The Real American Rents A Video
I stopped at a video store a while ago, because I was gonna go on a date and the girl said she wanted to watch Predator. She kind of has a speech impediment, so it sounded like she said “go some where nice, perhaps a nice walk”. But I knew what she meant. Predator.
So, I walk in and head to the action section. A guy asks me if I need anything, but I’m the man who takes a stand when it comes crashing down, so I got it covered. I noticed he had a red shirt on, which is great, representing for the red, white, and blue, brother!
I’m looking at the movies, and I see Rocky, Rocky 2, Rocky 3, then Rocky 5.
WAIT A MINUTE.
No Rocky 4? Guy is wearing a red shirt?! He’s not out for the red, white, and blue, he’s a commie! This place is run by the Ruskies! The Iron Shiek, Nikita Koloff and Yokozuna are probably in the back, jack!
I start twirlling my finger in the air, letting people know that I know, and letting them know that I know it’s about to go down!
The guy from before approaches, and asks if I need help.
“Where’s Rocky 4, commie?!”
He responds in Russian, which kinda sounds like English. He says;
“Rocky 4, bullshit! Mighty USSR is big bear, we eat American like Vodka!” and it’s crazy because the Russian sounds like “someone checked it out” which doesn’t even make any sense. Stupid commie. I put a big boot to his stomach, then piledrive him. He must have been a rookie, because he didn’t even sell it! He just laid there, and another rookie mistake is he didn’t blade his forehead, he had blood coming out of his ears, idiot.
It was just then I saw girl in a red shirt come running around the corner, and I was so stupid to not realize this was a tag match. The person started screaming in Russian, saying stuff like “What the hell are you doing? Oh my God, is he dead?!” which is total code for “We crush America! Build new Berlin Wall in Utah!”. They think I don’t understand Russian, but I do. I didn’t have a tag partner on hand, so I broke off a shelf and I had my 2×4, hoooooooooo.
The Russian girl was trying to play mind games, and act like she didn’t want to fight. So, she ran, to probably get a gun because that’s what commies do, so I threw the 2×4 at her head and knocked her to the ground, what a wuss. One of the women in the crowd must have been a Russian wanna-be, because I heard her say it was disturbing that I had a boner. No, it’s bad when a real American doesn’t get a Real American Boner when they’re crushing Russians! Dude!
I started asking the audience what they wanted, and I heard “Stop!”, “Please leave!” “The cops are coming!”. Sometimes I’m so awesome, jack, that they can’t help but feel sorry for my opponent. I was glad to hear The Big Boss Man was coming, just incase The Mountie showed up and wanted a piece. So, I grabbed the Russian chick, and she started to beg for mercy, but then told me she had a kid! She kidnapped a poor American kid to make him Russian. Probably made him have Vodka in his cereal, and the cereal was probably just cut up bits of the American flag. This chick did a great job of selling, because she even made herself cry. She had really long hair, and that’s just a sure fire sign of a commie, having long I-Hate-America hair. So, I made the snip motion with my fingers and the crowd loved it. I then grabbed a pair of scissors and cut that Ruskies hair, I then threw clumps of it to the crowd, but they hate Russia too and thought it was really gross as they backed off and recoiled form me. Man, no one likes Russia, brother.
I heard the sirens, and knew Bossman was coming. I decided to head out because I knew he’d want to watch Predator with me, and I planned on touching some boobie. Of course, no one was at the counter to help me, so I just left some money and walked out with the movie. Brother.