Saved By The Bell Archives – Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce
What more could you want in an episode?
Punky Brewster being a gold-digging bitch? Check.
Screech creating commercials for his spaghetti sauce? Check.
The gang going into mass production and making it seem like just any group of high school kids can get rich in the food industry? Check.
Zack walks into the school’s TV studio and notices Punky Brewster’s huge boobies. She quickly shoots him down because he drives an old car.
They decide that they need to make a TV show for teens. Screech then makes his 78th Gilligan’s Island reference. As a kid, I thought the only thing on TV in Southern California was that show. Now, naturally, in about 5 minutes Slater knows how to run a studio, Lisa & Zack are anchors, and Jessie is their roving reporter. Kelly’s the weather girl. Anyone else in the school who wants to take part in this project is promptly told to fuck off. Kelly strips down to a bathing suit, and she looks pretty hot, despite the gross fashion of late 80’s, early 90’s. Now, Screech has a cooking show, and Slater’s crying because he’s cutting the onions. Man, whatever happened to onions? As a kid, in at least every other show I saw, someone was crying from onions. It was like quicksand, the bane of man’s existence one day, and gone the next.
They decide to start selling Screech’s sauce. Why the hell not. Robyn over hears their plan, because all great business talk is done, nay, screamed in a busy hallway, and she leeches herself to Screech.
The gang launches into production, using the school’s supplies, such as beakers and whatever they used to print their labels. Oh snaps, there’s a conveyer belt, so we’re also set up for the classic “the belt is out of control and everything is going to explode” bit. Man, writing things back in the day was easy. You had some onions making people cry, quicksand almost killing them, and conveyer belts causing a mess, the end, pay me.
Now we’re filming a commercial, which as we all know cost nothing, and buying air-time cost nothing. I also love the lack of FDA approval, so when botulism kills over half the school, we get the episode where Zack tries to get out of detention for it [hint: it involves cutting the breaks on Mr. Belding’s wife’s car].
Now we find out that the sauce recipe is actually from the Betsy Crocker cook book. Really? The sauce has been going on for, what, a week? And already a national conglomerate has got a hold of it? Man, this show really gave me a false idea of what high school was to be.
Screech is told by Zack that Robyn is a gold-digger, Screech says that’s crap. Then 5 seconds later Robyn says she won’t date Screech unless he buys her another necklace. Literally, those are her words, and he’s cool with it. Then in another 5 seconds, Screech hears her tell her friend that she’s using Screech. So, apparently, for the school valedictorian, if he’s told something to his face, twice, it’s a no go. But if he hears it while waiting around a corner before he goes to get his Uncle Fester wallet, why that’s as good as gold.
The gang is back at the lab, shutting down, when Screech comes in and says Zack was right. They lament about having to shut down, but Zack says they didn’t get sued, and made a little money. Mr. Belding comes in and says they owe him $1500 for all the supplies they used, or they’re suspended. I’m trying hard to get into the drama here, but Zack is wearing a sweater that looks like the state of Arizona if it had a stroke or something. It’s very distracting. Anyway, so now they have little to nothing. Well, even worse, Screech spent what they did have left all on Robyn, so now they’re really in the hole. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those plans where the rape ends up turning into a murder. They might go a different direction, but I don’t thin….oh, they’re just gonna scam her out of the money. I’m sure they’ll do that for the pilot of Saved By The Bell: SVU.
So, Screech is sitting at the Max with Robyn, and he says the business is killing him. He’s far too busy, and has too much money. Then Zack walks in, dressed like a villain from a 1940’s cartoon. My guess is he just got done tying a girl to the railroad tracks. Anyways, the rest of the gang runs up and says they just got a ton of new orders, but Screech tells’em too bad, because he’s selling the business. They say they’ll buy it, but ZackInDisguise says they’ll have to beat $500. Really? The business is so booming that $500 is a gold mine? And why can’t Robyn recognize Zack? Even as a teenager, I’d know a teenager with a fake mustache wasn’t really an old Russian guy. Especially when he’d offer to buy Microsoft for $750.
Robyn ends up buying the business for $2000. He gives her the recipe, and that’s it. Apparently, when buying a business, one only need give an index card to someone. Life was so much simpler at Bayside.
It’s a great episode, any time you get the gang basically deciding to do something in a matter of minutes that would take any normal group of people years, it’s a good day. Not to mention we get the group in costumes and disguises. Other than a dream sequence, what more could you ask for? Where the group imagines what they’d do with their money. Zack would involve him having married Kelly, with Slater having to become a fluff boy in Gay porn or something. Oh, and Jessie’s sequence would be her becoming a dancer in Las Vegas.