Top 5 Crime Movies

It’s no surprise that your boy loves horror, action, and martial arts movies. Other than wrestling, it’s damn near all I talk about. So, I thought for a change we’d look at some great shit that isn’t up my usual alley. I know, you’re very excited.

In celebration of HBO’s new show, Boardwalk Empire [awesome show, so far], I’ll tell you what the Top 5 Crime Movies just so happen to be. I absolutely love a good gangster/mobster/drug-dealing type film. So, get ready to put a head in a vise, it’s the Top 5 Crime Movies, motherfucker.

“My grandpa asked me one time if I care whether I live or die. Yeah I do. Now it’s too late.”
Menace II Society
May 26th, 1993

Menace II Society came out during America’s obsession with Southern California’s gang culture. From gangsta rap on MTV, the radio, and Billboard charts, to movies of the same nature getting rave reviews & awards.

While Boyz n The Hood is the most well known, and critically acclaimed, I truly believe that Menace is the better movie. It has more action, crazier characters, and yes, while it preaches, it isn’t nearly as preachy as Boyz is.

Hell, in very beginning O-Dogg kills two Korean store owners because the husband said he felt sorry for O-Dogg’s mother.

That is just some rough shit.

I also like that while in Boyz n the Hood, the main character was a goody-good, Caine, while not a bad guy, had no problem selling drugs, smoking crack, robbing & killing folk.

The movie has a serious rough edge that Boyz n the Hood, or most other gangsta movies just couldn’t match.

Funny little story. Back when I was 13-15, I was a total suburban G. I wore the baggiest jeans you could find, I wore Ben Davis work shirts, I listened only to hip-hop, I wrote 187 on things, I was a total moron. While, the day after I saw Menace for the first time, I got stuck at a bus depot with my friend. This bus depot was not in the nicest of neighborhoods, and I was surrounded by thugs. On of them came running up with a ski mask and such and I damn near shit my pants. I was terrified of these guys, and did my best to hide my stupid ass before they tested me. Needless to say, I stopped trying so hard after that.


“But it should have been perfect. I mean he had me, Nicky Santoro, his best friend watching his ass. And he had Ginger, the woman he loved on his arm. But in the end, we fucked it all up. It should have been so sweet, too. But it turned out to be the last time that street guys like us were ever given anything that fuckin’ valuable again.”
Casino
November 22nd, 1995

Before we get into it, I just want to say that numbers 4 and 3 here could switch places at anytime, it just depends on the day, and the mood. Because 3  hours is a bit long, so you’ve got to be in the mood for it. But if you are? Oh hell yeah..

A lot of folks consider Casino to be Goodfellas part 2. I think that’s a fair assessment in some senses. It has a ton of the same actors, De Niro & Pesci play the same exact characters, and it’s done by the writing & directing team that also did Goodfellas. But don’t get it twisted, it’s got a lot of it’s own ass kickery.

My favorite aspect of the film is down fall of Nicky Santoro, played by Pesci. He’s one of the craziest, ballsiest, outlaw motherfuckers ever committed to celluloid. He starts off just jacking casinos & such, then graduates to multiple murders, cocaine usage, shooting up cop’s houses, and all types of shit people may frown upon. It’s also on par with the equal downfall of Ginger. I thought Sharon Stone did a fantastic job here, as she really brought Ginger to life as a full blown hustler addict who was bat shit crazy and in love with her pimp, played by James Woods who rocks the MESH TANK-TOP. Easily the manliest piece of clothing EVER. He rocked that bad motherfucker with a mustache and polyester jackets. Total rad sauce.

Casino is also one of the most brutal movies I’ve ever seen. It’s like it keeps escalating. It starts when they talk about what happens to cheaters. After shocking a guy with a cattle prod, they take him to the backroom and proceed to smash his fucking hand with a ball-peen hammer. After that we get probably the most infamous scene in Casino, where Nicki is interigaiting a guy and ends up crushing his head in a vise. So much so it causes the guy’s fucking eye-ball to pop out of it’s skull. It’d probably get the award for the hardest thing to watch, but I save that for the end. Nickie & his brother Dominick get almost beaten to death with aluminum baseball bats. I say almost to death, because while they’re barely hanging on, they’re thrown in a shallow grave and buried alive. Hands down the most brutal death in the history of cinema. At least as far as I’ve seen.

As stated, it’s a 3 hour movie, but it never tires. You never find yourself looking at the clock, or wondering just how much longer it’s going to try and drag out. You get the full story, and scope of the rise & fall of not only three individuals, but of an era. A fantastic movie that must be seen.

Bullet Tooth Tony: Boris The Blade? As in ‘Boris The Bullet-Dodger’?
Avi: Why do they call him The Bullet Dodger?
Bullet Tooth Tony:Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.
Snatch
January 19th, 2001

I’m not much for Guy Ritchie’s movies, but Snatch? You most certainly are not a man, unless you’ve seen, and enjoy Snatch.

This was Jason Statham’s first real big role, and it’s funny to watch it now because he is a complete non-ass kicker. The big bad-ass in this movie is Brad Pitt. He’s an Irish Gypsy type folk who’s a mix of Sean Connery & Tyler Durden. He’s a bare-knuckles boxer who milks a fight, then has the ability to knock his opponent out with one punch.

The brilliance of Snatch isn’t just the mix up of characters, but how all the characters are involved in so many story lines that all intertwine themselves. It’s one of those movies that’s impossible to explain, or really do justice in word form. But I try.

Besides Brad Pitt’s character, there’s another bad-ass named Brick-Top. He’s a gangster type fucker who makes money in all types of bad guy going-ons. Gambling, dog fights, people fights, hookers, drugs, you name it, and he enjoys feeding his problems to his pet pigs. Because as he puts it, they eat bone, teeth, hair, the whole lot.

Bottom line, boner-lover, watch this shit.

“In this day and age, what the fuck is this world coming to? I can’t believe this, prejudice against – a Jew broad – prejudice against Italians.”
Goodfellas
September 19th, 1990

I’m sure at this point you’d think that Goodfellas would be number one. Don’t get it twisted, Goodfellas is an unstoppable classic, and one of my Top 10 All-Time faves, but it just can’t inch out the number one.

What can be said about Goodfellas that hasn’t been said? Along with The Godfather, it’s the patriarch, the blueprint of what most gangster/crime movies aspire to be. It has fantastic characters, brought to life by some of the best in the business, and an extremely intriguing story line that spans the life of what the Henry Hill describes as “a glorious time”.

The beauty of Goodfellas, I think, is the way it makes you truly want to be them. Despite the risks, the pitfalls & trappings that comes with the life, these guys look to be enjoying themselves so much it’s as if they’ve had more fun in their lifetime than that of 10 men. You see the use of power, money, and how anything they want is within reach and you imagine having all that for yourself.

Goodfellas is such a great movie, that even with heavy editing, and the extended length due to commercials, if I come across it on TV, no matter what point it’s at, I’ll watch it till the end. It use to happen to my ex and I all the time, and each occurrence, we were just as excited as before.

This is truly a movie you need.

“This is Grade A 100% pure Colombian cocaine, ladies and gentlemen… Disco shit… Pure as the driven snow.”
Blow
April 6th, 2001

Remember how I said Goodfellas made you want to be them? Well, take Blow and extrapolate that. With Goodfellas, we knew the money they had, the things they did to get, we just never saw it. However, with Blow, we saw it all, from top to bottom.

The image I used for the logo up top is from Blow, it’s when Boston George [Depp] and his friend Diego really start to hit it big by dealing coke.

For some reason, I’ve always been fascinated and interested in the whole drug dealing world. So any movie that deals with it, I’m first in line for. Hell, as a matter of fact I use to deal drugs. I sold pot, shrooms, methadone, percs, vics, oxycontin, all types of stuff. I actually bought the Blow DVD with money I’d just got from selling weed. I felt that was important.

Depp is awesome as George Jung, a really laid-back dude with a charisma that lies just under the surface. The story starts off with him and his friend Tuna in California, and they decide to start selling pot. At this point, we meet his dealer played by the aw-fucking-some Paul Reubens. For those who need to be slapped, he played Pee Wee Herman. They get big into dealing weed, and once George ends up in jail, he learns about the way of cocaine.

It’s awesome because we get to go with George, step by step. We get to see a lot of the inner workings of the business, and the high level of death and paranoia. It’s all done so well, you really don’t know where to begin. Ray Liotta is fucking fantastic as George’s father. Their relationship is one of the movies strong points, and you look forward to their interactions. In the end, when everything is falling apart, their relationship is just as sad as the one with his daughter.

Penelope Cruz blows crazy out of the water. At first, you admire George because she’s hot, and doesn’t give a fuck. Of course, then she basically becomes a walking pool cue with a massive coke problem and her crazy on a hair trigger.

Much like Goodfellas, you just can’t do Blow justice here. If you have netflix, it’s available to stream, and you can also see it on fancast.com, and I’d be surprised if it wasn’t on youtube.

Now, as far as a few movies that weren’t on here…

The Godfather Trilogy: I’ve never seen any of them. I know, as a so called movie buff, that’s considered blasphemy. But EVERY movie buff has seen it. I want to have seen the obsceure ones, the one that an every-man may not have seen and want to know if it’s worth checking out. We all know The Godfather is great. But Kickboxer 2? [No] Daredevil Director’s Cut? [Yes] The People Under The Stairs? [Yes] These are movies that not a lot of people talk about, but a ton of folks may come across and need to know the deal on.

Scarface: Kiss my ass. This movie isn’t NEARLY what everyone says it is. For the life of me I can’t understand why people think it’s so great. The whole movie is nothing more than Tony Montana doing a few jobs for Frank here and there, having fights with his sister/mother/wife, then getting to the top, where we then see nothing, and finally we get an awesome end scene and that’s it. No relationships are actually explored, we never see many of the deals or the going-ons that help to build his empire. It’s just a lot of really boring shit.

So, there we have it. You now know which gangster classics are needed for your viewing in order to up your status as a man, as well as being intelligent. You may thank me later, but I’d prefer it now. As usual, slides are available in the gift shop.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on September 26, 2010.

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