The Only Review Of ‘The Crazies’ That You’ll Ever Need

The Crazies
February 26th, 2010

The Crazies is a remake of the 1973 cult hit from, well, cult-hit master blaster, George A. Romero, who’s also an executive producer on this one.

It’s an enchanted tale about a small town in Iowa where a new biological weapon accidentally makes its way into the towns water supply. This weapon, basically, turns people into violent psychotics. They’re zombies in the way that they want nothing more than violence, yet they remain of sound mind, and body. They think, act, and remain the same person that they were before, yet they want to kill, and hurt people.  Kind of like me if I were to talk into the Jersey Shore house. Or the set of American Idol. Or The Real Housewives of [Any City]. Or Super Sweet 16. You get it.

The movie stars Timothy Olyphant, who I believe is the best actor in Hollywood right now. He’s a bad-ass, who’s always got a level of sarcastic wit lying beneath the surface. He’s the towns sheriff, in the role usually reserved for teenagers. The “Something bad is in town, listen to me, motherfuckers!” that we see in practically every horror movie since the dawn of time.

The outbreak starts, the town is then ushered off and quarantined by the Government. The Sheriff’s wife is pregnant, and one of the indications of being sick is a fever. Once they find out she’s sick, they’re torn apart and she’s kept back in town. On the outskirts, the Sheriff decides to go back into town to find his wife. She promised him anal, and he’ll be damned if she tries to use being dead as an excuse. He’s also stoked because he was planning on asking for a divorce, but if she dies, sweet, no alimony or child support.

Things are looking up for our Sheriff.

So, that’s the whole idea behind the movie.

There’s not a lot of gore. Sure, there’s death and what have you, but they don’t get overly graphic with it, and it some cases just let the audience member’s mind make up the horror. Which I always say is a nice thing once in a while. There’s some nice levels of suspense, and action. When people become one of the ‘crazies’, they become the real star of the movie. They look extremely sicky, and do some down right mean things to people. They still talk, and seem lucid as ever, which makes them down right, really fucking scary.

In place of gore, we get some brutality. Such as a guy having his eyes and mouth sown shut. Or people being strapped to beds while a dude walks from person to person and drives his pitchfork through their chest. Good stuff.

The Sheriff almost gets medical electric sawed in the junk. Wouldn’t that suck? Your wife dies, and then BAM. You lose your junk, so your wife might as well be alive now. Fuck. Who’s gonna do my laundry and cook my nachos?

I mentioned suspense, and other than your typical ‘is he around the corner?’ style, you also are left to wonder who among the traveling group is going to become sick. We know for sure you can get sick if you ingest it, but we have no idea if it’s air born, or blood born. It’s a nice touch.

My biggest gripe is the whole Government involvement. They almost trump the crazies as the main villain, which sucks. I mean, c’mon now. I plunked my money down to watch some crazy motherfuckers gut and destroy people. Not some dudes running around looking like Hunk from Resident Evil, and that’s pretty much what a lot of it is. People trying to avoid the cleaning team.

So, whats your boy’s final thought? Good movie, son, good movie. It could have used more of the crazies, as stated, but other than that, no real complaints. Tim brings the goods, as per usual, people get burned alive and stabbed with a pitchfork. Really, what more could you want from a movie? Or a wedding.

– Caliber

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~ by Caliber Winfield on August 28, 2010.

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