88MPH Reviews: WCW Monday Nitro, July 1st, 1996
Hey, kids. Sorry it’s been far and wide between Nitro reviews, but your boy has been working on a lot of other things, to flesh this place out, and keep giving you guys the literary boners you so deserve. Let’s get busy, shall we?
It’s a week before the biggest event in WCW’s history, Bash at the Beach.
The show opens up with Tony Schiavone saying “You’re looking live…” 3 times before he says anything else. Making sure to prove that he is leaps and bounds above Jim Ross. Or at least ahead of getting raped in the penis. Maybe.
They recap last week with some footage of the nWo pelting wrestlers, and WCW property with bats. Larry then says that this Sunday, there will be a “new world order”. I wonder if he came up with that on his own, or if Bisch’ told him to say it.
- WCW Tag-Team Championship
Harlem Heat [C] vs. The Steiners
Booker T comes out talking on his cell phone, leading the announcers to puzzle about who’s on the other line. My guess is he’s calling his answering machine to leave a reminder to find a way to stop wasting cell phone minutes. Other than that, nothing interesting with this bout, other than it’s boring as fuck, and Harlem Heat, as always, are dressed like bouncers from Studio 54. The bout ends when Col. Rob Parker, also known as Tennessee Lee, comes down and clubs Rick with his cane. The announcers deduce that Booker must have been calling Rob Parker, but, no, I feel my answer is more correct.
- Disco Inferno vs. Kurasawa
Every time I watch Disco, I always have a respect for the things people will do for money. I mean, just imagine sitting in on this meeting. You’re a bright new wrestler, meeting with the President of the same company that employs the likes of Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Sting, and Hardbody Harrison. It’s game time, and shit is going to rock! So, Bisch’ lines up his pitch, and throws it at you. You then take it to the ball sack, kneel over and die. A wrestling disco dancer? Are you fucking kidding me? So, you ask what this entails and Bisch’s, or Kevin Sullivan’s eyes light up as they describe you being a John Travolta knock-off with “Monday Night Fever” on your ass. I’d do The Hustle, or the Cabbage Patch all the way to my gun-shelf and BeeGee’s my brains all over the wall. Of course, you’d also feel like Kevin Sullivan was keeping the good ideas to himself until you see he’s the leader of the Dungeon of Doom, and has lightening bolts painted on his forehead.
The ending of this bout involves Kurasawa being distracted, Inferno then has his Disco Ball lowered, and hits Kurasawa in the back so hard it made me change the channel and watch East Bound & Down re-runs.
- DDP vs. Scotty Riggs
DDP, who still hasn’t thought to bring his hands 6 inches closer when he throws’em up in the air, shakes down stage hands, looking for his ring. Since he’s The Lord of the Ring, this ring means a lot. Obviously. Scotty Riggs powers down to the ring with all the rage of a rainbow wrapped around a Unicorn’s horn. Match has a sick ending with DDP rocking an off-the-top-rope Diamond Cutter.
- Macho Man vs. Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine
The only thing note worthy here is that Hammer looks like a potato with appendages, and got his fat ass kicked in less than 5 minutes after a 4 year absence. Oh, and Macho wore his war-paint.
At this point, we get another famous moment in nWo history as Hall & Nash show up with tickets and pop-corn. This was the first time I can ever remember this being done, of course, it was then repeated a 100 times in every federation, but I believe it was here first. It was stuff like this that made Nitro so awesome, and the nWo so damn popular. Nash offering popcorn to the security is one of the things indicative of what made people love him, even when he was a 7ft dictator, crushing an entire company.
- WCW World Title Match
The Giant [C] vs. John Tetna
Ugh. Please, God, get this title off of The Giant. This is what we get? This is what they expect us to line up for? Being visually raped? If only there was some sort of rape whistle for an instance like this, so that when crap is going on, I can blow it, and get The Office, or footage of me body slamming some obnoxious fat girl so hard she time travels.
- The 4 Horsemen vs. Joe Gomez, The Renegade, and The Rock n Roll Express
OK, so we’ve got Mongo McMicheal, Joe Gomez, and The Renegade. How well do you think this match is going to go? You know, you hear The Horsemen name, but instead of The Horsemen, you get a group with Mongo. It’s like going in for back surgery, and them forgetting the anesthesia, and forgetting to not rape you. Just like that.
Really? Fucking really? One week from the biggest angle in pro-wrestling history, and this Nitro does NOTHING with it. I’m shocked that Larry didn’t start talking about how wasting 2 hours of programing was all started by him back in the day. He then goes on to state that his announcing & wrestling style is kin to getting an STD exam with a wire brush. Something he innovated back in the day, as usual.