Top 5: Moments from RoboCop
As you may have heard, they’re remaking RoboCop. These soulless bastards. RoboCop is one of those movies that you simply cannot remake. You wouldn’t try and remake Star Wars, would you? Or Rocky? Or Goodfellas? Didn’t think so, and this is one of those. It has a perfect look and feel to it. That awesome, industrial futuristic look that all late 80’s early 90’s movies had when showing our future. They are not going to be able to recapture that. Plus, you KNOW that ED-209 is going to be fucking CGI. He’ll probably do backflips and arm-wrestle elephants. Motherfuckers.
So, because of their injustice, we’re going to revisit the original classic and it’s Top 5 crowning moments. Let’s dig it, creep.
ED-209 was suppose to be the leanest and meanest in new citizen protection technology. On it’s first demonstration however, it blew a guy the fuck away. Seeing ED-209 for the first time was incredible. Of course, it was probably more of a big deal for me than others, because when ED-209 roars to life, it sounds exactly like my boner when it roars to life. Uncanny, really.
You didn’t expect Kinney to bite the big one, but boy howdy did he. It’s an incredible shot, with the massive ED-209 looming in the conference room, dual .50 caliber machine guns literally ripping apart a body. It’s awesome.
RoboCop’s first night out on the town is rather effective. After stopping a store robbery, he heads back out on the road. Before arriving to the scene, two guys end up catching up with an unlucky woman. They cut her hair, and, I believe they have intentions of probably stealing a kiss from her without her permission. Thankfully, RoboCop shows up and delivers our number 4 moment.
One of the guys grabs the girl and hides behind her while placing a knife to her throat. Using his targeting system, Robo aims at the girls dress and let’s it rip. The bullets tear through the dress and blow the dudes fun-patch all to hell. Which, if you ask me, is exactly what should happen to all rapists. Blow their cock off, and throw’em in a hole until it fixes itself. Anyways, after seeing this, the other guy surrenders. Pretty smart deal, I’d say. Ever since then I always put a vest on my penis. Not that I plan on raping anyone, it’s just that some jealous person might try and take my member out. No way, Jose.
When Robo gets his memory back and remembers who basically turned him into a cyborg, he aims for a little bit of revenge. Knowing where Clarence and his gang hang out, he decides to show up, unannounced and without a reservation. It’s a classic piece of action cinema as bullets, blood, and coke are flying every where. There’s a ton of guards around, but they’re nothing but cannon fodder for our boy, Murphy.
Eventually, when the coke dust has settled, it’s just Robo and Clarence. The usual Miranda Rights reading and hand-cuffs aren’t going to do it, so he tries a new tactic; throwing him through a ton of plate-glass windows.
The Director, Paul Verhoeven did a brilliant job with this, as we see most of it through the eyes of RoboCop. It’s awesome seeing Clarence soaring through all the glass, and Robo holding him face to face as he asks who he works for. Clarence doesn’t give the response Robo’s looking for as he spits blood all over his eye piece, again, in a point of view shot. He finally does answer, while his face is literally a mash up of glass, blood, and cuts.
It’s the 2nd moment here, but in my Top 5 Death Scenes, it’s hands down number 1. There’s always scenes in movies where you get that feeling of dread. Where you think “that’s the last place I’d ever want to me”. Well, for me, it’s always been this scene. Murphy thinks he has the drop on two of the bad guys, but then all of a sudden he’s surrounded. And they’re not dealing in small arms here, either. After Clarence blows his fucking hand off, Murphy’s left to die in front of a firing squad that’s loaded with shot-guns. Not to mention, he’s wearing body armor from head to toe, so he’ s gonna stop a good portion of the bullets for a minute, while still taking all the pain. It’s fucking brutal, and to be honest, when I watch RoboCop, I usually skip this scene.
For those of you who are still men in training and haven’t seen this, I’ve included it. Also, in order to repent for your sin against burliness, you’re to watch 5 Arnold movies, and drop kick someone who’s buying a snuggie into a cactus.
Oh man. Meet the original Toxic Avenger. See, it’s things like this that make RoboCop so extremely bad-ass, original, and something that SHOULDN’T BE REMADE.
While the gang of baddies are hunting down RoboCop in the abandoned warehouse on foot, Leon decides to bomb around in their awesome bad-guy mobile. Which, if you ask me, is a bit stupid for a get-away car. Usually, when trying to out run things, it’s best if your vehicle of choice doesn’t hoof it at a cool dickMPH.
Anyways, he’s got Robo in his sites and cranks the vehicle up to jackshitMPH. Well, RoboCop, being a 2-3 ton cyborg, with the speed of areyoukiddingme?, he’s able to dodge to the van after dumping a few bullets into the windshield. Welp, Leon doesn’t hit Robo. He crashes face-first into an old school, giant vat of toxic waste. Back in the 80’s, toxic waste was a big deal in movies. You were always seeing, or hearing about that shit. Well, in Roboland, it does a big deal to you. As you see up there.
He wonders around, trying to get help from his friends. Just what exactly did he expect them to do? Get a few band-aids? A scalp massage or something? His scalp was down by his cock. His buddies were a little freaked out, needless to say. Now, Clarence is bombing around in his brand new SUX, and isn’t being a very attentive motorist. Toxic blob, terrible motorist, that shit equals the number one moment as blood, guts, and toxic waste EXPLODE over the entire car. No joke. His body fucking explodes in a bomb-like explosion of blood that catapults his head onto the hood of the car. Last time I watched it with my friend Peter, he insisted we re-wind it like 3 times.
Again, it’s reasons like this why RoboCop cannot be remade. The studio assholes will probably make all the awesome blood and guts CGI. Or just cut it out all together. Motherfuckers.
So, there you have it. Next time your grandmother asks what you think the Top 5 Moments in Robocop are, you can answer her. You can also punch her in the fucking ovaries when she tries to say that the stupid robotic ninja from part 3 is cool.