Monday Nitro – March 13th, 2000 – Caliber
The show opens up with Ric Flair talking to Lex. He tells him about he’s gonna get Arn Anderson on the team. What team is that? Team Package, good sir.
He heads to the ring, and demands Double A come to the ring. He obliges, but coming only as far as WCW’s terrible entrance. He turns down the offer, which angers Flair. He then brings out The Hulkster, which makes him even more mad. They do a bit of brawling, which then brings out Sexy, Flexy, Lexy, who takes a bat to Hulk’s shoulder, and sends him to the hospital.
3 Count vs Yung Dragons
Jaimie Nobel has gone from a full mask, to a zorro type thing. He’s also known as Jamie-San. I have to wonder, if this was done in Japan, and there was a group of white guys called The Awesome Ford Trucks, do you think New Japan would have had an Asian guy in a mask and called him Jake Dude?
For the short time they’re given, they do put on a bit of a show. It’s a lot like the stuff you’d see in a MiTB match today. Mark Madden says that these guys are the future of the business, and if that isn’t true today, I don’t know what is.
Shannon Moore pins Jamie-Son after a sleeper/inverted-Diamond-Cutter – Rating: **
The Wall vs Bam Bam Bigelow
I believe this is a hardcore match, because at the beginning of it, The Wall sets up a table. Bammer comes rushing down for the attack, but ends up getting hand-cuffed to the ring. At this point, the ref calls for the bell. Well, since there was a DQ, I’ll assume that this was in fact a hardcore match.
The Wall goes to work on Bam Bam, which brings out David & Crowbar for a little revenge, since The Wall put the hurt on them. Naturally, it doesn’t go as planned. Crowbar hits Wall with the absolute weakest shot I’ve seen since Harley Race’s managing days. The Wall isn’t a fan, and responds with a boot to the stomach so medicore that it knocks both men to the ground. David tries his luck, but gets a chokeslam. Meanwhile, Bam is just crying out. It’s odd, to be honest. Anyways, Wall puts Crowbar on a table, and puts David through both.
This whole thing was crap, what is important is that our friend, the world’s WORST FUCKING TIME KEEPER, rang the bell 173 times. I’m not joking in the least. It’s absolutely stunning to imagine why on Earth he felt the need to do this. Good God.
The Wall is DQ’d. Rating: No Rating
Jarrett comes out with the Harris Twins, and his usual band of “models”. The twins tell the girls to head to the back, but Jarrett then says they can stay. He then says no, in a desperate attempt to draw heat by being mean to the chicks. Usually, it’ll work. But when the girls look like they’re the Patient Zero for herpes, it just doesn’t work.
Basically, Jarrett is gonna beat Sid at Uncensored. He shows a few clips of him hitting Sid with the guitar, and calls it his greatest hits. Mark Madden gets the line of the night when he says he’ll be listening to Double J’s greatest hits when he’s alone with his baby tonight.
Next we get a clip of Mr. Wonderful at the Arnold Classic, scouting for talent. Look, I love bodybuilding. But they are absolutely one of the last people on Earth who need to be wrestling. I actually wish there were more clips of him talking to Dorian Yates & Lou.
Lane & Rave vs Booker & Kidman
Lane is Lodi, right? Or is he Rave? Well, either way it’s an obnoxious rip-off of Night at The Roxbury. I’m shocked these two weren’t told to head to the ring with powder on their noses. Either way, they make sure that not much wrestling is seen on the show, as the match ends in about 2 minutes. They do plant a seed as Booker does all the work, and Kidman snags the pin.
Kidman pins Rave, or is it Lane? Rating: *1/2
On the heels of what just went on between Booker & Kidman, Tony says that sometimes WCW stands for We Can’t Work Together.
Curt Hennig vs Lex Luger
Before the match starts, Hogan all of a sudden shows up in an ambulance. This made me laugh as I imagined him giving the big boot to the ER DR. I can also hope he gave a double noggin knocker to some interns. As for the match, it’s literally the two guys punching each other back and forth for one minute until Hogan arrives. This brings out Flair, and it’s a melee. They then make the tag-match for later tonight. To this day, I still don’t know what Luger’s logo is suppose to mean. Is it an M? Is it suppose to be a person?
Hogan draws the DQ – Rating: DUD
After break, we find Knobbs walking around a completely trashed dressing room, looking for Dog. Of course, we find a man, a short man, a short, extremely tanned man dressed in matching orange camo, with his head in a toilet. Knobbs whips him with a chain, and tells him he’s a bad dog. This is so, seriously weird. It’s very S&M, domination/submissive gay sorta thing.
Norman vs Dog
The Dog is brought out to the ring, and has a black hood put on him to calm him down. This is SO fucking weird. I mean, how long until he spanks him? Or rubs his nose in piss or something? Or rubs peanut butter on his….anyway. Knobbs can’t get the chain off, so he has to fight with it. He ends up attacking the ref anyway. Then The Demon comes down and hits Knobbs. Then Rave & Lane come down and attack The Demon. Then Norman puts the Dog in a chicken wing, to which the Dog taps out. Man, this is absolutely without a doubt, the pitch perfect example of why WCW went down.
Norman makes The Dog submit – Rating: DUD
Knobbs vs Terry Funk
After the last match, Knobbs hits the ring and says he wants to fight Funk. What was the thing with the Demon and such about? This is absolute death. So, they hit each other with some trashcans and mops, then 3 Count comes down, knocks out Knobbs, and lets Funk get the pin. This is the definition of pointless. I feel like I’m having a mental q-tip shoved up my mental dick.
Terry Funk pins Knobbs after 3 Count’s help – Rating: DUD
Sid & Vampiro vs The Harris Brothers
This was set up earlier during Double J’s promo. I really have no idea what the plan was here, as Vampiro gets beat up for about 3 minutes, Sid tags himself in, chokeslams one Harris brother, and powerbombs the other. Seriously, that’s all he does. This would work if Sid was the heel. Set him up as a selfish monster. But when he’s the face? Russo’s booking is the equivalent of taking a typing test and then typing with your face.
Sid powerbombs a Harris Brother for the pin – Rating: *
Stevie Ray vs Disco Inferno
It was suppose to be The New Harlem Heat taking on The Mamalukes, but for some reason The Harris Brothers beat them up backstage. So, now it’s Disco vs Stevie. He just gets his ass beat, as I admire Stevie Ray’s gynocomastia from his steroid use. He really should have had that corrected via surgery, like our man The Rock.
Pedigree gets the pin on Disco – Rating: *
Hennig talks before the match about how who would have ever thought that he and Hogan would be on the same team. Well, any of the tens of millions of people who saw you and Hogan on the same team back in 97-98 might have thought of it.
Hulk Hogan & Curt Hennig vs Team Package
The match actually isn’t too bad. Hennig does a good chunk of the work, with Hogan doing the baby-face saves and such. When Hogan finally gets down to some work, he and Luger do the Warrior/Hogan closeline spot, and once up, he starts to get crazy with the weight belt. The ref tries to take the strap from him, and he gets shoved down in the process, drawing the DQ.
Hogan gets his team DQ’d – Rating: **
Afterwards, WCW continues to show how absolutely inept they were at understanding ANYTHING about pro-wrestling, when they cut the lights. Wrestling logic is so simple here. Lights go out, then when they come back on there’s a surprise in the ring. WCW? Lights go out, then a spot-light comes on to kind of see Vampiro get in the ring, and we kinda see action, then we just see Sting saunter out of the main entrance like he’s all amped up to paint his house. He attacks Luger, and we’re out.
Final Ultimate Word: Man, another absolutely terrible show. They did nothing to get me excited for the upcoming PPV. Well, I’m stoked to see the Apple Pie Strap Match just for it’s absurdness. The rest sounds like it’s going to be even worse than these shows have been. But then again, that’s why I started this site, right? Of course, now I feel like those people who tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate. They said that as soon as they stepped off, they regretted it. At least the Russo/Bischoff era is on it’s way. F.U.N.B!