Man Movie Encyclopedia: Timecop

Movie: Timecop
Star: Jean-Claude Van Damme
Year: 1994
Director: Peter Hyams

Time travel is a dangerous thought. Someone could go back and do whatever they’d like, and change the future in unimaginable ways. So, who the fuck would you want protecting the laws of time travel?


You’re goddamn right. By the way, that’s how Van Damme stops a purse snatcher, well, at least on film. He’s such a burly dude, I’d imagine that in real life that guy would walk into the end of a Van Damme boner. Hell yeah.

It’s the year 1994, and we’ve figured out how to time travel. While that’s an incredible break through, it also raises a lot of problems. So, they decide to assemble a police force used solely in policing those who time travel with intent to change the future for their gain.

Later, Van Damme is at the mall with his wife, who’s Sloan from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. It’s my guess that Van Damme was chilling, and Bueller tried to sing a Beatle’s song at a restaurant to avoid paying the check. This annoyed Van Damme, because he was probably boning a chick in the bathroom, and heard the song. Now, as a real man, he’ll give up sex so he can go insult someone for their crappy taste in music. He goes out there, see’s Beuller has a hot chick, so, it’s a roundhouse, and Sloan is diggin the french accent, and the fact he’s doing the splits while paying his check. Anyways, he’s at the mall with her, at which point he sees some guy purse snatching, and there we go. He decides after saving the day, it’s time to go bone his wife. He does just that, and right afterward he wants to get the hell away from her before she starts talking about something stupid, like her feelings, or whine about how did the splits at her mother’s funeral. So, as he’s leaving, he’s attacked, and his house blows all to hell.

Fast forward 10 years, it’s 2004, and it’s the future to end all futures. Time travel. Cars that look like pieces of the Death Star that drive for themselves and can take you where ever you’d like. Things we’ve had for years, baby. Van Damme is now a timecop, and obviously one of, if not their best. He’s sent back to 1929, because a former partner of his is fucking with the stock market, and making himself an S-ton of money. Well, after Van Damme subdues a few people, he arrests the man he’s been looking for. While in custody, the guy spills his cuts about how Senator McComb sent him back, and has been forcing him and others to aquire money for him so he can run for the presidency. Van Damme, who’s known as Max Walker, wants him to testify. Atwood won’t, because he says McComb will kill his entire family, past and present. Walker doesn’t care, because families are for homos. Atwood jumps out the window and calls it good.

Back at the TEC Headquarters, McComb shows up. On a guided tour of the place,  which McComb feels the whole TEC thing is unnecessary, he gets to talking to Walker, who makes it very obvious to him that he knows what he’s up to, and that’s that. McComb lets it known to Walker that he knows what he’s talking about, and oh, it’s on, son. McComb, knowing that Walker’s sexy future hair and man-scowl [which, should be the facial feature of any man. It should be either a scowl, or a smile, which is really just the scowl turned upside down because you’re doing that awesome upside down twirling spin kick thing that Chun-Li does] are going to be major trouble, he has a hit put out on’em.

Walker heads home and decides to have dinner. Dinner is rum. Which is like Popeye’s spinach to a real man. Now, because he’s in a rockin’ mood, he just drinks until he’s dead to the world. Now, even though he’s drank himself to near coma, he’s still sharp enough to know that he’s about to be tazzered in the face. So, he jumps up and kicks the holy hell out of the guy. He then has a knife fight with a guy, and implores a super burly technique, of basically just holding the knife while the other guy swipes at it. When that ceases to work, Walker just moves the blade left to right and such like a windshield whipper, rendering the knife guy useless. After whooping that guy, he whoops another, then spills a bunch of water on the floor. Another bad guy, who’s come to, sees this, and shoots 50,000 volts of tazer into the water. Well, if this asshole had seen any of Van Damme’s movies, he’d know that he’s the master of splits. He can do’em on chairs, in the air, he can do’em with one leg, he can do’em in a sarcophagus even. So, it’s no surprise when Walker does an awesome, and probably his best, set of splits from counter top to counter top, thus frying the baddie, and leaving Walker bone dry, and zombie hunter cool.

Walker is assigned a new partner, and on a mission to stop another rouge time traveler, they find out it’s McComb, and attempt to stop him. Amidst this, Walker’s new partner turns on him and and reveals she’s with the future president, McComb. Now, because McComb is a man, he knows that this girl is probably just going to go on and on about how she fooled Walker, because Lord knows that when a girl does something note worthy, which is about once a year, they never shut up about it. Anyways, McComb thought about this, and decided to kill her instead of put up with it.

It turns out what McComb was doing in the past was fixing a mistake he made with a former partner. He was into computers with a guy, and while the company was down, McComb was bought out, and then the company went big time. Well, McComb went back and killed the guy, so he was the sole owner. Now that Walker has gone back to the future, it’s a McComb owned world, and they’re tearing down the TEC Head Quarters. Walker realizes there isn’t anything good on TV that night, so he decides to go back in time and fix things.

Once there, he sees he has a chance to fix everything. Get McComb, save his wife [who was also pregnant, but never told Walker, he found out mid-point in the movie] and record the episode of In Living Color where Tommy Davidson plays a karate teacher who’s stuck in the 70’s. That episode rocks.

So, now he’s back at the house, the night it all went down hill for him. The future looks pretty high-tech, as far as the bad guy’s guns are considered. Laser sights? Pish-tosh. These guys have 13lb Mag-Light flashlights taped to the top of their guns. So, they can basically shoot someone and use the Bat-signal at the same time. Seriously, it looks like they’re carrying a cinder block. Well, even though they have these  weapons of infinite destruction, they some how forgot that they’d be facing not one, but TWO Walker’s, baby! You put two Van Dammes in the same room, and they could fight a tank, like Street Fighter II style.

As with anyone who tries to take on the Van Dammes, the mission fails. McComb’s future and past self wind up at the same place, and future Walker pushes them together, thus violaiting the main rule of that no two matter of the same kind can occupy the same space, so they turn into a gnarly blob of pain and suffering. Honestly, I’d rather that then have to meet the end of Van Damme’s size 30 boot. Agree? Agreed. Anyways, Walker returns to the future, where everything is right as rain. Except he’s fucked himself, because now he has a nagging wife, and a kid who’s probably going to let him down and suck by being some obnoxious vegan or something. So, it ends on a sour note, but the rest is gravy, baby.

This is one of Van Damme’s best, and a perfect example of early 90’s action/sci-fi flicks. Where every one thought they knew exactly what the future was going to look like, and of course it’s nothing like that. It’s an interesting story, and pretty well done. The action scenes imply the KISS rule, of Keep It Simple, Stupid. The fights are crisp and sharp. Both sci-fi and action fans a like are very much going to dig this.

Official Man Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
1-Liners: 4
Guys Beat Up: 14
Guys Killed: 15
Swear Words: 31
Boobs: 4
Slow-Motion Scenes: 11
Explosions: 3
Car Chases: 0
Chases on Foot: 2
Broken Bones: 0
Fight at a Motel? No
Guy Get Girl? Yes
Guy Smoke Cigarettes? No

One-Liners:
Walker: Read between the lines [Van Damme to the purse snatcher who’s looking at the soles of his boots]

Walker: Looks like safe sex to me [in reference to a guy having virtual sex]

Walker: That’s gotta hurt [after shooting a dude in the groin]

Walker: I should have said freeze [after a guy gets sprayed with liquid nitrogen, his arm freezes and shatters]

Man Facts:
Before time traveling, Van Damme chews gum, a black gum that was created in Japan and that Van Damme did commercials for.

Timecop was originally a comic book, published by Dark Horse Comics.

Box-Office Business:
27 million budget, brought in a cool 101 million. Van Damme was on fire.

Trailer:

Rating:

4 and a quarter Head-Butts out of 5

– Caliber

Advertisements

~ by Caliber Winfield on May 9, 2011.

5 Responses to “Man Movie Encyclopedia: Timecop”

  1. Great review, Caliber. Ironically, a couple of days ago I saw a really good underrated Van-Damme movie called Replicant. But then again, just about anything with Van-Damme kicks ass.

  2. As a sidenote to your joke earlier, if Van-Damme had his way he’d probably kill Ferris Bueller for being such a wuss and spawning one of the worst T-Shirts of all time. Although I will admit I loved Matthew Broderick’s performance in Election.

  3. Replicant is awesome. It’s funny, most actors will never do a movie where they play themself as twins, or clones, or whatever. Some will do it once. Van Damme has done it THREE FREAKING TIMES. That’s just incredible.

    Haha, what t-shirt? Free Ferris?

    Man, I knew you were smart. Election is awesome! I just watched it again the other day, and it’s as awesome as always, and very underrated.

    It’s nice to read an intelligent post after the crap I’m forced to dig through over at Blog of Doom.

  4. Pretty close, the T-shirt was Save Ferris. I remember years ago on the Tonight Show’s Headlines segment, they showed an ad that had this douchebag-looking guy smiling while wearing the shirt and then showed an ad with the same guy wearing I kid you not, a Powerpuff Girls shirt. I laughed my ass off for almost a week after that.

  5. Save Ferris, that’s it. Yeah, I’ve seen that bad boy every where. There’s even a ska band named that.

    I built a msg board for the people for Blog of Doom, so the people who are smart, and have intelligent shit to say, and aren’t assholes, can all convene in one place and bullshit.

    Anyways, it’s at http://boardforpeople.proboards.com/index.cgi and if you’d like to be a moderator and such, just let me know and we’ll see to it.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: