The Saved By The Bell Archives: All in The Mall

As a kid, growing up in the early 90’s, there was really nothing greater on TV than Saved By The Bell. Although the show gets flack and such, there’s a reason they haven’t been able to re-create the formula. They targeted in on so many demographics with this show, and hit all the sweet spots. Every kid I knew wanted to be Zack Morris. He was funny, suave, always got in trouble then got away with it. Kelly Kapowski was so hot it damn near put me in a wheel chair, and I’m sure it’s well known that she’s still unbelievably gorgeous.

For some, Zack wasn’t there thing, so there was also Slater. He too was a good looking guy who was built. For those who just didn’t aspire to be cool, there was Screech. A character who was part genius, and seemingly mentally ill. That’s no joke. If you asked Screech for a pencil, he’d come back to you 45 minutes later with plans for a back-alley abortion behind the Jiffy Lube.

For the girls, they had the option of being the everything girl, Kelly, the brainiac with awesome legs, Jessie, or the spoiled Princess, Lisa.

It was slapstick, animated, and completely over the top and ridiculous over the times, and those are some of the strongest reasons why it’s still awesome to watch. That, and Kelly

Let’s get to business, shall we?

Tonight’s episode: All in the Mall. Zack and the gang find $10,000 in cash, only for it to belong to some gangsters who chase them through out the mall in a man-hunt to get it back.

We start off with the gang arriving at the mall, in order to purchase tickets to that hot, young, rock and roll band, U2. How will they score close seats? Well, of course, Screech slept over night in front of the booth. Which, is inside the mall. As anyone knows, a mall will have no problem with a civilian hanging in the mall after hours.

As natural, Screech fucks it up and walks out of line. As the gang commiserates at some benches, Lisa finds a bag containing $5,000. The stack is about as big as a cinder block, leading me to believe that the criminal mastermind who left the $5,000  makes sure to get all of his dealers and such to pay him in $1 bills. Everyone wants to spend it, but of course Kelly wants to leave it. Of course, Kelly the wet blanket. She’s also probably the type who doesn’t like playing the fantasy rape game when she isn’t told that’s what we’re playing. Anyways, they decide to buy a bunch of U2 tickets, and scalp them, then give the money back.

Once they get back to the line, well, it’s steep. So, of course, they tempt the fat guy out of line with ice cream. I would have used Ryu’s Dragon Uppercut, which would have been super-awesome, and probably the best part of that nerd’s day. Next, we have some nerd girls, you can tell from the glasses and pig-tails. Either that, or they’re in porn. Zack and Slater get them out of line by being studs. Next time I want to cut in a line, please know that my dick is going to come out. They get rid of three guys by Lisa & Kelly dropping their backs, and these assholes rush to help them. Pssh, even if I wasn’t in line and that happened, my dick would STILL come out. One more to go, and it’s an old black lady. She informs them to go to hell, because she never misses a U2 concert. They gotta give the old hag 200 before she leaves to go and have a stroke, or whatever else old people do. Which is nothing.

Not that I need a reason to post a picture of Kelly, but I had to post this. This was a publicity shot. For things like VHS, and magazines for kids/teenagers. Are you fucking kidding me? This shit is filthy, and awesome.

They find out that due to high demand, there’s been a 2nd concert. Booya, baby. They decide to camp out at the mall to get the best tickets, and until then they go on shopping sprees. Zack then does what anyone would do in a crowded, southern California mall, stand with a big wad of money and start passing it out. Well, amazingly, they notice two thugs, who early ID themselves to one another as Vinnie and Louie, and they’re upset the kids took the cash.

At the movie theater, they see the same thugs. They decide to leave without attracting attention, so, one at a time, they all act like they’re going to the bathroom. Since they leave with about half a second apart, the bad guys catch on.

They decide they’re going to camp out in the tent inside the sporting goods store. After a distraction, they all pile in. Well, the guy realizes it’s closing time, turns off the lights, and that’s it. Which, obviously that’s how stores close. They don’t count cash, arrange the store to look good in the morning, do a drop of cash for the evening, just lights out, and then my dick would come out.

Morning is here, and the gang is in full hatch-the-plan mode. Only one problem, the shoe box they stashed the cash in is empty. Dejected, they realize the other box must be at the shoe store, where, like any shoe store, every box is identical. No numbers or anything. If you want a shoe from the back, you either get it yourself or fuck off. There’s one box left unchecked, and just as Zack grabs it, the old lady from yesterday just saunters in and snags it. Fucking old people. See, this is why they should be euthanized, without their permission. Zack picks up a cactus and clubs the old lady in the face, then they rush off with the money just as the no-good-knicks come a running.

They cleverly disguise themselves as window manicans. Fooling the mobsters, and everyone else. It would be at this point I’d reach over and grab me some Kelly boob. She couldn’t fight me about it, because if she moved, we’d be discovered and dead. So, score one for me.

They get back to the food court and ask the mall cop for help. Now, I’ve worked security. Really, the only thing you can do, is call the police. So, the point of the job is just to dial 911. Oh, and having to deal with new security folk who ask you “why don’t we get guns?” to which I answer “because of that question”. Anyways, the cop reveals that he can’t help, because he’s with the mob guys.

OH.

SNAPS.

But then we realize that it’s all an hilarious gag, and they’re actually on the show Candid Video! So, despite the fact they have them on camera trying to commit the illegal act of ticket scalping, breaking and entering by staying in the tent at the mall, they give them the awesome prize of 5 U2 tickets. Hell yeah.

It’s a fantastic episode, and it’s during a streak were they did episodes that didn’t involve Bayside what so ever. Including the Murder Mystery Tour, Zack Attack, and All in the Mall. The last two don’t have Jessie, which I find odd, but she isn’t missed. These three are actually my favorite eps, because of the outlandishness of it, and my hopes as a child that my life would be filled with awesomeness like that. Which of course it was, so all is well.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on May 18, 2011.

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