Caliber Gives You The REAL Guy Code

MTV2 has a really stupid show called “Guy Code”. Where they have a bunch of people who are very unfunny, talking about shit that they have no real knowledge of, and pretending to educate guys. Well, being that I consider myself a patriarch for how men should be these days, as well as in the future, I watched the show and offered my own commentary. You’re welcome.

MANSCAPING

They talk about whether or not guys should do it, and I always feel like if I expect whom ever has the pleasure of seeing me naked to do something, then I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want, because I’m the man!

Seriously though, I don’t need my junk looking like Mark Henry’s face.

This one dude keeps talkin about Guy Code, and he’s rocking a uni-brow, so he gets my respect. Until I find out he’s an R&B singer or something.

SEXTING

They interview two chicks who wrote some stupid book called Flir-texting. Look, goddamn, on a show about “men” we shouldn’t be constantly coming up with ways
to bridge the word “text” with something else. The only time creating a word out of two other words is acceptable is when it’s in a moment of triumph, such as

“This chick was totally bitching about being objectafied, like women do. I told her to shut up, because her cackaling was making her tits move up and down, and that’s where the melted cheese was
, it was bad enough she bitched about the cheese burning her. It’s like, “shut up, woman! How else can I make tittynachos?!”

See that? The dude got to each nachos, and touch boobs. I mean, that rocks. So, the term “tittynachos” is perfectly acceptable.

Now, let’s see what else these assholes have to say that I could do so much better.

These two women say that men should take texting seriously, because it could make or break a date with them!

Can you believe this?! They want us to take LETTERS ON A PHONE, SERIOUSLY!

You know those bad-ass, old-school rappers that wore names on rings? Like, it’d say “Boogie-Ski” or something on a ring? Well, I want that fucking phrase about how we’re suppose to take texting seriously
put on one, so the next time a women bitches about wanting equal pay, or equal rights, or me to stop dropping
subliminal hints about ATM everywhere, I’m gonna fucking Ryu forward-down-forward-high-punch DRAGON PUNCH them right in the fucking baby-makers, so that phrase is branded on them, and they know the deal!

They say using “LoL” is lame for guys. “LoL” is for assholes, NO MATTER WHAT.

A dude asks how many cock-pics is too many. They answer “one”. WRONG. I always send naked pics of myself, except it’s censored. So the blurry spot on my dick is like the size of a monster truck wheel, that’s attached to a monster truck that I’m driving. That’s running over vegetarians. Kick ass. It takes up the whole screen damn near.

They bitch about how “oh, if you send a pick of your hangdang, it can be spread everywhere!”. Well, fucking duh. If I send you a picture of my schvantz, you better send that shit to your parents as you beam with pride!

These guys are so unfunny.

I KNEW IT! The asshole with the uni-brow is an R&B singer named J-Cole! Pssh…this bitch is talking about his best night ever, and it involves ironing clothes, and driving safely.

Did I fucking miss something?!

The only time an iron and safe driving should be in a kick ass night is if I set up some awesome Home Alone cenario on my girlfriend, and she takes an iron to the face, which then the ambulance drivers can drive safe.

Now, we’re talking “popping bottles”. NONE OF THIS SHIT IS MANLY! Buying expensive alchohol isn’t manly.
Oddly enough, both drinking, and not drinking is manly. So for those
who don’t drink, you’re a man, to those that drink beacause the hangover just isn’t doing it for you anymore, you’re manly too.

Well, at least one guy says that “bottle service” is stupid. They have a guy from Jersey Shore here. Why the hell is he here? He waxes and shaves. He’s a bitch. I’m bigger than all the Jersey Shore guys put together.

CAMPING
Camping is fucking awesome. It’s the woods. It’s FIRE. It’s MEAT. It’s literally waking up at 5am and drinking. Seriously, something happens when I go camping, and my body just turns into garbage disposer,
because I can eat ANYTHING and drink FOREVER and not get sick. I remember one time I went camping, I straight drank non-stop, and ate 18 cinnamon roles in a 24 hour period. I’m not even
bullshitting about that. I met a bad-ass bear, too. Normally when I meet bears, it’s because I’m out in the woods finding bucks to use as breaking boards for my karate demos. Anyways, this bear was awesome because
he killed people and would wear “man-skin” coats, and have “man-skin” rugs. Just like what we do to bear fur, it was rad. Plus, he loved playing Street Fighter and never pulled any bullshit by using
Akuma, and saying it was fair because he was a selectable character.

OK, this piece of shit show is over. I’m done. I may do a commentary on the next one, if you guys want.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on November 22, 2011.

2 Responses to “Caliber Gives You The REAL Guy Code”

  1. I couldn’t stop laughing. Literally, this was too damn funny.

  2. wow. I learned so much from this, my head exploded all over the walls after absorbing this necessary knowledge. man-skins in a bears den, amazing writing caliber.

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