Top 5: Issues Solved In The Ring

One of the fantastic things about pro-wrestling is that life is solved in the ring. The regular rules of life do not apply.

Let’s say Bill Gates is cashing in 10 million dollars with of stock, well, when he goes to sign the papers, if this were wrestling, I could bum rush him and sign the papers and TADOW, I’m the one getting the millions. I’m never one to be for marriage, I think it’s a shitty deal for the guy, and just a mess. Regardless, even if I was for the idea of marriage, I’d be terrified of having one, because the pastor would reveal himself to be a long-lost girlfriend who’s mad at me for dumping her. So, she’d knock me out, and have her new boyfriend jump in and marry my girlfriend just to scorn me, and then get divorced so they would get half my money [don’t ask how on Earth that would even work, this is a marriage written by Russo]. Like I said, I love the life rules of wrestling.

So, I thought I’d talk about my Top 5 favorite issues that have been solved in the ring. Let’s get to it.

Shane McMahon vs Test – Love Her or Leave Her – Summerslam 1999
There was a time when I was in love with my best friend’s sister. Bottom line, it ended up with me not getting the girl, and losing my best friend in the process. See, if this was the simple world of wrestling, we would have just gone out on a date, and right before we started kissing or something, my friend would have bashed me with a steel chair, and then Scott Steiner would have come out and started sexually harrassing the girl on the spot.

“You like dease arms babay?! Someone hit me wit a chair and da chair just turned into a stupid fat person cuz it was afraid, baby! And I beat the person and did their girlfriend!”

Then we could have had a match to see if I’m worthy of her or not. Test was given that opportunity in the Greenich Street Fight, which came with lamp posts and street signs and the whole like. Shockingly, it was a decent match, and an incredibly stupid feud.

Big Bossman vs. Al Snow – Kennel From Hell Match Because You Killed My Dog – Unforgiven 1999
Someone kills your dog, and while that itself is terrible, what would be even worse is being tricked into eating the animal. What’s the only proper recourse for something like this? Call the police? The ASPCA? Again, that’s just some complicated crap that you wouldn’t have to deal with in real life.

No, what you do is wrestle inside of a cage that’s surrounded by a bunch of really mean, fierce dogs. That way, the person who’s wronged you can really get a sense of what they’ve done. We all heard about that case in New York when that 18 year old had sex with a 16 year old, and had to wrestle her father in a lumberjack match where all the lumberjacks were hot 16 year olds. I mean, just wrestling in a normal match is stupid. How is the guy gonna learn then? No, he has to have fear pump through his body like an adrenaline shot to the heart.

Of course, what ended up happening was that since no dog is naturally viscous unless turned into it by some sack of shit who should be shot in the fucking head, the dogs just sat there crapping and trying to hump each other. One of the most infamous matches of all time.

Matt Hardy vs Kane – Till Death Do Us Part – SummerSlam 2004
See, there are a lot of cases where two guys wanted a girl. In some cases, the guy is a total nut job, and a rapist and the such. So, being an awesome fiance, how do you protect your girl? You tell the guy who’s harassing you both that you’ll fight him, and if he wins, she HAS to marry you. Nevermind what the girl wants. She must abide by the rules set forth.

I was watching Court TV once, and there was a couple who were engaged and going on a stroll in New York. Well, a guy jumped them, knocked the bad guy out, and raped the girl. So, the judge set it up that the soon to be husband had to then fight the rapist, and if he beat him, the rapist had to stop with rape. However, if he won, the girl had to marry him. So, I assume that’s where the WWE got the idea for that brilliant story.

 Stone Cold vs. Triple H – You Have Me Ran Over So Now We’ll Have A Match – Survivor Series 2001
So, someone sets it up to have you run over. An attempt on your life, but at second best, will just try to kill your lively hood. What’s the best recourse for this? But of course, you must fight! Then, you put him in a car, and drop it from 50ft in the air. Killing him live on national TV. But of course, it’s not attempted murder when you’re in a match that’s a response to your attempted murder. Stone Cold has been arrested for assaulting Vince McMahon, but trying to kill a man in an automobile? Why, you’ll be sentenced to that age old punishment of Three Stages of Hell at the Februrary PPV! Man, I remember that’s why the riots went down after the Rodney King verdict. Innocent? Let’em go?! No Parking Lot Brawl?! What kinda crap is this?! Vince Russo book that court room outcome?! I will say though, the match is easily my favorite between Stone Cold and Triple H, great brawl.

The only thing more ridiculous than trying to deal with attempted murder in a match, is….

Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio – Custody of Dominick Ladder Match – SummerSlam 2005
[a discussion between two custody case workers]

Susan: So, where are you off to today?
Rachel: Oh, you know, it’s another hum drum day of the same’ ol. This one guy, he’s been the father to his 10 year old for the last 10 years. Well, all of a sudden, a former friend of his, who’s a viscous, lying, manipulative psycho came out with the fact that he’s the father. So, while the honest, hard working father who’s been with the kid since birth, and wears a mask, should have the rights to the kid, we felt it best to have them fight for it in a ladder match.
Susan: Oh, another one of those? Geez, it’s like Groundhog Day…

I mean, seriously! Grown men sat down and thought this out, and felt that it was ace material, and it must be put on TV! I mean, even if Eddie was the biological father, his past history, and his current actions wouldn’t have even been made for consideration for him to be the rightful father. However, if he gets the briefcase, then that’s written in stone, buddy! The custody worker is at ringside to make sure there’s no shenanigans.
So, there we have it. As long as there’s wrestling, we’re always going to have every problem in life solved by having a match. What an awesome concept.

Now, I just gotta wait and find out where Bill Gates is gonna be next….

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~ by Caliber Winfield on July 7, 2011.

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