Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. – The Essential Moments of Dwight K. Schrute

If you’re smart, you watch The Office. For me, it’s 2nd only to Married With…Children. Yes, it even beats out Seinfeld, which is landmark for me. The first 3 seasons of Seinfeld aren’t that great, but every season of The Office is fucking dynamite. With Steve Carell leaving the series, some people wonder if the show will be able to survive, and although it’ll be a big hit, they have enough fantastic characters on the show to carry on. One of those, of course, is the Scranton Sasquatch – Dwight Kurt Schrute. Purple belt. Hunting expert. Former Assistant To The Regional Manager. Here, we’ll take a look at 5 of his finest moments. Avidazane.

 

“…I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic…”
Dwight removes the face from the CPR Dummy – Season 5 – Stress Relief

This is a classic Dwight moment for all reasons. They’re forced into a CPR training course because Dwight trapped everyone in the building and made it seem as if they would all burn alive. Due to this, Stanley had a heart attack. Of course, Dwight sarcastically claims he’s responsible for the heart attack because “I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise.”

Well, after Kevin can no longer keep the chest compressing going, the dummy is pronounced dead. Dwight feels the next logical step is to harvest the organs. As people turn away in disbelief, Dwight takes it upon himself to cut off the dummy’s face, in homage to Silence of the Lambs. If you ask me, the CPR teacher should have paid Dwight for teaching her what to do when a legless, armless person dies. I just hope the next time I come across this situation, the dude is better looking than me, although I do believe that’ll be pretty hard to do. Unless I run across a legless, armless Ryan Reynolds.

“Apologize”
Dwight gives a proverbial snowball drop-kick to Jim’s face. – Classy Christmas – Season 6

Jim always gets the upper hand on Dwight. So, when it came to the snowball fight, we all thought this probably wouldn’t be any different. What we didn’t expect was Dwight to be as big a bad-ass at snowball fighting as I am in chick banging, dude fighting, and bull wrestling.

The first 3 times I saw this, every time Dwight is wearing the Pam wig, I thought it was Pam, even though I’d seen it twice before. The snowball present was as awesome as when I get a rocking boner, and the chick can only describe it as “rocking”. Man, I rule sometimes.

“I plan on plastering this pervert’s face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide”
Dwight hunts the flasherWomen’s Appreciation – Season 3

Sometimes when you’re a master sleuth you can miss small details. Such as when you’re the face on the poster that you’ve been posting all around town. It happened to me once. I’m sure you all remember that big ordeal a few years ago when the world’s most bitchin’ penis was discovered. Well, it took me a while of seeing the photos before I realized it was mine. Boy, was my face red. Red from putting a guy in a sleeper hold because his girlfriend was checking me out while she was wearing a Beyonce t-shirt. That shit don’t fly with me.

Phyllis is flashed outside of the building, and Dwight of course assigns himself the sole member of the Anti-Flashing Task Force. His first order of business is to jam his vampire hunting stake into the bushes, just in case the naked guy in a trench coat felt that to be the appropriate hiding spot. He has Pam take Phyllis’ description to draw up a sketch of the pervert, and low and behold. Easily one of the funniest things ever from The Office.

“Halfsies?” “No, wholesies”

“Bow down before RECYCLOPS!!”
The evolution of Recyclops – Shareholder Meeting – Season 6

If you’re a man, you’ve got an alter-ego. If you’re an uber-man, you don’t give a crap about all this THINK GREEN stuff. Never before have the two gone hand and hand so well, as with the birth, and evolution of Recyclops. If you’re going to do battle with these fad-loving assholes who tout carbon-neutral this, and green-that, you’ll need a boomerang, samuari sword, and sais. Duh. Let us learn the history of the one they call, Recyclops.

“I’ll take the Wizard!”
Dwight gets revenge on mall workers – Counseling – Season 7

In my personal favorite moment, Dwight has a major falling out with a shop at the mall. The people who work here are wussies, and have a problem with someone showing up in overalls, and seemingly blood soaked hands. Dwight, wanting nothing more than a pewter Wizard holding a crystal he was shunned at the door. Wanting revenge, Dwight receives the aid of Andy and Jim.

Through Kelly, they adopt the Pretty Woman revenge plot. Where, as Dwight says, a sex worker who was insulted a few days before, shows back up with all the trappings of wealth, and makes the employees regret their previous actions.

They get Dwight looking real sharp, and teach him how to act as a rich man. Using things such as “please”, “thank you”, “good day” and the like.

Once they reach the store, we find out why Dwight was shunned, and as he’s trying to refrain from hurling insults, he just keeps sputtering things like “thank you” and “good morning”.

Of course, I couldn’t find a photo of Dwight looking like a million bucks, but if you’re smart, you’ve seen it.

Naturally, he isn’t suppose to buy the Wizard then, but as they go to leave, he takes the Wizard.

Of course, that’s one way or revenge, me personally, I go the Rambo way and blow the whole town up. If you think there’s any other way to go about it, it doesn’t matter, because you’re obviously a woman.

 

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~ by Caliber Winfield on December 30, 2010.

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