The Power Rangers: Green With Evil – Part I

He might look like a bad-ass. He might look like the guy you want to bring home to mom, but trust me, this guy is Green With Evil…

Netflix recently added the original Power Rangers series to their streaming selection. I was obsessed with the Rangers as a kid, I watched their debut episode in 93, and continued as a die hard fan for at least a year. I bought all the merchandise they had, from the action figures, to the morpher, weapons, you name it. My favorite hands down, was Tommy, The Green Ranger, and my favorite thing involving him was when he first debuted, the 5 part mini-series Green With Evil. There were days when I’d rush to school to tell my best friend of the going on’s that happened on Rangers. So, here, for your viewing pleasure, the recap of the Power Ranger’s greatest saga, Green With Evil.

You know, before we get into it, why the FUCK would Zordon want teenagers? Teenagers are stupid, unreliable, and assholes. If I was with a chick with a 40 inch ass I wouldn’t give a good goddamn if I were the only one left to save the World. Earth would just have to wait. No fucking way. Plus, what teenager doesn’t party? How many times would they have driven the Megazord with a buzz on? How many times would one of those idiots lose their communicator?

It’s morphin’ time…

It starts off with the Angel Grove Martial Arts Expose. Why not? Because there’s two requirements to live in Angel Grove is A] you must not hold the city accountable for any damage to your place of living due to large monsters doing battle with large robots, B] you must be really obsessed with martial arts. Martial arts must come before your family, and yourself. Also, they’ll eventually amend the 2nd part of the Angel Grove Agreement that not only must you be obsessed with martial arts, but you must come watch these 6 obnoxious teenagers perform in their martial arts exposes that take place 9 times a week.

Jason’s up. His competition is Tommy, whom we get our first look at. Does about 3 jumping spin kicks in a row, thus letting everyone know who the man is. Rita takes notice, as we venture to her castle…

Fucking Goldar…he was obviously just one of those repressed gay dudes who had to over comepensate by being uber-straight. I mean, who wants an outfit made entirely out of gold besides a gay? They speak of their plans to do wrong with their own version of a Power Ranger coin. Back at the meet…

Jason isn’t doing well, as Tommy is getting up there in points. Shit, 4 seconds left, and Jason does it! Match ends in a draw, so that way everyone wins, because that’s the way we do it!

Man, these assholes are always wearing their respective colors, way to be incognito. Seriously, the news, people around town, they always see the Power Rangers. They always see 5 people grouped together, who have suits in red, green, yellow, black, and pink. So what do these kids do? The 5 of’em that ALWAYS hang out? They always wear, from fucking head to toe the same colors of their ranger suits. Didn’t Zordon talk about laying low? That’s another thing, the male members of the group would have used their fame as Rangers to get pussy. It’d be a week before some drunk sophomore got finger-banged in the Megazord.

Bulk & Skull try to hit on Kimberly, and she wants nothing of it. So, they say they’re gonna teach her a lesson. Which must mean either they’re going to beat her up, or rape her. My oh my. Tommy shows up, and they say they’re going to teach HIM a lesson. So they’re either going to beat him up, or rape him. Tommy does a bunch of kicks and punches, and for some reason that scares the hell out them, and they back off. Well, Rita does some spell stuff, and now we’re gonna see if Tommy has what it takes, by taking on some members of the Puddy Patrol. Seriously? That’s the test? I suppose if you want to become President of the United States you have to play the board game Memory with an Alzheimer’s patient. Well, big shock, he beats a couple clumsy guys made from clay, and Rita believes him to indeed be her guy. Now with the power, he invades the Command Center…

Alpha is a total gaybot, it’s really funny looking back on it, because he is very much a gay man. Dude, The Green Ranger is so bad-assed. He enters the Command Center and reeks total havoc. It’s great. I was so fucking blown away when I was a kid and saw this, I couldn’t wait to tell everyone at school, and trust me, I did. Tommy calls Zordon an “old man”…which makes a lot of sense, since he’s just a floating face from another galaxy. Again, a teenager would have at least pissed on something, I’d bet my life on it.

Well, back with the Rangers, they’re washing a volkswagen, and decide that something is up at the Command Center, yet, the communicator’s aren’t working. OK, the Rangers couldn’t teleport to the command center, so they took a volkswagen. I thought they were just going to drive, but instead it just started flying. Without any explination. Perhaps there was one in a previous episode, but…still, what the hell, man. Rita wants to test some Green Ranger again, and creates a scene by making Goldar super big.

Well, it’s fight time. Geez, they still don’t have their own weapons yet. Just those lame knife/gun things. I hated those. I also much prefered them to fight on the ground, as opposed to their Zords. The whole Goldar thing was a front, because now the Green Ranger is in effect and whooping ass. He beats the hell out of all 5 of’em. Then, the Rangers being really smart and sure to keep indenity in check, call Jason by name. Wouldn’t Tommy have remember that, and realized? I can’t remember if Rita knew their actual idenities or not, if so, wait till they leave for school and one by one have a Puddy Patrol member shoot’em in the face. Who’s going to arrest a puddy patroler? Of course, those assholes are so clumsy they’d probably just end up shooting the neighbor in the dick.

They’ve tried, and this Green Ranger is just too much to tangle with…what’s going to happen to our Rangers? Tune in next week, when Str8 Gangster provides you with Green With Evil – Part II

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~ by Caliber Winfield on August 4, 2011.

4 Responses to “The Power Rangers: Green With Evil – Part I”

  1. Yay Power Rangers reviews! By the way have you ever seen 24? Its a show I KNOW you will love as Jack Bauer is a total badass. Also I saw a Steven Segal movie, Marked for Death I think and it was F’N awesome.

  2. “Plus, what teenager doesn’t party?”

    That would be me.

  3. Dude, first off, did you see your facebook? Who’s the guy who knows you that threatened me? I’m very curious…

    2nd, I just started watching 24, actually. I’ve only seen about 10 minutes of the first episode, but I’m gonna start tonight.

    YES! Marked for Death! Hell yeah, a Seagal classic, man! Doesn’t that movie fucking rock? He whoops those drug dealers’ asses…I love that movie, it’s my 2nd favorite Seagal film next to Under Siege 2, which you can stream on netflix, and fucking ROCKS, man. There’s also Exit Wounds on netflix, and that’s another Top 5 Seagal Film. You need to see it.

    Haha, well, you’re 14, right? Or you’re almost 15. You’re too young to party.

  4. What’s the name of the dude who threatened you on FB?

    By the way 24 takes a while to get really good but once it starts it get’s pretty damn addicting.

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