Man Movie Encyclopedia: Eraser
First and foremost, I received a comment from a man known only as “Balls”, and he informed me that I need to update more. Suggestion noted, suggestion being taken in to action. I promise to update once or twice a week. Also, if you guys want to tell me what you’d like to see more of, lemme know. Until then, it’s Man Movie time…
The Expendables is coming, oh so soon. Finally, an awesome return to form not seen since the hey-day of the 80’s. The only peeps they’re missing from this is Van Damme and Seagal. I don’t understand what Terry Crews is doing here. I get it, he’s buff. But what action films has he ever done? He’s played a gay convict in Friday After Next, as well as Chris Rock’s father. I’m sure he’ll do just fine though.
Eraser. An underrated Arnold classic. When people talk about Arnie’s movies, they speak on the obvious classics, Commando, Predator, the Terminators and such, yet Eraser is never brought up. Well, it deserves it, because Arnold is out kicking some serious ass.
He’s a US Marshall working with WIT-SEC. Which is Witness Protection. He’s got to protect Vanessa Williams, who blew the whistle on the company she’s working for, because they’re manufacturing big time guns and selling them to terrorists.
We start off with a group of thugs beating up a couple, and planning to do’em in. Well, Arnold [from here on out, we’ll call him by his movie name, John] dressed up like a ninja, gets ready to kick some ass. He probably was just suppose to knock’em out or something, however, he was at home when WIT-SEC called and told him he had to go to work. Just when Wild Things was about to come on HBO, and that movie has hella titties. So, John, probably rocking a pre-Wild Things boner, is super pissed and mobs up in there killing the hell out of everyone. Like a boyscout, he’s always prepared and thankfully rocks around with dead bodies in his car, so they sub’em out for the people he’s saving and sets fire. Tadow, motherfucker.
Welp, now we’re on to Lee Cullen [Vanessa]. She’s an FBI Informant now. Trying to obtain information from Cyrez on the assembly and selling of pulse rifles. Now, because she’s a woman, she gets caught. Sheesh, and they wonder why they make 30% less on the dollar than us. She’s saved by the FBI, and goes back home. Now, just like a woman, she can’t help but run her mouth about it. So, she calls up a friend and tells her the low-down, despite the fact she should be wise and know that peeps are watching her every move.
Bad guys try and get the drop on her, but John is a man’s man, and knows full well that women are always almost getting themselves killed. So, he saves her ass, and catches a screw in his hand for his efforts. The bad guys have an awesome gun that shoots a ball in the air, which then explodes and shoots screws. Which is pretty cool. I’d like to have a gun like that that shot doughnuts. Man, that’d kick ass. Or one that shot shockingly graphic gay pornography, so I could do drive by’s on churches and such. Awesome.
Anyways, he erases her, and now she’s a new women.
Besides all that, there’s a mole in WIT-SEC, and peeps are dying. It’s up to John, and his mentor, Robert Deguerin to feel out the mole and stop with all the killing and the such. Of course, they’re breaking their backs to figure it out, but no one just asks people if they’re the mole or not. Idiots.
They pop on over to a cabin in the woods, in order to prevent another witness getting capped, but ah-ha! We find out that John’s mentor is in fact the mole, as he kills his witness. Which is probably for the best, she looked like the type who might DVR Jersey Shore & America’s Got Talent.
On a plane back to base, John figures out what’s goin on and decides to leap out because landing safely while seated is for fucking pussies. So is not shooting a 44magnum at an airplane. That’s on my bucket list.
He catches back up with Lee at their meeting place, the zoo. He takes the truck he’s driving and just rams it through the front gate. A lot of people might assume it was to get through the barricade of people shooting at him, but they’re wrong.See, John, like any real man, always smashes his truck into something. The second he buys a car, he detaches the breaks so the only way he can stop is by crushing the shit out of something. Hell yes. Before leaving, he kicks the crap out of some crocodiles, which is pretty rad. The only thing he could have done more, is perhaps body slam a bear. And head-butt a cactus. In the game of WIT-SEC, you never know who to trust.
They end up finding where a huge shipment of guns is coming in, so they head over there to rock some shit. John’s especially pissed, I’m sure, because not only has his boss and mentor turned traitor, but tonight is the night that HBO is running an Anna Nicole Smith double feature of Over the Limit & Sky Scrapper. Which is rad, because her boobies are rocking. Well, he’s gonna miss all this awesomeness because he has to protect the nation’s security, blah blah blah. Can’t these pansy American’s pick up a sharp stick and take care of some shit their damn selves sometimes?
John, finally, gets sleeveless and starts bringing the hammer down. He kills a good portion of people, and most importantly, looks awesome while doing it.
When shooting down bad guys. Or good. Whatever. When shooting people, it’s very important to double fist. It may be impracticle, and hard to aim and all that crap, but you won’t look nearly as cool if you’re sitting there with one gun instead of two. Looking cool is always the cardinal rule in ass-kicking. It trumps all. Just ask Lone Wolf Mquade.
John ends up blowing up his boss. Which, he was probably going to do even if he wasn’t a bad guy. His neighbor too, because she’s one of those fat, white trash bitches who lets her stupid little kids run rampant. Like, take’em to the gym and let’em fuck around on equipment while people have to sit and wait for the little shit to move, or they’re in a store and she lets the kid knock a bunch of shit over. She’s also the type to walk into a GNC, where there’s over 20 signs that say “BUY ONE GET ONE 50% OFF!!” in bright yellow and red colors, buys something, but not another. Comes in a day or so later, then sees the sign, then yells at the clerk that no one told her and she didn’t see the signs, so she should get the 50% off now. God, please John, kill her. Man, I want to erase that bitch with her kid. That would rule. Save the state some welfare, some money spent putting the kid through jail, and whatever else happens when that dumb bitch pumps out 3 more kids with 4 different dads and all the kids have kids. The Government just needs to put sterilizing rays in the American Idol broadcasts and TADOW. Soon, our problems will allll be over.
Eraser is an awesome, awesome classic. Completely underrated and should be considered with some of Arnold’s best.
Guys Beat Up: 7
Guys Killed: 50
Swear Words: 37
Slow-Motion Scenes: 10
Car Chases: 0
Chases on Foot: 1
Broken Bones: 3
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: No
Guy Get Girl?: No
Lead-Guy Smoke?: No
[John paged Lee to meet him at the zoo. Bad guys got there first, chased her and shot at her. He had to leap out of a plane, grab the shute, hit it, almost get hit by a plane, barely land and survive, and finally gets there to save her]
Lee: You’re late!
[John shoots a gator]
John: You’re luggage
[bad guys get plowed by a train]
Lee: What happened?
John: They caught a train
Lee: We can’t go back there [Cyrez], they’d be expecting us
John: I’d hate to disappoint them
When John shows up to save Lee at her house, he’s dressed as a balloon delivery man. The company is known as “LET’S PARTY!”. A reference to Arnold’s ultimate mantastic classic, Commando. He says it to Bennet, right before they knife fight.
The role of John Krueger was intended for Robert DeNiro. Which wouldn’t have been half bad, but c’mon, every movie needs Arnold.
Estimated budget of 100 mill.
First weekend it did about 24, and over-all it pulled in 101 million.