On The Path To Buffness
What’s the good word, kids? As you know, your boy is into working out.
I love wrestling, comic books, and action movies, and I think it’s pathetic to be into all of this and not be in shape. Nothing is more obnoxious than some fat-ass nerd trying to talk about how John Cena isn’t a great worker. Despite the fact that the the only workout they do is 12oz bicep curls [taking a sip of their Mt. Dew].
Working out is fucking awesome, and any man, who wants to be considered a man, needs to exercise in some form. There’s no reason to not try and be as big an ass kicker as you can be. Who the fuck wants to be unhealthy? Who the fuck wants to sit around and be a typical American? It’s such an awesome feeling when you work out, and when you notice change.
I know some of you work out, so I thought I’d track some of my progress here, and keep you guys in check. I can also offer advice for anyone out there looking to get into working out and/or weight-loss.
Back in 2003, I weighed 220lbs. Which isn’t much, but for me it was quite a lot. I was uber-fat. My boys and I had got our licenses in 2000/2001, so we stopped walking every where and hit up fast food often. Our favorite thing was what we called The BPB, The Big-Pun Burger. Big Pun was a rapper who weighed about 700lbs, and died of a heart attack. We named the burger so, because we figured if anything could kill you, or turn you into someone that huge, it’d be the BPB. Which was a triple stack burger with bacon. We’d all eat like 5 of those bad bitches a week. Some days I’d eat one or two, then go get some chicken nuggets. Well, after a couple years of that, I got pretty goddamn fat, and got sick of it.
So, I came up with an weight-lifting/running program, combined with a brand new diet. Over the course of about 6 months, I dropped down to 172lb. I was damn thin. However, I was screwing myself. I was working out like a beast, but I wasn’t eating very much, and running way too often. So, as a result of that, I lost a lot of fat, but gained little to no muscle. The straw that broke that camel’s sack was one time while I was at Costco. I use to work there, and they sold cheap protein. So, one day I was buying a tub, and the girl whom I worked with asked me why I was taking it. I said because I worked out, and she got this surprised look on her face and said “What? YOU work out?”. I was fucking crushed. I’d been busting my ass, and you never knew it. Well, after that, I got a girlfriend, and you know how it goes. You just get lazy and complacent. So, I put the weight back on.
Last June, I was sick of being a flabby fuck. It was time to start kicking ass again. I don’t give a fuck about being razor thin with abs. I want to be a fucking machine who could crush your wind-pipe with my boner. I want to have the buffest boner on the block.
So, I started eating 3000-4000 calories a day, and working out like a motherfucker. If anyone wants to know my work-out routine, lemme know. Here’s my current stats [all measurements in inches]:
July 28th –
Biceps – Right: 16 1/4 , Left: 15 3/4
Forearms: Right – 11 1/2, Left: 11 1/4
One-Rep Max Bench: 130lb
Biceps: Right – 17 1/2, Left: 17
Forearms: Left & Right – 12
Calves: Right & Left – 17
One-Rep Max Bench: 240lbs
Yeah, so as you can see, I’m kicking ass. I want to get up to 275lb. That’ll be about 40lbs of muscle I’ve packed on since I began. I have no real desire to be ripped up like Taylor Lautner, but instead I’d rather be built like a line-backer or something. Just a ton of awesome muscle.