In this week’s episode, Sebastian joins forces with Bobby Heenan and proceeds to rip the necklace off of all other wrestling columns. He then sells me the WWF World Tag-Team Championship.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get anything in these last two weeks, first week I just blanked on it I think because Walking Dead wasn’t on and I run my entire week based on TV Shows so when something isn’t on the day I’m used to it being on I end up forgetting what day it is entirely. Second week I was grounded from the computer for bragging to my Mom about how much better I am than everyone so she got pissy and kicked me off of electronics for the next two days.

I can’t use the internet right now because my Stepdad’s playing Call of Duty: Black Ops and our internet really sucks so much so that two people can’t use it at the same time so I’m writing this on WordPad right now with no internet access and no spell check untill I give it to John on Google Chrome thus giving me a chance to edit some of my mistakes. I also can’t use the net to go over the shows so I’m just going by pure memory. I also need to get a retro review in so if I have time and if I remember by the end of the usual Round Up I’ll do an episode of 2000 Nitro (John says he wants me to start doing those) though it will probably get posted sepratley so unless you’re reading this on BWE in which case I’ll just throw the two together in one.
Formatting issues out of the way, hey ho, lets go.
Something that bugs me about people who write about Raw, some of them will go out of their way to get a giant graphic or capatlize the entire thing but I really don’t think this show is important enough for all of that.

The show starts with Booker T and Hornswoggle presenting the Tell Me He Didn’t Just Do That. I think it would of been better if it was a Tell Me He Didn’t Just Say That, its a better name than Pipebomb. Plus instead of this stupid segment you could of had a good wrestling match with Smackdown guys or someone you don’t use anyway to open up the show. Jim Ross wins for dancing really badly and then has a rap off with Cole. To be fair Cole’s was pretty cute and Ross forgot his fucking script. Then he flopped around on the ground while Booker T yelled into a mic, “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Pretty horrendous way to start off the show.

Mick Foley and Ted Dibasie Sr. presnted the Holy Sweet Mother Virgin Mary Jesus Award and Big Show/Mark Henry splash of doom that’s never, ever, ever happned ever. Big Show came out to accept the award even though Mark Herny’s the one who splashed him. Maybe Show’s getting it for taking the bump but in that case Abyss would of won every Holy Sweet Mother Virgin Jesus Award ever.
The next match was Show vs Wade Barret and the match clocked around two minutes. Wade tried to be dastardly or something and Big Show punched Wade’s chair out of his hands somehow causing a DQ.

I know I’m skipping some stuff but Lita came out and presented the Divalicious moment of the year that Kelly won and fuck that’s just boring to read. Well the good part is we didn’t get a Diva’s match and Lita didn’t botch anything.

Road Dog gave CM Punk the Pipebomb of the year. The only other real contestant was Truth and he got caught for smoking so you knew who was going to win this. Punk comes out and gives an amazing video de-tribute to Johnny Ace. That song is not only stuck in my head but its gotten me to watch Transformers 1986 Animatied movie and Boogie Nights. I’m fiffteen so I probably shouldn’t have watched Boogie Nights but Mark Whalberg has a pretty big cock and this coming from a guy who’s cock keeps on hitting the top of the desk so theres no room for me to move.

Back to wrestling, I think the fatal four way match was right after this, for trending superstar on Twitter which was the single stupidest thing to feud over ever. This beats feuding over a shampoo commercial, coffee, and a mop. Even if you win the match you don’t win the trophy so whats the point in winning the match? It doesn’t move you up, the closest thing WWE has to a grading system is their Power 25 which is fucking stupid because it doesn’t base it on wins and losses but how they think that entertainer came across during their segment/match. I think Masked Kane was number one this week which makes zero sense because he hasn’t had one damn match since coming back. More on that in a second.
There were also two AD breaks during this match. C’mon you people couldn’t play AD’s any other time? We had to get an overly long JR segment? The fatal four way match was absoultely amazing though, just great, great stuff. Scooter gave it three stars but this match was a lot better than this. Ths seemed like one of those crazy indiefour way matches which is a good thing. It was nonstop action and told a story. Good stuff and I was really happy that Dolph won. Hell I marked out. Zack won the trophy so my hero Dolph kicked his ass with the most threatining move of all time, the Fame Asser. At least I think that’s what he knocked him out with, might have been the Zig Zag.

Trips won some kind of award for hitting the Pedigree or something stupid. Trips said he was going to kill Nash or something and then buried Santino by staring at him thus burying Drew Mcyntire because Drew has been jobbing to Santino at house shows thus burying Matt Hardy who has jobbed to Drew thus burying Jeff Hardy because Matt beat him thus burying the entire TNA lockerroom since Jeff’s beaten the majority of them. Well played Hunter.

John Cena came out to tell the fans that Rocks not there. This could of been a really good segment if they had made Cena straight up mad at the fans and went off on a rant about how he busts his ass every week and The Rock is too lazy to make a video via satelite. However the WWE really wants to protect Cena so you’re getting really lame promos from Cena.

Punk and Orton teamed up to wraslle Miz and Del Rio. This match was very lackluster and I was quite dissapointed in Punk here. All he did was play Ricky Morton which is fine but it was so WWE style they couldn’t have any fun with the match. I do like that Punk doesn’t Cena them though and actually allows them to get a very clean victory over him. Alberto Del Miz attacked Punk afterwards.

Rey presented Superstar of the Year, CM Punk won, and there was no fucking mention of their feud. Their ridclously long lasting feud that went back all the way to Wrestlemania 2010. Not a word. I realize Punk’s face now but that doesn’t really explain why Mysterio would forgive him for beating the crap out of him and terroizing his daughter. Not only that but Punk was feuding with Mysterio before he went on to feud with Cena. Including tag matches and what have you Punk and Mysterio have probably wrestled more than Orton/Cena have or Trips/Shawn. Anyway Mr. Excitement came out and took the Slammy. I wonder if he wished it the best in its future endavors, neh, get it?

Main event was Cena vs Mark Henry. I don’t even know why I was still watching at this point besides the fact that I was on the phone with my friend and he’s a snarky bastard so for fun we just sit on the phone for about an hour and make stupid wrestling related jokes, its so cool. The match was really bad and my friend, Nick, said he saw Cena calling spots to Henry which is really bad because most of the match was rest holds. Then KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!! came out and destroyed Cena. Now the question becomes will Cena job to Kane? They’ve been building him for weeks and they can’t squash him but they can’t make Cena lose this close to Wrestlemania. Well actually they can, Cena will still be Cena and can take out Kane after Wrestlemania or whatever because again, he’s still John Fucking Cena. I don’t really think anyones going to care that he lost to Kane. I mean, the marks at my school that occassionally watch wrestling won’t even beleive that Punk’s beaten Cena like four times. [Caliber here. I just want to say how I wasn’t able to really dig Kane’s return for two reasons. For one, his new helmet looked just like The Rocketeer. If you don’t know who that is, give it a google. Second, the flames on his pants looked like iron ons from Mad Magazine or something. I would have been more scared if he had images of some dude’s dick sewed on to his tights.]

Alright my fingers are mad at me and I haven’t even started the Nitro review so I’m just going to do really short reviews for Tribute to the Troops, TNA, and Smackdown.

Tribute to the Troops: Pretty good wrestling mixed in with shitty music. I also missed the Muppets so I’m kind of pissed but the Barrett/Orton and six man tag main event were both really good.

TNA: I only caught the main event because, well Beavis and Butthead. Two episodes too! They really need to get rid of Good Vibes though, that shows pretty bad. Anyway Jeff Hardy’s back and he’s having shitty matches against Bubba Ray. I don’t quite understand why Bubba Ray is in the main event or why Jeff’s not dead from drugs and car crashes but I am wondering how long Jeff can stay clean aka not get caught. [Caliber again. I don’t mean to interject again, but Sebastian is right, Good Vibes is horse shit. Also, TNA is rad sauce. Sure, Jeff may not deserve the main spot, but he’s OK. They’re doing great things with Bobby Roode though, he’s the best champion they’ve had since AJ Styles was heel and kicking major ass. I miss a Ric Flair led heel AJ Styles.]

Smackdown: Opening promo made me really want to see Cody Rhodes vs Booker T and the first match between Cody/Danielson was a great pure wrestling match, the ending was pretty cool too. Everything else was passable. I got bored during the main event and went to sleep


~ by Caliber Winfield on December 19, 2011.

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