The Only Review of The Expendables That You’ll Ever Need

The Expendables
August 13th, 2010

Have you ever felt that God has made something just for you? If so, then you know how I feel when I found out about The Expendables. After I watched it, I went outside and ate a pick-up truck. That was the ONLY way to satiate all of the manliness I’d just witnessed.

Men are such fucking pussies these days, that we keep having to go back to the classics. We have no current, burly heroes. Exception to Jason Statham, and Jet Li. I mean, think about the 80’s and early 90’s, you couldn’t watch a movie without seeing a super bad ass, introducing the business end of their everything, to what ever nerd was near. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Eastwood, Lundgren, Van Damme, Seagal, Chan.

Now, the best we get is Vin Diesel. He started strong with Pitch Black, but then we got crap like xXx, and he felt the need to go Kindergarten Cop on us, way before he had some solid action under his belt. Thank God for Statham though. He’s really brought the legit tough guy, back to the big screen. Jet Li, too. But enough of what’s wrong with the average, American male. let’s get in to what’s right about this movie.

EVERYTHING.

Stallone leads a rag-tag, bad-assed group of mercenaries who refer to themselves as The Expendables. They get a job from a man whom they believe to be CIA. To head to an island off of the Gulf, and over through the dictator, who’s big in the coke business.

As I stated above, everything is right about this movie. It is so fantastic to see all of my favorites [sad that Van Damme turned down a role, but he’ll be in the sequel] in action. I got so excited that I called my neighbor over and head-butted him in the shin so hard it gave him a black eye.

We get car chases, foot chases, shoot outs, explosions, super excessive violence, swearing, awesome man commodore. There’s little to no romance, and what romance there even is, is just so they can set up an awesome ass-kicking scene. Everyone is a super buff, gun toting bad-assed motherfucker. They’re exactly what I’d like to be when I’m older. Just a grizzled, buff, tatted up bad-ass who could crack a jaw just by flashing a smile.

I’m pretty sure he could punch you with his abs.

We get great gun fights, fantastic one-on-one fight scenes that incorporate everything from kung-fu to MMA. They just took all the great elements from action movies, and sowed it all together seamlessly.

It was so great to see Arnold back on the screen. He just fit so fucking perfectly. How I wish he’d just pick up the weights again, and give us another movie. I’d love to see him and Stallone clash it out in Expendables 2. They never did a movie together, and they were silent rivals. The two biggest action heroes of all time.

The tattoo that all members have. Mark my words, I will have this done. And then a body guard to help keep away the swarms of women.

Roberts & Austin were awesome as the bad-guys. Roberts has a perfect blend of sophisticated sleaze to him, and he really brought it to this role. Austin was the perfect choice for the enforcer, and I’m glad that’s how they cast him. The fight between him and Randy was awesome, I figure that was done on purpose. The MMA champion vs the pro-wrestling champion. Lundgren, as usual, was perfect. In his older age, I think his presence on screen is greater than it’s ever been. He’s a bad-ass giant, who has this weathered, chizzled look to him that looks like he was painted with the color bad-ass. Which, is hard to find, most Home Depots do not carry it.

There’s only one downside to The Expendables. That downside is that you’ll have to keep a black bear near by at all times, because every time you watch this, you’ll have to have the bear around so you can arm wrestle it. It’s the only way you can deal with the manliess that’s been injected into your body, via your ears and eyes. Oh, and watch out, bears tend to act like they don’t know what’s going on, or that they don’t know the rules to arm wrestling, but don’t buy that bullshit.

There should be no doubt, 5 stars. 5 stars, without a fucking doubt.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on November 24, 2010.

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