Caliber gets GLAMOUROUS

An article from Glamour.com was brought to my attention. It’s another one of those “what girls want from men” type lists that are complete crap. So, I felt it my civic duty to respond to each request from the article. Let’s get into it…

1. A guy who can make you laugh. Some things in life are not funny. Can he make you at least chuckle when the chips are down?

Before I read this list, I bet myself $1,000,000 dollars, and not a penny less, that the first thing would be “a guy who’s funny”. Because Lord knows, we’ve known a ton of girls who have boyfriends, and those guys are always HYSTERICAL. No, wait, they aren’t funny. Ever. They think crap like Family Guy is funny, and try to recycle quotes from it.
Yes, some things in life aren’t funny. Such as you. So, because you’re about as interesting as a plank of wood, you need me to bring the funny. Can I make you chuckle when the chips are down? You mean when you’re blowing a standard situation out of the water,  I say something funny, and then you bitch at me for not taking the fact that someone took your turn at the 4-way stop serious? What a knee slapper.

2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you.He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Otherwise, you could be Kathy Griffin and you’ll still be laughing alone your whole life. Well, she’s single. But I mean, if Kathy Griffin were—whatever!”

So, let me get this straight, you want me to be funny, but then I have to put up with the fact that you aren’t funny? I have to force a smile when you talk about how “funny” Weekend Update was? Man, you women are absolute death. Tell you what, don’t expect me to cuddle, but you have to “get” me and be down for anal at least 9 times a week.

3. A guy who will attend your lame “things.”Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it—but he’ll go for you.”

OK, see, girls do lame shit even though they know they’re lame. How is that fair? Everything I do, and everything I’m involved in kicks major ass, and you should be so lucky for me to invite you. Would it kill you to do something that any person with half a brain would be interested in? I mean, so far, you demand that I’m the Entertainment Capital of the World, while you get to be a shlomo who enjoys a bucket of crap. This sounds awesome.

4. A guy who will do nothing with you.And I mean Nothing. If you’re feeling low-energy, anti-social, or blah, can he sit and do nothing with you or does he always leave you on the couch and go party with the guys? And could you two entertain each other on a deserted island or while stuck in traffic?”

So, when you don’t want to do anything, that’s just you being “meh”, and I’m suppose to understand that, and dig it all the way? But if I don’t feel like attending your “lame” things, then I’m being an asshole who doesn’t support you, correct? I mean, what kind of unholy monster would rather have a good time with his friends than just sit with someone who’s low-energy, anti-social, and blah? Any sort of person like that should be burned at the stakes!

5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card.Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you.”

Isn’t showing up to your house letting you know I’ve thought about you? Isn’t the fact that I let you know I was gonna do ATM before I did it let you know I’m thinking of you? You want a card and a gift now too?

6. A guy who will say he loves you.I do not care about his made-up theory that love is just a social construct or what have you. Hold out for someone who can and will say it. Also, he shouldn’t say it just because you want him to; he should say it because it feels good to say it.”

Look, if you’re worth being in love with, then I’ll say it. You say you don’t want a guy to say it if he doesn’t mean it, but then if he doesn’t say it, you start doing that passive-aggressive shit that girls live and die by. So, trust me, I’ll say I love you on the 2nd date so I can avoid you biting my dick, bleaching my awesome Friday The 13th shirts, or deleting my Phoenix Marie collection off my computer.

7. A guy you respect.Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Let’s hope so, ‘cause if you think he’s a lazy idiot, you’ll end up resenting him.”

So, let me ask you something. Why on Earth would you date a guy who is crazy, hates his job, and isn’t proud of himself? I mean, that’s like saying “I want a guy who doesn’t rape things, and has never met Chris Hansen in an informal setting”. Isn’t that sort of, I don’t know, duh? But then again, a girl saying something that’s completely obvious, someone color me shocked, and please stay inside the lines.

She then goes on to say she asked a few of her friends what they look for, and this is what we get…

8. A guy you have good chemistry with. He doesn’t have to be Jude Law, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out.”

Really? Fucking REALLY? A guy you have good chemistry with? You want a guy who’s compatible? You don’t want a guy that you don’t get along with? The hell…the absolute HELL you say! I’m shocked to my core. What’s next? You’ll want a guy who isn’t dead? You want a guy who doesn’t try to tea-bag himself? I’m absolutely shocked at this news.

9. A guy who agrees with you about travel. If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you’re interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you’ll wish you had seen the world.”

It’s not stupid to want that, it’s just stupid to mention it. That falls under the list of “common interest”. But then again, a woman who states the painfully obvious as if it were the secret we’ve all been looking for? Break out those crayons again…

10. A guy with similar family goals. Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does. Me, I don’t get serious with guys who say “maybe” they want kids. I want someone who feels as sure as I do—and I can’t talk anyone in or out of anything.”

Again, mentioning something that’s very duh. I’m surprised this list isn’t “1,230,739 things every girl should hold out for” and every item on the list is something like “12,643. A guy who likes to eat food” “12,644. A guy who likes to sleep” “12,645. A guy who likes not having toothpicks shoved underneath his finger nails”

“11. Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen. He thinks you’re smart, funny, beautiful and powerful—always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.”

Really? You want someone who thinks you’re great? Man, how wise. Most guys I know, they want a girl who’d rather be in a 100 guy bukkake than hang out with them. Also, this is pretty much bullshit. Because most girls are absolute morons who date dick-heads because they’re too stupid to realize they have daddy issues and hence want to date the “bad-boy”. So, they continue this obnoxious streak of dating losers, and in turn complain to EVERYONE in the World about their asshole boyfriend, until they’re in their mid 30’s or so, and decide to “settle” for a nice guy. Once they get this nice guy, they squirt out a kid in order to put some meaning into their vapid lives, get real fat, act like a bitch, and divorce the nice guy, forcing him to pay child support. Then they drive around the Wal-Mart parking lot for 30 minutes in order to get a spot close to the door, so they don’t have to walk that God-awful 25ft. Once their kids are teenagers, they scarf down diet pills and do a bunch of stupid diets in order to get thin again, so they can try and be their kid’s “hot friend” instead of their parent.

Of course, there are some women who are absolutely kickass, and a credit to their species. They’re absolutely few and afar though, gents. So, if you meet one, good luck.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on May 23, 2012.

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