Monday Nitro – January 31st, 2000
[Caliber’s Note: This photo is both for those reading, and Sebastian. A hot chick is always a nice calm before the storm, and this is a reward for Sebastian, having to watch WCW from 2000 isn’t exactly a good thing for his young, impressionable mind.]
We get clips from Thunder and Sid won the title back from Nash even though Jeff Jarrett was the champion. We cut to the NWO and Scott Hall talking to Kevin Nash over a phone. Jeff Jarrett is the acting commissioner because Nash isn’t there tonight.
NWO comes out with some girls. Jeff Jarrett informs everyone that Kevin Nash won’t be here tonight and not to worry because Jeff Jarrett is the acting commissioner. He gives the mic to Scott Steiner and Scott brags about the chicks he has the ring and calls everyone fat. Scott then uses incorrect grammar a bunch of times and says that the men in the crowd wouldn’t know what to do with these chicks. The chicks take off their shirts and they have a dress thing going on under that and show off their tits. Harris Brothers are now officially part of the NWO I guess. The fans chant asshole at Jeff and they actually beep it out. Um, why? WWE’s PG today and it doesn’t beep out the crowd when they chant asshole. Jeff Jarrett makes himself #1 contender which he can do because he’s the US Champion or something like that. Jeff’s going to make Sid’s life a living Hell. Tonight its going to be Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers vs Sid and Jeff gets to pick Sid’s partners. Why not just have a handicapped match? Jeff says that he’s going to run this show like Kevin Nash always did. Um, Nash has only been running the show for two freaking weeks. We cut to Scott Hall and he looks fat and disgusting.
Mamalukes are going up against David Flair and Crowbar for the Tag Titles tonight. Also Booker T will face Big T in a rematch. Ric Flair also came back on Thunder and he’s going to be on Nitro tonight. The commentators talk about the fact that Jeff Jarrett says that he will be accepting bribes. Sid and Flair show up separate backstage.
Terry and Arn argue backstage and Arn tells Terry to go find Ric Flair.
1st Match: Lash Leroux vs Evan Karagias
Evan wants to start dancing for the ladies but Lash attacks one of the guys in Three Count. Lash get’s sent to the outside and fights off both members of Three Crew but Evan jumps onto him from the inside. I think the fans are chanting this is awful. Well they were for a tad, now they’re just quiet. Lash get’s sent back to the outside and two other members hold Lash but he dodges a baseball slide and then jumps onto both members. Back in with Evan and Evan get’s a full nelson and one of the members runs in but Lash kicks him in the face and then hits a Russian Neck-breaker for the win.
DUD Three Count should have been DQ’d as they interfered throughout the entire match and the match itself was about three minutes long. They weren’t even able to do anything and the crowd was dead.
Dustin Rhodes tells you not to try this at home.
2nd Match: David Flair & Crowbar vs The Mamalukes
Crowbar pimps the match but the Mamalukes (Italians) attack them and they fight to the outside where they throw snow at each other for a little bit. Then they fight to the arena area and David Flair grabs a shovel which he hits people with for a little bit. They fight into the ring and Vito slams David into the ring. He puts a trashcan lid on David’s crotch and then hit him with the crutch. He hits him over the head with a bottle and then with the crutch a few more times. More shit garbage stuff and my STACY FUCKING KEIBLER WALKS OUT! Inside the ring Johnny The Bull chokes out Crowbar on the ropes. He misses a splash onto the ropes. Crowbar hits a scoop slam and that Jeff Hardy leg-drop to the balls thing. Disco’s on commentary and says he should be DQ’d which is kind of funny since Jeff did that in about every match after 2006 and never got in trouble for it even though he’s kicking someone in the balls.
David and Vito throw some fake punches and Stacy’s legs are badass! Crowbar puts a table on Bull and is going for a moonsault but Disco runs in and attacks Crowbar. Everyone teams up on Crowbar and Bull hits a frogspalsh through the table for the win.
DUD Garbage brawl however David and Crowbar don’t have the titles anymore which is a good thing and Stacy was there to make this somewhat watchable.
2nd Match: Booker T vs Big T
Booker T’s music stops about halfway down the ramp. Some lawyer dude comes out and he tells Booker T his entrance music is part of Harlem Heat incorporated and since he isn’t part of Heat anymore he can’t have that entrance. Lawyer then gives Booker T generic entrance music and then the lawyer says that he can’t use the letter T anymore. Stevie Ray says he can’t use his ring attire anymore ever. Big T says the name T belongs to him. This sounds like a WWE contract negotiation after the persons been fired. That chick comes and throws the lawyers into the ring. The lawyers all like don’t hit me, I have glasses and Booker T totally Batman’s him as he then punches him in the face. Harlem Heat 2.0 make the save. Um… what happened to the match they had scheduled?
Norman Smiley gets beaten up backstage by Three Count. Um, shouldn’t they be mad at Lash for winning. What the Hell did Norman Smiley ever do? Commercial for the Whole Nine Yards, looks horrible. There’s a stupid Juicy Fruit commercial where these guys fight over Juicy Fruit with some kind of magical mental mutant power. Wow, I’ve seen 2000 commercials and they’re usually pretty fun to watch because of how cheesy and stupid they are but most of the ad’s here are just people talking really softly into the camera about some stupid car shop or something. Norman’s running around backstage and runs into a, um, its one of those things with spikes that closes but it doesn’t have spikes in it just on the outside which closes on Norman [Caliber’s Note: It’s called an Iron Maiden, and it belongs to The Demon].
3rd Match: Billy Kidman w/ Torrie Wilson vs The Wall
Why is Wilson coming out with Kidman? Every other Nitro he’s come out alone. Wall picks up Kidman and hits him with a sick presslam, he threw him really high up on that. Wall goes into a backbreaker and I guess gets bored. Well Wall’s no Bane. Wall throws around Kidman and hits him with a clothesline and then a two count. Wall puts Kidman on the top rope but Kidman comes back with a pretty sweet missile dropkick. Wall runs into a rana for two. Kidman comes off the top but Wall catches him with a slam. Wall’s getting ready for the chokeslam but Wilson distracts the Ref and then Vampiro comes down to the ring, and then hits The Wall with a dropkick which allows Kidman to get the win.
1.0/5.0 Kidman tried to carry Wall through this but Wall barely has any damn moves.
AD for Mario for the Nintendo 64, fuck yeah! Where’s the fucking Beef!? How can parents keep their kids from smoking? Show them some CM Fucking Punk. There’s some bullshit about talking to your kids. The problem with that is the fact that the parents going to come across looking like a hypocrite if they smoke. My Mom did the same shit when I was little. “You shouldn’t smoke Sebastian,” as she was puffing up. [Caliber’s Note: I’m insanely jealous that your Nitro’s come with commercials, I love watching old commercials.]
Ric Fucking Flair’s here! Huge pop for Flair here. Flair says the Pennsylvania sports teams combined aren’t as good as Flair and he gets fucking cheered! Flair says he’s the God of wrestling. If this was anyone else they’d be getting huge heel heat. Best sign of all time: My Mom wants Ric Flair. Anyway Flair talks about how he’s fucked this guys Mom and girlfriend, and also how he has a huge penis, yet he’s still getting fucking cheered. This is the greatest thing ever! The “powers that be” called Flair at home and wanted him to be the commissioner. Flair says yes and he’s going to take this company by storm. Flair says that he’s not going to be Terry Funk’s friend. Flair runs around the ring elbow dropping the mat. Flair wants Funk to come out right now. Flair calls himself God a couple more times. So Flair’s God and Punk’s Satan? Funk comes out and mentions something in Foley’s book. Funk says that Flair’s nothing compared to Funk and that they should team up to take out the NWO. Funk says that Flair should teach his son some discipline and if he was Funk’s son he’d beat the shit out of him. Flair says that if Foley thinks he isn’t anything compared to Funk than he hasn’t watched TV for the last twenty years. Flair tells Funk he’s going to beat the shit out of him. Flair makes fun of Funk’s shirt that says living legend. Funk punches the crap out of Flair and then the security guys come. Flair comes back with some kicks but security stops anything from really happening and then Flair just runs away. Yes, make the guy who’s getting huge face pops look like a cowardly heel. Fucking genius.
Randy Savage is having one of those what do you see things [Caliber’s Note: They’re called Rorschach tests] and he says Slim Jims a bunch of times and then flips over the table while yelling Slim Jims. Well Pitch Black looks good. Oooh, Conspiracy with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts was badass. Ripley’s Belive it or Not looks like shit and whenever I hear the name Ripley I think of the main character from Aliens. Another shitty car commercial with a guy that’s talking so softly into the camera I can barely hear him. Pawnee Assmebly of God wants to spend time with your family. Huh, they have a Sting and Sid Viscous VHS tape, could be interesting. Though that shitty WCW Nitro Girls thing was horrible and didn’t have any chicks getting naked in it even though you had to order it on PPV.
Sid’s getting interviewed and he seems pretty pissed off. Sid says he’s going to beat the crap out of Jeff at Superbrawl. Sid promises that he’s going to powerbomb someone straight to Hell.
Stacy Keibler is the hottest thing ever and she has two assclowns bitching about their “gimmick.” Ugh. Oh fuck a Lex Luger match is next. I think I’m going to cry.
More commercials, yay! Its a bunch of people talking about their happy place which somehow turns into an ameritrade commercial. There’s a really gay commercial with some dude in his underwear working out with the bowflex. They have a chick using the machine for like less than a second and then its back to the guy. Sid yells at me and calls himself ruler of the world.
4th Match: Lex Luger vs Brian Kobbs w/ Finlay as Special Guest Referee
So on Thunder Lex attacked Buff Bagwell so I get to see Buff try and carry Lex through a match or matches eventually. Yay! These reviews are making me hate my life. Brian starts with punches and rams Lex into the corner. More punches. Whip and a clothesline. This match is fucking horrible. Lex starts to fight back but Knobbs hits him with a clothesline in the corner. Lex to the outside and Kobbs throws Lex into the guardrail. Kobbs yells at Finlay. Lex begs for his life and then Finlay hits Kobbs with a clothesline to back. Lex hits another clothesline and then kicks him a bunch of times probably because he can’t remember how to do a suplex. Shitty choking and fans start a boring chant. Elizabeth looks hot, Lex of course ends up choking her out in 2003 and went to jail for really small while. Finlay throws Brian Kobbs off the top rope and then just leaves. Lex puts a chair on Kobbs but does it so the top part is over his hand. He botts the chair but you can tell that wouldn’t hurt anyone ever. Lex yells about Sting and Hulk Hogan.
DUD Match was about two minutes and was still horrible.
Norman Smiley comes out of the death pit I mentioned earlier and he looks like a combo of Animal and Sting as he has face paint and that spike thing.
Old actor tells you to buy life insurance. A guy who looks like the fucking Riddler, he has the fucking question mark suit and everything ,tells you to buy his book to get free money. I’m guessing it says, “Rob bank and leave riddles.” [Caliber’s Notes: Ooh yeah! The Government Grant guy! “Get $7500 to go to school! Get $1200 to buy hookers!”]
Demon, who is a wrestler who wants to be the main dude from KISS tells the police that some one has stolen his stuff. Dude, do you even watch the program? What am I saying, of course he doesn’t. Norman comes to the ring while 3 Count are dancing. Fans are behind Norman and I guess we have an impromptu match.
5th Match: Shane Helms vs Norman Smiley
Three Count attack Norman before the match. Shane goes for a frogsplash but Norman puts up his legs. Commentators say that Hulk hogan’s coming back to Thunder. Oh joy. Shane puts Norman on his shoulders and runs around making Norman dizzy but Norman crotches him. Norman throws Smiley around. They talk about how they did things liek that in the 60’s. Um, no they didn’t. Wrestling was very technical back then, very slow paced, and it mostly involved submission holds like wristholds or armbars. Anyway Norman wins with a kind of standing leg drop dick to the face thing. Demon runs after Norman to get his stuff back.
DUD This match was short and pretty bad.
DDP and Kimberly are backstage cutting the worse promo ever. Anyway they’re back together as a couple. Disco pinched Kimberly’s ass or something so DDP and Disco are fighting now. You’ve got to be kidding me. This show is going to drive me to drink. Not really but still shit is horrible. They fight through the fans into the ring. Bell rings so I guess we have a match.
6th Match: DDP vs Disco Inferno
Short back and forth and then DDP hits the Diamond Cutter.
DUD Too short… and stupid for that matter.
Main Event: Harris Boys and Jeff Jarrett vs Terry Funk and Sid (Flair hasn’t shown up yet)
Stupid bed commercial, random sports AD, Mario commercial again, hmm Pitch Black looks pretty good. Oh wait, I’ve seen it before. Its part of that trilogy with Vin Diesel. Didn’t like any of them[Caliber’s Note: You’re crazy, man. Watch Pitch Black again, it’s great]. Mario party games probably good but they’ve made like ten million since 2000.
They fight on the outside. Sid and Funk get the best of the NWO. One of the Boys and Jeff Jarrett works on Funk. Sid goes for the ten punch inside the ring but Jeff Jarrett attacks Sid. Other Harris Brother tries to attack Sid but Sid ends him over the top. Jeff runs into a big boot and Sid gets ready for the powerbomb. One of the Harris Boys attacks Sid stopping it. Funk attacks him but the other Harris Boy hits Funk with a chair. Now the rules are a tag in match for some reason. They work over Funk in the corner getting ready for the hot tag. Funk comes back with a backdrop and almost gets the tag but one of the Harris Boys stops the tag. Tag to Jeff Jarrett but Funk comes back with punches in bunches.
Funk hits the piledriver for two. Um, if you have the opponent down why not just tag in Sid? Funk acts dizzy for no reason and then tags in Sid. Flair comes down to the ring in his suit and then attacks Terry Funk. My heads hurts from this stupid ass booking. Sid hits one of the Brothers with a powerbomb. The other one comes in and he gets hit with a powerbomb as well. Ref is distracted with Terry Funk and Sid gets blasted with a guitar as Jeff gets the win.
1.0/5.0 Fans were hot and it somewhat resembled a match.
Final Thoughts: This show was just so bad, nothing made sense. Two matches started from random brawls and some of the matches that were announced didn’t even happen. Buff wasn’t there due to selling the injury so they were low on talent and every match was really short. Also you have Flair come back, get huge face pops, and then you make him act like a heel. Who the fuck is booking this!? Only good thing about this whole show was Stacy.
Editors Note: Sorry if this review isn’t up to snuff, I’m pretty sick with a cold-like thing going on and I have a small fever. Kind of hard to think correctly.