88MPH Reviews: WCW Monday Nitro – 6/22/1998
Well, as Nitro beings we find out that the World has exploded. We now have our main event of Bash at the Beach in that of Hogan & Rodman vs DDP & Karl Malone, and they literally won’t shut up about it. Ted Turner found a way to make a day 25 hours long just so they could talk about this shit-heap of a match more. As I’ve said, it’s the worst match in pro-wrestling. The fact that Hogan demanded a half n hour is fucking criminal. Rodman went out there and was the most unprofessional motherfucker on Earth and made a mockery out of all professionals in any realm. He made a fool out of anyone who paid to see the match, or put in any effort to read about the results.
On the bright side, I truly think at this point wrestling was the hottest it’ll ever be. Both WCW & WWE were running at full steam creatively, and had figure heads that could have been capable of carrying both companies for years to come. Of course, I’m talking about Stone Cold Steve Austin & Glaicer. Stars like Mike Tyson, Malone and Leno brought a bit spot-light on our beloved profession, and sent ticket sales and ratings through the fucking roof.
Anyways, enough retrospect, let’s get into Nitro…
Disco Inferno vs. Some Guy
The guy that Disco is fighting doesn’t get an entrance, and they don’t mention his name. I guess if your name isn’t mentioned, then it can’t be said in the same sentence as “suchandsuch lost to a guy who’s obsessed with disco and imitates John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever”. There really isn’t much to say about this one, other than Some Guy literally looks like a drunk uncle. Like they pulled a guy from the AA meeting next door, and probably had to pay him extra because not even he wanted to lose to a guy with “Shake Your Booty” on his tights.
Kevin Greene comes out for an interview. If it’s something that I’ve learned over the years, its that wrestling fans love it when someone who isn’t involved with wrestling comes out and talks about something other than wrestling. People are really cheering for him to continue talking about another sport, and about a team that is in another state. Greene totally goofs and mentions Goldberg, which just brings the crowd down. They wanna hear more about him and football. The Giant is mad that Greene had the gall to talk about wrestling during an exciting run down about how he’s doing during football practice, so he comes out and attacks him. Boom, our main event.
Tokyo Magnum vs. Yugi Nagata
Tokyo Magnum is also the name for the Asian brand of Magnum Condoms. Which, as we know, Magnums are for dudes who are rocking a big package. Surprisingly, not one Tokyo Magnum has ever been sold. This match was a total squash. Yugi just beats the hell outta this guy.
Public Enemy vs. Horace & Sick Boy
I really didn’t think this match was going to be very good, but honestly, it was decent. It’s one of the longer matches I’ve seen on Nitro in a while. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that Horace is Hogan’s nephew. It’s a pretty basic match-up without much to really comment on. Although it’s pretty funny the two times that Johnny Grunge is being held, so Sick Boy can wind up and sock him, because Grunge both times goes for the “get out of the way” thing, but he’s so fat and slow that he barely moves his head to the side. Enemy wins it.
Goldberg vs Rick Fuller
At this point Goldberg honestly has the easiest job on Earth. No joke. He doesn’t need to have a good match, nor does he need to have a good one. His job is to go out there and kick someones ass for 3 minutes and make millions while doing it. Anyways…Fuller boots Goldberg in the mouth and busts it pretty good, so he’s bleeding from the mush now. Goldberg goes for the spear, but Fuller fucks it up and grabs Goldberg around the waist, so he keeps pushing until Fuller gets it as Goldberg picks him up and slams him down. Announcing still calls this a spear. Easiest job on Earth.
Wolfpac come out for an interview. Nash makes a comment about Goldberg killing Kenny. He’s a little late on trying to be cool with a South Park reference, since the New Age Outlaws had been doing it for 6 months. The interview isn’t much. I saw a sign that said “Sting Me”, and it reminded me of a time I went to 2009’s Elimination Chamber PPV. There was a family in front of me, and the mom had a sign that looked like a classic bomb, you know like from Mario. It said “Batista Bomb Me”. Basically she wanted Batista to fuck her. Pretty simple, I think. Anyways, it was funny because later in the night her 7 year old son kept holding it up. One has to hope that he wasn’t Batista Bombed later that evening.
Alex Wright vs. Eddie Guerrero
I’m not the only one who thinks that Alex’s pseudo-gay gimmick is way better than his overtly-gay gimmick of Berlin. As Eddie comes out, he’s followed by Chavo, who of course is acting bat-shit. This was truly one of WCW’s best ideas. They really drug out the whole Chavo being Eddie’s slave ordeal, and you figured the payout would be pretty bland. However, they hit a home run with Eddie’s abuse basically breaking Chavo’s brain, and thus resulting in Chavo becoming a lunatic that terrified the hell out of Eddie. Alex wins this one.
Oh, it’s finally time for the press conference!
I’m honestly shocked they didn’t go for the mini-fight, you know? Where Rodman slaps Malone’s hat off his head and they scuffle for a second. I remember what a huge deal this was.
Stevie Ray vs. Mongo
Honestly, I was all set to make a joke when I saw that these two were actually going to wrestle each other, but instead they actually surprised me and put on a pretty decent match. Nothing special. Just a lot of power moves and going back and forth, but it worked, and it didn’t feel like someone bigger and stronger than me got a weird mental condition where he thinks I’m his car, and thus tries to drive me. It ends when Stevie Ray looks to use a chair, Benoit intervenes, looks to use it on Stevie Ray, Booker T, dressed as a Mormon, intervenes and grabs the chair from Benoit. Booker then yells at Stevie because he says he was capable of beating Mongo without the chair.
nWo Hollywood interview. They come out for the usual banter. I’m so tired of seeing Bischoff mack all over Liz. Honestly, she has this look on her face like Eric has raped her, and every time he smiles it’s his way of reminding her of it. It’s real creepy. Honestly, it’s amazing that Hogan’s heel schtick went as far as it did. Every single angle with him is the same. Hogan is a bully, he does an interview where he talks about how they aren’t on his level, he flexes a bunch, he just barely wins the big match, rinse, repeat.
Kevin Greene vs. The Giant
Kevin Green does about 6 sort of tackles against The Giant before we get the nWo run. Honestly, from this point on, I’m going to count how many Main Events the nWo run in on. So far, we’re at 3. Anyways, once they start working’em over, you hear cash registers EXPLODE, just have a look see…
I mean, to see this, it’s an absolute marvel, and a monument to the sky built in the ineptitude of WCW, because of the fact they fucked up probably the most simplest thing to ever happen to wrestling. Just look at that crowd reaction. And what do you have to do to earn it? Have short, three-move matches. Never speak. End of story. Like I’ve always said, Goldberg had the easiest gig in the World.
Anyways, it was an alright show. Nothing to great in ring, or out of ring, really. Either way, it’s fun to watch wrestling shows from the peak of wrestling’s popularity.