The Only Wrestling Recap You’ll Ever Need

Make sure you’re wearing sweats, because the boner you’ll get from this recap will be a personal best. Ladies, that means you too.

I just want to start off by saying that Night of Champions was terrible. Atrocious. Bad. One o the worst shows I ever watched ever. It was really bad. The best match of the night was a Mark Henry match. That’s how bad it was. It was so bad that I didn’t watch Raw. I haven’t skipped Raw since that stupid taped episode after Punk was “fired” for doing his shoot promo on Raw and that’s only because CM Punk wasn’t on it and the show looked like crap. Night of Champions was so bad I can’t even block it from my memory. Believe me, it was bad. Haha, well, I didn’t see Night of Champions, the reviews I read of it were mixed. Sebastian however felt it was so bad that he sounds like a victim from Law & Order: SVU. I’m not a fan of Mark Henry, he’s really the only wrestler who’s been on a 15 year career and hasn’t even had one memorable match, until NOC. However, I’ve never heard of him being a bitch, or a problem, so I’m glad that he’s got the strap now.

Might as well disect the show to um, show you why it was so bad. First match was the Awesome Jobbers vs Sonic Boom (I like these names much better). This match was decentish but Evan and Kofi seemed to be doing most of the work while Miz and Truth just worked them over in the corner. Crowd was really hot for it so that helps… and then we got the stupid ending. The really stupid ending. Miz and Truth got DQ’d. 101 booking, never start a ppv opener with a with a DQ. What was the point of this? To continue a stupid storyline that’s going to lead to Vince yelling, “It was me Punk, it was me all along!” I hate The Miz. That’s honestly all I have to really say.

I think the second match was Ted vs Cody. Ted got about 35% offense in with Cody just dominating most of the match. To Ted’s credit though the stuff he did hit looked pretty solid, nice dropkick and armbar. Actually that’s all I remember that he got through out the whole match. Cody won with a roll up for some reason. I blinked and missed the ending. This was kind of like Razor Ramon vs 123 Kid… and Razor Ramon winning with a roll up. My brother has always thought Ted Dibiase was something special. Me? I always thought this guy was about as exciting as masturbating with Triscuitt crackers.

Third match was a lame fatal four way between Kurt Angle, Billy Gunn, Johnny Nitro, and Meat. I was really shocked to see Billy Gunn back and with the US Title no less but he must of won it at a houseshow or something along those lines.
In all seriousness this match really makes Dolph Ziggler look like a lame duck considering Swagger had the match won and Dolph won by pushing him out of the way to pin John Morrison. Remember earlier this year when Morrison was wrestling Cena and Miz for the title at Extreme Rules? Yeah. Remember when Swagger was the World Heavyweight Champion?

Mark Henry beat Orton in a pretty good match. Kind of shocked this went on before the Diva’s match. Fans were actually behind Henry and this turnned out really well. Now that we’ve realized that Henry is the greatest wrestler of all time we must go back and watch every Mark Henry match ever because its five stars. Where’s my Mark Henry DVD damn it? I wonder what flavor a Mark Henry ice cram bar would be…the flavor would be Hand Cream.

Fifth match was Kelly Kelly defending the Women’s Title against Beth Phoniex. This match was really great with the crowd hot the whole way through, they were defintly behind Beth. So Kelly ends up winning with a roll up. To quote that guy with the long stunning hair, what? So, we’ve got a female wrestler who can actually wrestle, and entertain a crowd, in her home town, on her 2nd title shot, and she loses to one of the worst female wrestlers ever? This was a bag of bullshit. Beth can do the damn thing, and Kelly Kelly is the epitome of everything wrong in the world.

Sixth match was Cena vs Deja vu Rio (C) for the WWE Championship. Really lame match actually. The fans only chants throughout this match were about Cena and they wern’t even consistent or hot through out the match. Just Cena Sucks… then nothing for a minute or two, then Let’s Go Cena. Really annoyning. Cena wins thus ending the illlustrious Del Rio championship regin. This was another reason I didn’t watch Raw this week, why waste a year and a half building up Del Ro only to job him out to Cena? Nothing ever changes with this show. Isn’t that the whole point of Punk? To change things?
Well he’s too busy jobbing out to Trips. Apprantly they didn’t want to keep the title on Del Rio because they had bad ratings… on the day football started. I don’t watch football, I’ve never gotten the appeal, I just watch Baseball and Golf (Paula Creamer!) but men seem to like football. Men are also most of the people who watch Raw. Am I the only one seeing the connection here? Football is fake. The guys aren’t really hurting each other, and the outcomes are pre-determined. Everyone knows this. As for the whole Cena thing, I’m a huge fan of his, and think he’s honestly the best wrestler alive today. That being said, I got back into wrestling right before WrestleMania 23. Cena was this plucky good guy who never said die, and fought to the absolute limit. 5 years later, it’s the same exact thing. Same promos. Same angles. Same blah.

On to the main event, CM “I want my damn Ice Cream Bar” Punk vs “I am the COON you don’t want to play me” Trips Where do I even start? Well first off I don’t understand why WWE doesn’t sell their fucking ice cream bars. Its genuis! A lot of people think that Punk’s new shirt is just to make him money but even if that’s true why not sell the ice cream bars? Who wouldn’t buy a CM Punk ice cream bar? Or a John Cena one? Anyway on to the match.

Trips seems to have to start every match he comes back on a hardcore match (Sheamus, Taker, this) and its not a good idea. If they had worked the weapons and what not into the match it would of been better than the crap we got. We got a shitty brawl that’s exactly like the Trips/Taker brawl from Wrestlemania (hated that match by the way, know Johnny loves it), then we had shitty crowd brawling, followed by shitty stage brawling. The match got a tad better when they were fighting outside the ringwhen Trips was working over Punk’s legs and it really did seem like the match was going to pick up after Punk hit the Macho Elbow on Trips. Instead we got a giant WCW clusterfuck. Awesome Jobbers came out and beat up Trips so Punk would win then beat up Punk so Trips could win… then never explained why they did it in the first place causing my head to explode. You’re damn right I liked the Triple H v Undertaker match. It’s the biggity, son! You’d do best to like it too.

It only get’s worse from here. I can’t remember how it all went down exactly but Trips/Punk beat the Awesome Jobbers out of the ring only for the Scott Hall to come out and destroy both of them, then pin both of them and become the Hardcore champion only to be fired two minutes later because of a DUI only it was scripted but he later did get a DUI… oh shit I was talking about a TNA angle from 2010. Oops.

Nash came out and powerbombed both of them, I think (maybe it was only Punk, I can’t really remember for some reason). Somehow Nash legitimatly hurt himself doing this. I don’t even know what to say except that if Punk wrestled Nash he probably would of killed him. Anyway back to the match. Trips ended up hitting like two pedigrees to win the match thus pissing me off really badly. I agree. I mean, did Triple H have himself win simply to piss off the smarks? C’mon. I truly can’t think of a guy who needs to beat Punk less. Maybe the Undertaker, but I don’t think people would be that pissed. But Triple H absolutely, 100% does NOT need to be beating anyone at this point, especially someone like the WWE’s hottest ticket. Well, at least he was once.

Then on Raw the next night they made Punk vs Del Rio vs Cena. So no matter what Trips is still better than all of them according to the WWE Pie Chart. Cena beat Del Rio, Trips beat Cena at Vengance 2009, Punk beat Cena twice but he just lost to Trips. Plus Taker’s better than all of them if you count the WM match. Though really the real WWE Champion is the Ultimate Warrior since he’s beaten all of them.

So I skipped Raw and I didn’t miss anything. Punk vs Trips didn’t have a rematch for some reason even though it would of made perfect sense. Mark Henry beat up commentators. Kelly Kelly won again. Wolverine injured Billy Gunn. CM Punk and John Cena beat the Awesome Jobbers. See the thing about the main event is that Cena could of taken the Awesome Jobbers by himself according to the WWE Pie Chart so the only way they were going to lose is if Punk took the fall which would be stupid because he’s CM Punk and he’s going to be in the main event of Hell in A Cell. Yeah, I felt Cena & CM Punk vs. Awesome Jobbers was a completely one-sided match. I truly feel that either CM Punk or Cena by themselves could have takin the Jobbers.

By the way Trips said that he was going to fine the Awesome Jobbers for attacking a Refferee. Um, does anyone remember this?

Skip to 13:14ish to see what I’m talking about… or don’t. Its a good match, also on the Jericho DVD and RAW Anni. DVD I love this match, it’s when Triple H was in his prime, and Jericho, well he’s been in his prime since 98, and only gotten better. Yeah, Jericho’s so  better than he can be better than his absolute best. Eat it.

So I felt kind of bad I missed Raw but only for CM Punk. I must say CM Punk is very addicting. So I checked out the spoilers for Smackdown, blah blah blah Cody Rhodes jobs to Orton, shit shit shit, hey Mark Henry’s in the main event. So I went out to eat at Duffy’s Friday (yeah I go out to eat a lot) and got three large cups of Pepsi, yeah! Decided to get the Rodeo Burger though next time I’m going for the wings. Didn’t get to eat Dessert because I couldn’t eat all my oninon rings so I had to watch my smug little Sister who had like a quarter of the amount of food I had eat an ice cream brownie thing. Bitch. I think the question that myself, and our readers are wondering, are you a 15 year old who still doesn’t get dessert if he doesn’t clear his whole plate? Let us know in the comments section. Geez, 3 large cups of pepsi? You’re lucky you have  a fast metabolism, and you’re also lucky you haven’t developed type 2 diabetes.

So I get home thinking to myself why am I so excited about Mark Henry? Then I thought of a Mae Young joke and started to watch Smackdown. Uso’s wrestled Sonic Boom and they did this weird dance thing to start. Actually loved Booker’s commentary here, it was stupid and non-sensical but still pretty entertaining and it didn’t piss me off un like Raw. Main event was pretty good too. Would type more but my fingers are starting to hurt so ta-ta for now. Using the Insane Icon, Sting’s catch phrase now are we? Right on.

Thanks again, Sebastian The Boobie Touchin’ Monster Killer for the recap. Kids, I’ll see you later this week with some other bomb shit, and as usual we’ll be back Monday. Also, October is near, which means it’s time for some more Dungeon of Doom. The depths of fear I put myself through for you guys, and I ask nothing in return. Except for a lot of money. And some tittie.


~ by Caliber Winfield on September 26, 2011.

5 Responses to “The Only Wrestling Recap You’ll Ever Need”

  1. “I always thought this guy was about as exciting as masturbating with Triscuitt crackers.”

    Lmao love you John, this came out awesome as well.

  2. Oh dear, you and you’re 30 gallons of Pepsi. I actually didn’t mind NOC but to get Punk, Swaggie and Ziggles all on the same show makes me a VERY happy girl. The Raw after wasn’t horrible either. And I think K2 is terrible. We can only hope Beth whoops her butt at HITC.

  3. Fatal 4 way with Kurt Angle? I’m confused. Anyway, calibur your love for Cena is sickening, his do u c me is the stupidest shit ever. The rock owns Cena in his Cena/fruity pebbles promos. Kelly Kelly and AJ suck, Beth Phoenix deserves the strap. I hate Kofi, fucking irritating watching him, give Evan Bourne a better tag buddy. I’m full of RAGE, at least the WWF is better then the whole sting/flair/hogan storyline of Impact.

  4. Sebastian was referring to how peeps resemble other peeps. Jack Swagger is like Angle, in a sense, and Dirk looks exactly like Billy Gunn.

    Hey, I know Cena is boring as fuck now. But he ALWAYS delivers in the ring. That’s what counts.

    I do agree that the whole Sting/Flair/Hogan stuff is pretty stupid. But I actually like what they’re doing with Bobby Roode. They’re truly making me believe he could now be a world champ. I mean, he beat AJ Styles, clean! That’s some impressive shit.

  5. Agreed with Caliber.

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