The Greatest SCARES! of The Dungeon of Doom
Hola, kids. As you know, it’s October. It’s the greatest month of the year, where everything is devoted to kick ass horror and all associated.
Now, with wrestling, we don’t have that much that’s horror related. We have The Boogeyman, Kevin Thorne, and The Demon. Nothing to get too excited about. However, and, lucky for us, we have the greatest assembly of monsters in history. Far greater than The Universal Monsters, greater than The Monster Squad, be still your hearts, for it’s…
This is probably going to be a 3 part series. Here, in part 1, we’re going to go over the superstars of The Dungeon, and I don’t use the term superstar lightly, motherfucker. Part 2 we’ll go over their most famous promos, and in part 3, peep the scene in their 5 star matches.
In the beginning…
Starting at the 1995 Slamboree, Kevin Sullivan started hearing voices telling him to come find him, after he’d defeated The Man With No Name. Who of course, was Brutus The Barber Beefcake, who was playing a dude who had amnesia.
Well, when one hears a beckoning voice, one follows. At first he ended up playing baseball in a cornfield in Iowa, afterword he ended up in a cave, located in Parts Unknown. The Warrior lived next door, and every Halloween would turn off his lights like he wasn’t home. Dick. It’s also cool to know that Parts Unknown has really been The Universal Studio’s film lot for all these years.
Once there, we found out who the man behind the voice was;
Holy shit. Are you serious? If I’d be following some voice for the past couple weeks, and THIS is what was at the end of that vocal rainbow, I’d fucking sue somebody, or something. Someone’s groin would mos def meet someone’s cactus. So, after meeting the Grandfather from 3 Ninjas, we learn that the man who was once Kevin Sullivan is now to be known as;
I can imagine the conversation was something like;
Guy: I don’t know, sounds stupid.
Kevin Sullivan: Yeah, but I’m gonna have weird things painted on my forehead, AND a trackjacket with yellow lightening bolts!
Guy: …please don’t take my wife from me, and at least let me know what it’s like when you’re a billionaire.
Now, The Taskmaster is probably wondering just what he’s the Taskmaster of. Of course, The Master has it all planned out. The TM will lead The Dungeon of Doom, and to success. Their objective you ask? To not only have one of the worst, most rediculous and stupid angles of all time, but to cultivate a group of pathetic workers who bring about a collection of some of the worst matches of all time. Oh, and to end Hulkamania. No real order, which ever happens first. Let’s get fuckin’ busy, son.
The first to join, was a man who’s been a few natural disasters. First, an Earthquake, then an Avalanche. But now? Well, I don’t know if you can really handle what he’s become now. With facepaint, and blue tights, he’s busting your colon with fear as…
Goddamn, he couldn’t even bother to shave his fucking beard? It looks like he just painted candy corn on his face or something stupid. He moved at the speed of dick, and wrestled just as well. No disrespect to John, as I hear he was an awesome guy, but this gimmick is just hell, and the only reason it kept kicking for as long is because of his friendship to The Hulkster. Now, as if they need yet a 3rd fat guy to sit around and bark without anyone paying to see them, our prayers are answered from deep inside the Ugandan jungle…
Holy fucking boner. How on Earth did this asshole manage to get a career that extended from WCCW, to the WWE, to WCW? Is it the face paint? Or is it Kamala’s never, unending thirst to kill Hulkamania, as we are lead to believe? What I want to know, is why isn’t Kim-Chee, his bee-net wearing manager along with him in The Dungeon? Was Kevin Sullivan, sitting there with a track-jacket covered in bolts, and paint on his forehead telling the fat fuck next to him with cracks painted on his face that a guy in a bee-net would look stupid? They probably argued “yes” and “no” back and forth until it inspired them to create something that wasn’t stupid! Behold…
After previously being a wrestling amnesia patient, Ed Leslie landed a sweet gig as The Zodiac. He’d scream yes, and he’d scream no. We as a collective people, just screamed no. Truly, the case of The Zodiac shouldn’t be looked at it in the ring, but more so out of it. In that, no matter what, be nice to people, because you never know who’s going to end up being a Hulk Hogan, and thus giving to plush job security for fucking life. Naturally, the Hulkster being the brain he is, later told us that Brother Bruti was infact just a spy in the Dungeon, oh ho! He then went on to be The Booty Man, and The Disciple. Now he’s just a millionaire many times over because no one fetches coffee for Hogan like this guy.
I don’t want to scare you guys any more than I have. I’m sure I have a few cadiac arrests already on my plate here, so we’ll continue the rest of the main members next week, as well as some clutch moments in Dungeon history.