The Only Review of The Green Hornet That You’ll Ever Need

The Green Hornet
January 14th, 2011

I remember when I was 10 years old, my friend I rode our bikes down to Fred Meyer [it’s a local store here in Washington] to get some masks. They had these lone ranger masks that were made of black plastic and had strings attached. I also bought green spray paint and then we immediately raced home. Once there, we broke open the spray paint and colored one of the masks green. Once dried, it was official, I was now The Green Hornet, and he, my faithful sidekick, Kato. My dad use to tell me about The Green Hornet from when he use to watch it as a kid, and it sounded awesome. When the FX channel came along when I was 10, they aired a ton of old school things, especially from the 60’s-70’s. Amongst those shows aired was Batman, and finally, for my viewing pleasure, The Green Hornet. I was a huge Bruce Lee fan, and I had quite the 10 year old rockin’ pre-teen mega boner over my discovery. I loved it. When this movie came out, SyFy aired two days worth of marathons of the show, and you know what? It stood the test of time. People died. Hardcore fights. Shoot outs. Car chases. It’s a really well done show.

The movie? Not so much.

I like Seth Rogen, I do. I think he’s a really funny guy, and I really can’t think of a movie that he’s in that I don’t enjoy. Knocked Up, Superbad, Fanboys, Pineapple Express, 40 Year Old Virgin, Funny People [very underrated], Zack & Miri Make a Porno. However, he was greatly mis-cast here. Not only that, he just shouldn’t have been hired to write the movie. They wanted to make this a buddy cop kind of film, sort of like Pineapple Express, but you just can’t do it with The Green Hornet. If he wanted to make his own superhero, maybe, but don’t fuck with The Green Hornet mythos. It’s just not the kind thing you can really turn into a heavy comedy. Everything about it is just way too smooth and cool to turn it into a stoner type film. The car. The weapons. Everything. It’s just not a mytho that can be turned on it’s head like that.

The comedy is very much what you’d expect from Seth Rogen. Except, it’s  just not that funny, because the material they have to work with just isn’t that funny. Now, since they’re trying to be funny, the action completely suffers. I mean, The Black Beauty breaks in half, and they ride it up an elevator and drive it around an office shooting guns and missiles. I know that action films can be over the top, but this was just stupid. Another thing that was completely unessecary, is when Kato goes into action, he’s like The Terminator. Everything goes into slow motion, and he’s able to zero in on all the weapons as they turn red. It’s just odd, to be honest.

Also, a hero is really only interesting if he has cool bad guys to fight. Here, in the start, we think we might have a cool villain, but honestly, the character gets the same treatment as the rest of the film and just comes off as a fucking goof. That’s what really hampered the film for me.

Now, I try not to be completely negative, unless it needs it, so I’ll point out the good things.

In the TV show, Britt Reid’s secretary knows that he’s The Hornet, and she has a major fem-boner for him, yet he’s clueless. In this one, the secretary is super brainy, and older than Britt, who wants to grab her boobies and get his honk on. Unfortunately, the secretary is played by Cameron Diaz, and besides not being hot since The Mask, she has the boobies of a 12 year old boy. Anyways, both Kato and Britt want her, and she wants nothing to do with him. So, with her kind of being a motherly figure is pretty cool, plus she’s a mastermind of sorts when it comes to criminal dealings. Also in the television series, the DA knows of Britt’s secret identity and they’re buddies. In the movie, they’re just acquaintances, so we get to see that relationship start off.

In the end, it’s just a poorly made film that can’t decide what it wants to be, and suffers greatly. They need to shoot a reboot instead of a sequel, and this time use Kevin Smith’s original script.

* * 1/2 stars out of 5

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~ by Caliber Winfield on May 3, 2011.

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