The Only Wrestling Recap You Need
I’ve recruited my pal Sebastian to write-up a weekly recap of any important happenings, and offer his voice on it. He’s a good kid, with a talent and a wit that I think makes him far better than most kids, especially those who do nothing but clone those who came before him. I’ll also drop my opinion here and there through out the article myself. When it’s me, it’ll be in bold.
So, you get it every Monday. I treat you so well.
Hello, I’m Sebastian, you might have seen me comment on the bottom of Caliber’s posts, and he asked me to do a weekly round up for wrestling so I said sure. There are a couple of ground rules though. First I don’t sit through the whole show or even wach every show. Especially not ROH because I don’t even think they post their shows online yet and you have topay moolah for their ppv’s and, well if you’ve ever been fiffteen you know that you don’t exactly have money flying at you in less you’re a women stripper with a boob job and look close enough to be eighteen. Alright let’s get on with the column.
In recent wrestling news Matt Hardy faked a suicide and then got a DUI. Really I haven’t cared about Matt Hardy since 2008 when he was having that awesome feud with MVP. As soon as 2009 came around he turned to absoulte shit and his heel turn on Hardy was really stupid and they changed him back to a face a couple months after he lost to Jeff. In the Jeff Hardy DVD his whole explinantion for blowing up his brother is he was in a bad place. Matt hasn’t really gotten out of his bad place as he became fatter and had to be carried by actual talent on shows like Superstars and Smackdown and by people like Drew Mcyntire and Dolph Ziggler. Then he ended up getting fired and did a stupid “shoot” interview, eating cheesy fries while Jeff yelled about space and how doing drugs is cool. Haha, wow, I never saw any of these things before. But they sound fantastic. I’ll imagine Matt got some of the drugs from Jeff, and that’s where he got the stupid idea for that braided hair.
Matt continued eating fries. Jeff also yelled about how CM Punk takes sleeping pills. Now I kind of doubt this is true but even if it is CM Punk drinks Pepsi anyway, with Caffeine. People say that its a drug and what not but fuck, its caffeine! I was bragging about being straight edge to my Mom the other day in a car and she got on me for drinking Pepsi with caffine in it… then she went to smoke cigrattes! Good example Mom. Jeff was also probably high here slurring shit. Yeah I can imagine all the shit you can buy with TNA’s checks and their non-existant wellness policy. They even made an angle out of this with the main event of their ppv being Jeff vs Sting and Jeff losing because he was doped out… hopefully in angle. To anyone who thinks caffeine isn’t a drug, just need to watch the Saved By The Bell episode “Jessie’s Song”.
Now Matt’s having shitty matches in TNA and getting arrested. I don’t think anyone but Hardy fan boys care.
To Raw, I actually have a kind of funny story about this. The night before Monday I couldn’t fall asleep. Actually I can almost never fall asleep on Sunday’s because of my annyoning as Hell Insomnia. Shit its Sunday tonight, bet you I won’t fall asleep tonight either. I fucking hate Sundays. Sorry, got carried away. I came home from school trashed and fell asleep but woke up around 7:30 PM. We went to OutBack SteakHouse even though I wanted to go to Duffy’s. So of course Outback doesn’t have any fucking Pepsi! So I ended up getting Sprite. I was still half awake here, I mean I slept till about 3:00 to 7:30. I ussually get another half-an-hour of sleep before I do anything. Everything was really pricy so I ended up getting a good cheeseburger. In the car I learned that it was already 9:07. We got back to the house around 9:12 and I was scared shitless I’d missed something involving CM Punk.
I grabbed a load of laundry, ran up stairs, turned on my TV, and Bret Hart was in the middle of the ring. What the Hell? This led to a really stupid sequence with Bret, Cena, Del Rio, and Ricardo which of course led to Cena making a shitty tag match that I don’t want to see. Bret Hart hasn’t had a good match since 1999 and Ricardo’s never wrestled. Ricardo was the only good thing about this though, his facials were hilarious. I changed the channel because the match pissed me off. Watched Sunny in Philadelphia for a bit then switched it back to Raw to see John Morrison and A-Ry beat Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler because Ziggler didn’t break up the pin. Yawn. Turn back to Sunny.
I honestly don’t remember too much of the show. Most of it was really dull, I think that maybe Miz wrestled Kofi for the thousandth time but that might of been last week. I could check the results but nothing was that great, I’ll just skip to our Smackdown Mini Main Event. Randy Orton wrestled Cody Rhodes. They just had this exact same damn match on Smackdown! This match was the only reason I watched Smackdown! I left the match on but it wasn’t anything special and I was mostly paying attention to the Edge vs RVD match on the computer. Yeah, I understand it’s Canada. It was in Canada, if I recall. So, I can dig that, but really? Do we need another Bret match? Lord knows that all it’s gonna be his him doing nothing but a sharpshooter. I also hate how Bret dresses like a teenager. I mean, really? Baggy jean shorts? Knock it off, Bret. I do like that Cody pinned Randy, great stuff there.
They promoted Edge going to be on Smackdown and I knew it was going ot be one of his stupid Cutting Edge things where it breaks down into a fight and Edge asks them stupid questions, plus its Randy Orton and Mark so the mic skills wern’t going to be good or anything, but I still kind of wanted to watch it just because Edge was involved. I’d do the same thing for Jericho. Back to the match, I think Henry got involved or something along those lines and Cody hit Randy with his mask to win. This of course meant nothing because I don’t even think Cody was on Smackdown this week! By the way Cody is doing a really good job of pulling off this new Mankind-ish angle where he’s totally insane and thinks he’s hideous. The paper bags are a great idea too.
Now to the main event promo. Yeah! Main event promo! I actually liked the back and forth between Trips and Punk. Yeah it was shooty but the crowd loved Punk and it was better than anything else on Raw. I also am a huge mark for Punk so if he did do something bad I probably wouldn’t realize it. CM Punk lays out Trips. I honestly don’t know who’s going at Night of Champions. Everyones saying Trips but they were also subjected to Trips’s bullshit run in 2002-2004 2006 was the DX run and Trips didn’t put him self over everyone in 04 and jobbed to Batistia a couple of times in good matches. Well, we all know how that ended up going down at NOC.
On to TNA. I didn’t really watch too much of it because Archer made its return but I saw some of the beginning. They had a six mixed man/girl tag. Seemed decent but I was burshing my teeth while watching it so I wasn’t paying too much attention. And really they decided to have Sting vs Ric Flair in 2011? They had shitty matches in the 80’s! Who’s going to to want to watch this shit now except for the idoits up in Orlando (I say up because I live in Jupiter below Orlando). Well Archer was good so there’s that. At first I thought you were saying you lived on the planet Jupiter. I watched TNA, as I usually do. Mostly for Velvet Sky, and just because I find it more interesting than Raw. Of course, I fast forward through a lot of it. I was real glad to see Joe defeat Matt with the submission. Seriously, that’s the first match Joe has won in MONTHS, and he use to have a big undefeated streak. I had a little faith for Flair/Sting. I mean, just a few years ago Ric had a 5 star match. So, perhaps they could do it?…maybe?…just, may…..nope. Big fat nope. Flair needs to cut his hair. It’s very long, very thin, and he looks like mental patient when it gets all wayward. I’m dying to see how Hogan v Sting happens.
I only watched the last ten minutes of Smackdown and it sucked big time. Pretty much everything went down exactly the way I thought it was going to and Henry and Orton got in a shitty fake looking brawl where the entire Smackdown locker room came out and stopped them from fighting. And ugh, that’s about it.
Don’t do drugs and um, don’t watch Gamer. Its a pretty bad movie, if you are going to watch it only watch the Michael C Hall dance/fight scene. Everything else in that movie is crap. Michael C. Hall is total rad sauce. Man, love me some Dexter.
Next week we’ll talk Night of Champions, as well as the fall out from all that. Thanks to Sebastian for being the captain on this, if a casbah isn’t rocking, put Sebastian on it. He’ll get it goin.