that probably only happens a couple times a month, so the odds are against it happening to him.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
Guys Beat-Up: 2
Guys Killed: 67
Swear Words: 36
Slow Motion: 1
Car Chases: 1
Foot Chases: 1
Broken Bones: Yes
Fight At A Motel: Yes
Guy Get Girl?: Married
Guy Smoke?: Yes
[Harry delivers the double noggin knocker to the dogs]
[Harry is gassed up from the truth serum]
Harry: Ask me a question I would normally lie to
Helen: Are we gonna die?
[Salim Abu Aziz is hanging off a missile attached to Harry’s Harrier]
Harry: You’re fired!
[After whooping some terrorist ass, Harry sticks his head in a toilet]
Harry: Cool off
[Harry & Helen are taken to a room that is obviously used for torture, while a man admires his tools used for such a thing]
Juno: Alright, everyone, this is Samir. For 50 points, see if you can guess his specialty.
Harry: Oral hygiene?
When Helen falls, it wasn’t part of the script. Jamie Lee actually fell, but then just got right back up and got with it. Arnold’s reaction of getting up to help was genuine too. Honestly, I would have just flexed. But then again, if I was Arnold, that’d be my natural reaction to everything.
There was a sequel planned. Of course, it was during the time that 9/11 happened, and everyone turned into an over-sensitive pussy. But, like true Americans, just give them a year or so and we’re all back to just caring about ourselves and our money!
Box Office Business:
Budget is estimated at $120 million. It ended up making a cool $146 million in the US alone. Then about $80,000,000 in rentals.
4 1/2th head-butts out of 5