Man Movie Encyclopedia: Transporter 2

Movie: Transporter 2
Star: Jason Statham
Year: 2005
Director: Louis Leterrier

The 80’s was the hey-day of the action film. We had super ripped dudes taking on whole armies, busting skulls, and women signing over their souls just to touch the cannon that’s on the tank they’re driving down the highway. Oh wait, that isn’t a cannon. It’s their boner, baby!

The 90’s wasn’t  a bad time either. Come the later part of the decade though, the action movie, as well as the hero, fell to the wayside. Arnold was still rocking, not making classics in the same vein as Terminator, but Eraser, and The 6th Day are really awesome movies. Once the 2000’s got goin, we were in trouble. Van Damme, Seagal, Arnold, they were all gone. Vin Diesel was expected to inherent the throne, but man, shit like Triple X is mostly laughable. At least Pitch Black was awesome. Anyways…

After quite a dry spell, we finally got ourselves a guy who on a first date, takes a girl to a cow field so she can watch him head-butt a cow. And a series of films for this bad-ass to rock through. His name is Frank Martin, and those movies, are The Transporter films. Awesome blending of old-school, over-the-top, one-man-army action mixed with the incredible martial arts choreography and stunts of today.

The Review:

The movie starts off with Frank getting set for an appointment. A hot chick comes up to his window, and says that she needs help with her car. Frank, like any real man, knows you can’t trust a really hot girl for shit. However, it’s probably been about 6 minutes since he’s kicked someone’s face, so he’s game. Of course, he gets out, gets a gun pulled on him, and some hoodlums car jack him. However, the car requires a numeric passcode to start. Frank isn’t willing to share such information, and thus, the baddies try to get physical. In awesome fashion he disarms and beats about 10lb of shit out of 5lb bags out of the guys. That’s on my bucket list. I want to do that to a group of motherfuckers so badly. Anyways, he’s back in and we discover that his new gig is picking a kid up from school.

Of course, like all kids, the first thing he does is demand something. We get home, and realize that Frank is only doing this so he can bang the mom. Of course, like all women, the first thing she does is ask a favor. Or, otherwise known as a demand. She wants Frank to take the kid to the DR. On his day off, of all things. He was probably going to go out and find some people who like How I Met Your Mother and pile drive them into their own vagina. Yes, it’s true, guys who like that show have a vagina.

At this point we meet the bad guys. The mastermind is a latin dude who looks like he does P90X, but no real weight lifting. His right hand man, is actually a chick. Now, in keeping with The Transporter series, the girl in this movie is gross, with absolutely no body. Which is a major bummer, because she wears little to no clothing. The whole movie. Yuck. Their plan is to inject the kid with a toxin that’s airborne, and very contagious. The point of this is to get his father sick, who’s a major political player that’s going to give a big speech to the heads of all the anti-drug enforcement agencies out there.

The night before the DR visit, the mom comes over and has a Transporter job for Frank. She wants him to deliver his penis, into her vagina. He shoots her down though because he has a rockin’ pizza coming over, and as we all know, a pizza trumps a woman any day. But it has to be delivered pizza. If it’s a frozen pizza, well, then obviously the woman is there so she can cook it for you. So, you can repay her by letting her practice her fellatio skills. It’s good for the karma to be giving once in a while. But don’t get crazy, because the bitch will take advantage.

Frank thwarts their DR plan. Honestly, even if it was his normal DR, he probably would have done it anyway. Nothing better than just crackin’ some skulls. Whether or not they deserve it is a moot point. They end up kidnapping the kid and drugging him up anyway, and strapping a bomb on the bottom of Frank’s car. Who then manages to remove the car bomb in what is easily the most believeable, and modest moment in film.

A lot of pussies got their panties in a wad over this scene, saying it was ridiculous. How they managed to take time away from Two and a Half Men to complain is beyond me. Bitches.

Frank creates some cactus-boxing gloves and puts the hurt on some bitches. He gets to the latin dudes house, and does us all a favor by finally killing the gross, gross woman. Once she’s gone, and no longer on screen, the magic spell on my boner is gone, and now I’m able to get boners. While she is around, no penis may ever be bonered.

The bad guy hops on a plane, and demands some Marc Anthony be pumped on the jute box. While he’s taking off, Frank drives up next to him and hops on the landing gear as it goes up. Once in, it’s go time. He beats the hell out of the latin dude as the plane nose dives into the ocean. Frank’s burliness is so burly that even though the plane was going several hundred miles an hour, it hits the water at the impact of a mother bathing a baby. Frank’s got him, and all is well. Small detail I forgot to mention, the bad guy injected all of the antidote in himself, so there we go.

Man Movie Tally:
One-Liners: 1
Guys Beat Up: 34
Guys Killed: 10
Swear Words: 8
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 4
Slow Motion Scenes: 16
Car Chases: 1
Foot Chases: 1
Broken Bones: 2
Fight/Shoot-Out in a Motel: No
Guy Gets The Girl: Could have
Guy Smokes: No

One-Liners:
[Frank has just surprised the bad-guy by appearing on his airplane]

Frank: Your flight’s been canceled.

Man-Facts:
This sequel wasn’t planned. The original Transporter kicked major ass on DVD, so a sequel was given the green light.

It was suppose to be an R-rated film, but once again, the film studios raped us so that way they could try and score more cash by appealing to a wider audience.

Box-Office Business:
Cost $32 million to make, but brought in a cool $43 million.

Trailer:

Rating:

4 and a quarter head-butts out of 5.

Transporter 2 is an awesome movie. I honestly look at The Transporter movies as the Indiana Jones of the 2000’s. They’re just awesome adventure films where you turn your brain off and enjoy the hell out of it. Transporter 2 doesn’t promise to change your life, or teach you things you didn’t know. It’s just a ball-busting film that after watching it makes you think that you too could fight 5 guys at once. Great movie.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on June 6, 2011.

2 Responses to “Man Movie Encyclopedia: Transporter 2”

  1. Hey Caliber, thanks for the review. I love most of Jason Statham’s films. Except for In The Name Of The King, although that film does have more laughs than any of Friedberg and Seltzer’s so-called comedies. In terms of awesomeness though, The Expendables, War and the two Crank movies make The Transporter films look like Barney & Friends. That’s a hell of a feat in itself.

  2. Haha, I never saw In The Name of The King, but I was working at Hollywood when it came out and people absolutely hated it.

    The Expendables is beyond fantastic, I love that movie. One of the top 3 greatest action films ever. It’s incredible.

    War was really great too. I wish that he and Jet Li had more time to fight, and that Jet Li was actually the bad guy. I didn’t need the twist, although it was cool.

    THe Crank films, I’ve only seen the first, and to be honest, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way it was filmed, as it felt like it was just all over the place, and very scatter brain. But I can definitely see why people would like it. It’s an extremely original style of movie, with a lot of great action, and interesting plot. Hell, maybe I’ll have to give it a second look….

    Thanks for the kind words, I’m glad you’re digging the posts.

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