Forget Debbie Does Dallas, because it’s Sebastian Does WrestleMania
Our good friend Sebastian was lucky enough to attend WrestleMania 28, and here’s to hoping he didn’t have to face a giant palm tree for the whole 4 hours.
By Sebastian Howard
I want to talk about the whole going there ordeal. First of all they set up toll booths right next to the stadium and all the signs said twenty-five cents but when you actually got there they charged you a dollar. Cory, my Stepdad who was driving us there didn’t have any money on but some dimes in the car so we had to sit there and look for dimes. Of course when we got to the freaking stadium parking was forty-dollars even though the tickets were thirty dollars. So we had to go to a gas station because it had an ATM. The whole time I was in the car I’m just sitting there making fun of people wearing lame ass John Cena/Rock/End of an Era shirts. There was one asshole sticking his Rock/John Cena sign out of his car like it was the greatest most creative thing ever.
So we finally parked somewhere and my Stupid Brother [Note From Caliber: I love that Stupid Brother is capitalized, like it’s his name or something] was supposed to remember where we were parked and ends up forgetting after the show so we have to spend forty minutes looking for the damn car. He was also bitching about going to Wrestlemania because, “People might think he’s a wrestling fan if he goes to a wrestling show.” So I Ric Flair walk the entire way to the Stadium. [NFC: And I assume Cory walked like Santino?] Its kind of hard to describe the inside of the stadium but it was a bunch of spiraly thingys and then a bunch of shitty store things that overpriced anything. Cory got alcohol because he’s weak and then gave us money to go buy Pepsi. Well I had to stand in line for thirty freaking minutes because the chick in front of me wanted some certain amount of Popcorn or something really stupid like that [NFC: I refuse to believe that a woman had a crazy, or stupid demand]. There was one little asshole kid telling me to Rise Above Hate and I responded by saying, “Yeah John Cena tells you to rise above hate and then calls Eve a whore. He’s a hero!” There were some people randomly chanting Cena Sucks and Ryder over and over again. There were a couple of cool people yelling yes over and over again.
So I finally get the Pepsi, and I love Pepsi, but the stuff we got tasted really, really watered down. Kind of just like colored sugar water. So we get to our seats and to be honest they were pretty cool though my Stepdad was kind of shocked by how small the ring actually was. So we start the show off with the Stars and Stripes I believe and I didn’t want to stand up due to the fact that I have to legally go to government instituted schools and I work like a damn rat there, it also screws up my sleep cycle and causes insomnia. Anyway, people were bitching at me for not standing up so I just yell back, “I could’ve sworn we were in Canada!” [NFC: I just want to tell you how absolutely proud I am of you for not standing. I don’t stand either. ] There were also these stupid palm trees that they put up on all sides of the ring and it made it impossible for us to see what they were doing when they walked over to the palm tree.
First match was a squash with Sheamus beating Daniel Bryan for the title. It was a really dumb idea because there were a lot of Daniel Bryan fans there and during the Diva’s match there was a Daniel Bryan chant going on. I blame AJ though, it was all her fault.
Second match was Randall Baby Oil Slippery Snake Orton against Kane. This was a pretty good match but it was hard for the crowd to get into it for two reasons. A) Miami is a pretty shitty crowd, in my entire section there were five people including me cheering throughout the show not including Cena/Rock and Taker/Trips and The last match kind of killed the crowd. You could tell that they were trying to get the crowd into it but the crowd was really awkward throughout the entire thing. I was chanting throughout the whole show (my throats killng me right now) but most of the crowd just didn’t know how to act at a wrestling show. If you watch the show you can tell they just start chants and end them, they don’t really have long chants that end for a while. Its why Kane did the two chinlock spots, so the crowd could get into it. Anyway the match was pretty good though I didn’t like Kane winning but at least won with a pretty cool super chokeslam. 3.5/5.0
Cody Rhodes vs Big Show was next and I barely remember this match. I actually remember Cody’s entrance better than this whole match. Big Show won with the fist of doom!
This next match sucked. The guy behind me was pretty funny throughout the show and as soon as this came on he yelled,”Bathroom break.” Well he comes back about four minutes later and he’s shocked that the match isn’t over. Match sucked and the crowd was dead when they weren’t chanting for Daniel Bryan. Eve did take a sick bump though so 0.5/5.0 [NFC: Yeah, I want to know who thought it’d be a good idea for a TALK SHOW HOST to pin your fucking champion. You think Johnny Carson would have pinned Roddy Piper in the 80’s?]
Best part of Wrestlemania happened next as Heath Slater tried to get Flo Rida to go out to the ring and sing while Heath played DJ. Pretty funny stuff.
Trips vs Taker Hell in A Cell was so fucking good. I really don’t think I’m being biased here as I hated last years match but this years was just so good. The crowd was really into it and everything. It was just a really, really good match with lots of false finishes. I honestly thought it was over when DX superkicked/pedigreed Taker. I’d give it 4.5/5.0 only because that chair shit got really old really fast and Trips sat there hitting Taker with for like two minutes straight. [NFC: I have to disagree, after seeing The Undertaker’s back, it really made the chair spots that much cooler] From here off the crowd wasn’t totally dead, just mostly.
Six man tag match had no heat, I was probably the only person cheering. The match itself wasn’t anything special but Dolph Ziggler doing crazy selling was cool. Am happy that Team Johnny won and that whole Eve kicking Ryder in the balls thing was badass. 2.0/5.0
Chris Jericho vs CM Punk was next and Jericho/Punk got huge pops. However the match was kind of dead at the start just because that Trip/Taker match took so much out of everyone. The match did build and was really good, especially when Jericho had Punk in the real Walls of Jericho in the middle of the ring. Punk making Jericho tap out was pretty cool too. 4.0/5.0 because the crowd was kind of out of it which makes it harder for the wrestlers to work. Oh also this whole match my voice was dead but I was shouting for Punk the whole freaking time. There was an assclown in the back of me yelling CM Drunk but its okay because we all know he’s jealous. I was pretty much on my feet for the majority of this match too, I thought it was really good but I might have to rewatch it.
Cena vs Rock it was well, okay. Rock was getting cheered for so loudly it was ridiculous. I was the only person in my section cheering for Cena. Lot of false finishes for this match and I thought it was better than most people thought it was going to be. I don’t want to say the crowd was “really into it” because they were chanting for The Rock and saying Cena sucks which is what they’ve been doing every freaking Raw this past month. The ending really did come out of nowhere and I was expecting Cena to kick out. 3.5/5.0 Sounds about right, the match was just…. okay.
Two more things, one] no table got destroyed at Wrestlemania this year. Two] where the Hell was Brock Lesnar? [NFC: I think your question has been answered]